If my Love isn't enough
by Crazy4Moony
Summary: James falls in love with Lucius,and thus begin the best and worse parts of his life,as he struggles to make Lucius his,gives him his trust /and his virginity/ and fights to keep Lucius in his arms forever. Can Love be enough to keep them together forever?
1. I Chapter one: Sirius finds out

**If my love isn't enough…**

**I.**

**Of the beginning and the early years**

**Chapter one: Sirius finds out.**

"God James, just spit it out." Sirius looked at James.

James swallowed hard. Sirius had noticed.

It had been weeks, months even, that James had hid it. He had been very careful. There had been slips, but everything had been fine tonight. But now Sirius had noticed. How?

Eight months, two weeks and six days ago. That's when it started. Life got complicated back then. James'd never forget just how things actually became complicated.

From the sent of roses and fresh air, 'till the feeling of long blonde locks caressing his shoulders. Even just thinking about it made things more complicated.

He'd never forget how a soft voice had talked to him, lacking from his usual malice tone.

"Hi." James had never even heard him approaching.

He was in the library, who would've thought the other would be there too? Not James. But besides the fact that James had been absolutely startled, he wasn't even in the mood to react with his own special snarl. Homework had been stacking up for days, and he hadn't noticed, until it was too late.

"Hi." James said, writing fiercely.

'Oh, who cares? Being polite never hurt anyone.'

"Well, this surprises me," the older man bent over to see what James was working on "James Potter, working late in the library? Never dreamt of seeing anything like that."

The man's masculine sent dizzied James, he wasn't able to think, let stand, do any homework. He putted his quill down, and stared at the parchment.

"Well, sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do." James said, he felt the other's hair brush his shoulders as he pulled back, and sat down on the chair right in front of James'.

"Talking to me, for instance?" James didn't dare look up.

There was something daring in his voice. As if he dared James to say 'yes'. There was something about the person sitting opposite to James, that made James go insane. It had always been that way, but usually James just shouted it away. That was the only sort of communication he and the other man had: yelling. And that had gone fine, until James had started… feeling thing. Well… he wasn't quite sure what he felt. He felt something. And it wasn't an uncontrollable desire to yell.

"No, making homework in the middle of the night, for instance." James looked at his paper.

He tried to make it seem as if he was thinking about what he'd write next. But he knew the older man wouldn't be fooled.

"Oh, I see. Slughorn's paper?" The other asked.

"No, McGonagall's essay. God, I wish I could tie her to a chair and force her to give me a P right away." James sighed, briefly forgetting who he was talking to.

"Hm, sounds kinky James, I didn't know you were in to all of that stuff." There was a hint of playfulness in his voice.

James couldn't take it anymore. He had stopped writing ages ago, being clouded by everything that was even remotely related to the person sitting across him. And now he had used his first name. Loose from his last name. He had to look up. So he did. James didn't do good under pressure. And this, this was considered pressure. Lots of it.

'Just fucking look up already!'

Everything about the other person was one word: perfect. It was how you looked at it. To some everything about the same person might be described with an other word: arrogant. No, at that very moment, something had changed about him. James didn't look up to see arrogance, but to see perfection, and he was not disappointed. James took his time to sink it all in. The newness of the whole thing. His eyes were grey. But new grey. A stormy grey, a grey that was everything between black and white. They were studying James' face, but right now, he didn't really care. It gave him some time to do some studying himself. His cheeks were a little more pink then usual, as if he had ran a couple of blocks around Hogwarts. His hair gracefully lay on his shoulders, shinning in the light of the single candle that stood on the table. It were locks, in every colour between ash and silvery blonde. His lips, were redder then the reddest red rose James had ever seen. They looked so soft and added to the beauty of the whole picture. When James looked at his eyes again, he noticed the man was looking at James' own lips. His lashes threw shades on his pink cheeks. James decided to say something.

"There're lots of things you don't know about me."

"I'm sure there are," the other looked at James, and smiled a little "but that's okay, life's just fine with a little bit of mystery here and there, makes it all a lot more… exciting."

James nodded. He understood. And there was more.

"Yah, and it makes you wanna find out more stuff. You know, about all the mystery. It's very tempting to try and figure it all out." James said.

He wondered if he might just be giving hints. Or something.

"Very true. I'm sure if the essay was about the temptation of mysteries, you'd have that P in no time."

"So would you." James said.

He started rolling up the scraps of parchment that lay all around the table.

"Oh, are you leaving so soon? It's a pity, I thought we were just starting to get good at this being friendly and mysterious thing?" The older man sounded a bit mocking.

But there was something else too. Sorrow? Spite?

"We are, but I'd like to continue the friendly thing somewhere else, if you don't mind, I've been in the library too long." James looked up at Lucius.

Yes. Malfoy. It had indeed been Lucius who he had been talking to. It was a surprise, but a nice one. He had known all along that Lucius could be nice. Now this, this was just a chance to see if Lucius also could be nice to him.

"Well, that's fine by me." Lucius got up from his chair.

James took his bag and followed Lucius. It was past twelve, that was certain, and luckily, the corridors were deserted. There was one downside: James had no idea where they were going.

'Where on earth are we heading?' James wondered.

They were in a hallway James had never been in. Then he knew. They were going to Lucius' headboy's room. James got a little nervous as they walked down a set of stairs he knew led to the dungeons. Should he be following Lucius? For all he knew this might be a trap or something. But what the hell? James liked the being friendly thing. Honestly? He liked Lucius. They reached a door, which Lucius held open for James.

"After you." A little smile played on his lips.

"Thank you."

As suspected, the whole room screamed green and silver. James felt oddly red and golden-ish, with his uniform, and the red shawl and the Gryffindor's captain badge. There was a four-poster, a closet, a desk, a sofa, bookcases and so on. There was a door on the left, with led to the bathroom. James knew because Remus had the same room. With red and gold in place of green and silver. Remus barely used the room, unless the marauders had a 'sleepover' there. It was obvious that Lucius did use this room. The bed was slept, with the black sheets (with silver outlining) on a heap on the floor. Very un-Malfoy-ish if you'd ask James. But it was a neat heap, for as far a heap could be neat, and that made it a little more Malfoy-ish. James turned and looked at Lucius. He was leaning against the door, and looked around a little.

"What are we doing here?" James asked.

"You said you wouldn't mind continuing the friendly thing somewhere else, I figured here was as good a place as any," Lucius lifted an elegant brow "why do you ask? Don't you trust me?"

"No, I don't."

"But you're here anyway, even though you don't trust me?" Lucius' eyes pierced into James'.

As if he was trying to read his thoughts. As if he didn't need to read James' thoughts. As if he knew them anyway.

"I don't think being here has anything to do with trust. Can I sit down?" James changed the topic, and avoided Lucius' eyes.

"Of course." Lucius still didn't move, and James sat on the bed, pulling his knees up to his chest.

"So, you don't think this is about trust then?" Lucius brought the subject, which James had so carefully tossed away, back up.

"No, I don't. I think it's about choices, if you insist on making it go about something. And even then. Maybe we just wanna be friends? And if we do, then you can go back to the choices thing. Our choice to be friends." James looked around.

A pair of knickers lay on the floor in front of the closet. Odd. More odd was the fact that it was definitely women underwear. James doubted if Lucius liked to wear pink. When James looked up at Lucius again, Lucius too, was looking at the underwear.

"Yes, indeed, our choice. But aren't friends supposed to trust each other?" He said, without taking his eyes of the underwear.

"Sure. But we're not friends… yet. We're just testing the being nice and friendly thing." James said.

Whose knickers were it?

"Right. So the trust comes later?" Lucius asked, he didn't take his eyes off the knickers.

"Yes, later. Whose knickers are it?"

'Oh God! That did not come out! I imagined it! I did! Right?'

"A girl from my year. She forgot them last time she came by."

'Oh, so I did ask him.'

"When was that? Before you came to the library?" James didn't mean to be so noisy, but he couldn't help it.

"Yes, what was I supposed to do?" Lucius lifted his shoulders "I mean, what would you do, when this nice girl comes up to your headboy's room and just starts undressing?" He looked at James again.

There was something in his eyes. Regret?

"I don't have a headboy's room." James said simply, turning away.

He didn't know why he did it. The turning away. But somehow, the idea of Lucius and a girl, was something he couldn't handle.

"Supposed you had one then."

"Well, I don't think I'd sleep with her. People like me don't do that." James glanced at Lucius, his eyebrow rose again.

"People like you?"

"People that are still a virgin and want there first time to be special and with someone they love."

'There, you said it, no problem.'

"Oh. I didn't know that."

"Only Sirius and Remus do, and well, now you know too."

"But you still don't trust me?"

"I still don't trust you. This doesn't need trust. If you tell the whole school, I don't really care. I'd rather have a reputation of being a virgin then being a man-whore." James had to look at Lucius now, he just had to.

"Are you calling me a man-whore?" Lucius rose an eyebrow for about the bizzilionth time that evening, and his hands were on his hips.

He looked sexy.

"Of course not," there was something sarcastic in James' voice "I'm just saying that I didn't sleep with a girl simply because she offered her to me."

"Hey, I did her a favour. If I can make someone happy simply by sleeping with them, then I don't really care, honestly, it's not that hard."

"Don't you even care that you don't love her?" James was on the verge of screaming now.

God, talk about childish. Screaming because this guy slept with a girl. But this was Lucius. James just might have a crush on Lucius. So he's allowed to scream.

"It's not about love. Not with someone like her. She doesn't need my love, she just wants sex. And for me, it's not hard to just block it all out for as long as it lasts. There's no love involved, not for me at least." Lucius came closer to the bed.

"Maybe there is for her?"

"That's her problem not mine. I told her I didn't, and wouldn't love her. She knows. It was here choice to sleep with me anyway."

James looked at him again, his eyes were shinning. He had brought this on James some way. He had involved James here. And James wanted nothing to do with this. Nothing.

"It makes me sick."

"Well James, we can't all be like you. I'm done with the first time, sure it was special and all romantic and that crap, but it's over. There was love the first time, and now that love is gone, and it's not about love for me anymore. Until I find someone to love again, I don't really care."

"Oh, so it is about love after all?" It was James' time to lift his brow.

"Yes, just not with her."

"It still makes me wanna vomit."

"You poor boy. Well, if it makes you feel better, I could stop it." He took another step towards the bed.

For the first time, he looked actually nervous.

"You could stop it?" James held his head a little crooked, giving Lucius a questioning look.

"Yes, I could. For the sake of let's say… friendship?" Lucius sat down next to James, James' heart started beating really fast.

He could feel the blood surging though his veins.

"Friendship?"

"Oh, and the mystery of course."

"Mystery?"

"And for the sake of us."

"Us?"

"Yes, us James."

James looked into Lucius' eyes. He liked the sound of 'us' certainly when it was about them. He swallowed hard.

"U…" James started.

He wasn't able to finish though, because Lucius kissed him. On the lips. It was a magnificent kiss. James was a little scared at first, since he was kissing Lucius Malfoy, of all the people you could kiss, but he didn't really care. He was a little shocked when he felt Lucius' tongue slipping into his mouth, but he didn't care about that either. Well, he did, but not in a bad way. James didn't dare to move, he was afraid that Lucius'd see that as a sign that he had to pull away or something, and James didn't want that. Thoughts were running through James' head. He was kissing Lucius fucking Malfoy. That could be hell. But then why was it heaven? Jesus, James didn't know anymore. So maybe it was more then this stupid crush. Maybe.

They couldn't stay like that forever, James knew, but he wanted it to last as long as possible. They kissed for what seemed hours, but still, Lucius pulled away far to soon.

"So, you're staying then?"

"What?" James looked puzzled.

What could he say, he was puzzled. Like puzzled, puzzled. Lucius grinned, and lay on his back, pulling James in for an other kiss. He let a hand wander over James' hip, and James gasped.

"Lucius, wha…"

God. James had never been so insecure in his life. Ever.

"Relax James, I'm not gonna do anything, I'm just trying to tempt you to stay here tonight. To keep me company and all." Lucius winked.

"Hmm, I don't know…" James said, looking thoughtfully.

Lucius kissed his more softly.

"No?" He whispered.

"Well… I am kind of very sleepy…" James said.

So he was melting for Lucius. It was only a bit. And what is one night? That's like only one night. That's not much.

"Good." Lucius got out of bed, and took the sheets that lay on the ground.

James eyed them suspiciously.

"Don't worry, these are clean ones, I had just took them out of the closet when I thought about going to the library." Lucius crawled back on the bed, and covered James with the sheets.

"Do you have pyjama's I can borrow 'cause…" began James.

"God James, what are we, twelve? Ever heard of boxers? Just take off the jeans, and voila, you're ready to sleep." Lucius took off his own shirt and together with his jeans, he threw it on the floor.

"I don't know, I still don't trust you." James said, looking at Lucius' pale skin.

'God, he is beautiful.' James mentally slapped himself.

He could go with sleeping. And sleeping next to a gorgeous half naked man, was even better. But taking off his clothes. That'd be soon. Right?

"James, I wouldn't harm you, and it's not like I haven't seen people naked, do the words 'group shower' ring a bell?" Lucius carefully started unbuttoning James' shirt, and James' hart started pumping even faster.

He felt like blushing or something. He liked it, but was hurt at the same time.

"Does it even matter what I want here?" James asked, trying not to betray how he really felt.

'Act careless.' He thought.

"Fine, you wanna sleep with your clothes on? You do that, but I don't use pyjamas, so no, I don't have a pair that you can borrow." Lucius lay down, and stared at the ceiling.

Careless wasn't Lucius' thing, so much was obvious.

"Oh come on, you're not gonna be mad, right?" James looked at Lucius' face.

His face was solemn. Showed no emotion. Well, no emotion was better then hate or something.

"I'm not mad."

"Then why are you not looking at me?"

"Because if I would, you'd probably think I'm undressing you in my mind or something." Lucius said, still not looking at James.

'Okay, he has a point there.' Reasoned part of James' head.

'Shut up and undress.' Said the overruling part of his brain.

"Fine, here," James took of his clothes, and threw them on Lucius' stomach "now you don't even need to undress me in your mind anymore."

James was a bit shocked by his actions, but at least now Lucius looked at him. He smiled and kissed James.

"Good night then."

"Good night." James whispered.

Minutes latter they fell asleep. Maybe not all cuddled up and shit. But they lay pretty close.

James woke up alone in bed the next morning. Girl's knickers were gone, and he was getting suspicious, when he saw that there was a note on Lucius' pillow.

_Don't worry, I'm just dropping them off, and telling her she shouldn't come by again._

James smiled to himself. So maybe Lucius was going sort of into celibacy, just for James. That was really sweet. But then he mentally slapped himself again. He couldn't get his hopes high here. Three kisses and one sleepover were nothing.

Then he wondered what he'd do next, to get some distraction. He needed to stop thinking about the fact that he was in Lucius Malfoy's bed. Okay. So, it was Sunday, and he had worked away most of his homework last night. He only had to finish McGonagall's essay, and revise a couple of spells. He wondered what Lucius would be doing today. He mentally slapped himself once more, and then he thought about Sirius. Sirius. Sirius and his one year anniversary. One year secret anniversary.

'Oh bloody fucking no!'

"Oh God! He'll be pissed if I don't give him an explanation!" James said to no one, maybe he said it to the four-poster, or the note on Lucius' pillow.

James got dressed and left Lucius a note.

_Had to go, Sirius'll totally kill me! See you later? Write me a note or something. Pleas? Unless you don't want to of course… Bye._

Then he went to Gryffindor tower. Sirius and Remus were sitting on a sofa in front of the fire, Remus' legs were in Sirius' lap, and they were the only ones in the tower. Remus was whispering things in Sirius' ear.

"Hi." James said.

Sirius looked up, he looked a little pale. James sat next to him, Remus smiled. Sirius did nothing, just staring, and petting Remus' foot a bit.

"I'm so sorry I didn't say anything Sirius, I was…"

'You were what? What if this is supposed to be a secret?'

"I was working late in the library and fell asleep, I'm really sorry Sirius." James was ashamed when he said this.

'Lying. Worse, lying to Sirius? You just don't lie to Sirius James. You just don't. when you lie, there's no trust. You've always trusted Sirius. You'd give him up for Lucius. Wouldn't you? Jesus James. Mistake number one. Hope it's your last.'

"You're okay?" Was all Sirius said.

"I'm fine." James swallowed away the guilt.

He promised himself he'd tell Sirius. One day.

"God Prongs, just… next time you go to the library, just tell me, I was worried." Sirius managed to smile a little.

"I'm sorry Padfoot," James hugged Sirius and looked at Remus again "so, what are you guys gonna do today?"

"Well it _is_ our one year anniversary as you know, and we're planning on sneaking to the headboys room tonight. But how 'bout we celebrate this? I mean, we don't need an excuse to drink during daytime, do we Prongs? And we'll find an excuse for Moony if someone asks." Sirius smiled, and he looked happier then before, thinking about the anniversary always made him happy.

James smiled too. He had never had a problem with Remus and Sirius, but it was something between just the three of them. Not even Peter knew.

"That sounds great! And as for Remus, we could always tell people he's afraid he might've gotten an A on his latest paper." James grinned.

Remus shook his head.

"Sure, 'cause they'll surely fall for that."

"Actually, it might just work." Sirius said.

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean? I never flip if I don't get a P!" Remus frowned at Sirius.

"Of course not, but people don't know that Sweety." Sirius kissed Remus softly on his lips.

"Yeah, yeah, fine. I'm gonna get some breakfast, you're coming?" Remus got up, and stretched.

James smiled as he saw Sirius admiring the werewolf.

"Sure, we'll catch up with you, I just have to talk to James about something," Remus nodded and was about to leave, but Sirius took his hand "happy one year anniversary Moony." He whispered, and kissed his lover a last time.

"You too." Remus smiled and left.

"So, what do you wanna talk about?" James asked.

"I have a sort of problem." Sirius said, and crossed his legs.

"What do you mean?"

"It's our one year anniversary." Sirius said, he almost sounded pleading.

"I know, what about it? You forgot a present or something?"

"God no! I got that ages ago! No, this is worse. James, we haven't… I mean, I have, but he… and tonight… what if… and I don't want to ruin it for him… and I don't know how to…" Sirius ranted.

Then it struck James.

"You're talking about sex." He said.

Sirius nodded.

"Oh, and right, Remus' still a virgin. You've been with girls."

Sirius nodded.

"I just don't want to screw this up for him James. And I mean, this is Remus! I love him! I want this to be right for him. He deserves a right first time." Sirius said.

"Sirius, I wouldn't worry, he loves you too, that's enough. And in a way, this is your first time too, with a boy. I'm sure it's a whole new experience. Just don't worry, and take it slow. Oh, and tell him."

"Tell him what?"

"That you're nervous, it'll probably be a relief. I'm sure he feels the same way Padfoot. Don't worry, it'll be just fine." James patted his shoulder.

"Thanks Prongs." Sirius hugged James, and they left to join Remus.

A couple of hours later, all three of them were sitting in the headboy's room, drinking butterbeer, and eating all sorts of sugary things.

"To Remus and Sirius!" James yelled for the thousandth time.

Remus and Sirius also lifted there bottle and drank to there self. As Sirius began to tell them another amusing story, James wondered what Lucius'd be doing. He went through the note he had left him. He had asked him to leave a note right? As James began wondering if he had indeed forgotten to ask Lucius to leave a note, Remus interrupted Sirius' speech by putting his lips on Sirius' own sugar-coated ones. And as James began to seriously doubting the fact that he had asked Lucius to leave a note, an owl flew in through the open window. Luckily Sirius and Remus were to busy snogging to notice. James opened the letter.

_Hi, I read your note, and well, here's mine back I guess._

_I'd love to 'see you later' as you put it, if you don't mind. _

_Oh, I gave her back her knickers, she didn't take it so well. But hey, it's her own fault,_

_honestly. And at least she has her pink fancy underwear back._

_Where are you anyways? I haven't seen you since this morning when I left. I had _

_breakfast late, so I know I missed you there. But what about lunch? Didn't see you_

_there either. Odd James, very odd. Are you hiding or something? And if you are: why, _

_and where? Okay, so that was it for the questioning. Let me know where you wanna _

_meet. Oh, and you can stay over again if you'd like. Just warning you, in case you're_

_still so into pyjama's. Okay, bye._

James smiled and looked around, Sirius and Remus were currently making out on the floor, so that gave James some time. He found an ink bottle and a piece of parchment and sat on Remus' desk to make sure his writing would be clear. Then he glanced at the couple once more, and began. He felt weird, 'cause after a couples of lines, something bad started showing. Something James didn't knew he possessed. Jealousy.

_I'm currently getting wasted. _

_Why? Well it's for a really special anniversary, I can't tell you which, 'cause that's _

_sort of a secret. If this letter stops making sense all of a sudden, don't mind that, I _

_already had a couple of butterbeers. _

_And lunch? I spent lunch with the happy couple. My lunch was made out of _

_Chocolate Frogs, Every Flavoured Beans, Sugar Quills, and more of that. God, I must _

_taste like candy and smell like candy, and I'm positive I even look like candy. Weird, _

_isn't it? _

_Oh, and I want you to know that I'm planning on being very rude to any girl that _

_dares wearing pink underwear that's noticeable. _

_And I'd love to stay over tonight, and no, I'm not bringing pyjamas, and they will _

_most certainly not be pink. I think she's a slut. Whoever she is. Slut. _

_And I just decided that I just might be hiding from you. I could act really pissed _

_towards you, without any reason whatsoever. Weird, very weird. She's a Slut by the _

_way, did I mention that? I don't think you should see her anymore. After all, we _

_kissed last night, and I liked it, and I stayed over, and that means we're like an item _

_now. Right? We're together, or not? And even if we're not, I don't like the idea of you _

_fucking her, whether you love her or not. She's a slut. _

_I'm usually not the jealous type and I'm not telling you I'm being jealous, 'cause I'm _

_totally not, but I don't like you and her. Together I mean. I like you. Well not right now, _

'_cause in place of seeing pink elephants, I'm seeing you, fucking a girl who's wearing pink _

_underwear. _

_Weird. Really weird. _

_Well, the happy couple's getting up again, so I have to go. See you when I stop seeing _

_you fucking girls with pink underwear._

_She's a slut. Bye._

James gave the letter to the owl, and looked at Remus and Sirius, they had indeed stopped kissing. He didn't know why he felt the way he did. It was weird. All of it. Then he smiled a little, and sat with them again, deciding to make the best out of it.

James knocked once, but it was enough, the door opened immediately.

"James, finally!" Lucius said, and pulled James in.

"Whooh, don't do that, I'm sort of… dizzy."

He had far more butterbeers then he should've had. He had as many as Sirius… plus Remus'… and well that amount doubled… three times…

"James, are you okay?" Lucius sounded worried, and he helped James into the bathroom." He hadn't been lying in his letter, he smelled like candy.

"I'm fine… just a little dizzy…"

"You shouldn't drink this much James." Lucius said, he let some water run over a washcloth.

"Well, that's your fault! You and your pink underwear!" James yelled.

Lucius ignored it, and stroked James' hair out of his face.

"Don't." James said.

Lucius ignored him again, and softly stroked James' face with the washcloth. James closed his eyes.

"You can't just piss me off and then be nice to me." He grunted.

"My, my James, honestly, 'piss me off' where did you learn such language?" Lucius mocked, but he continued stroking James head.

"Whatever. You just can't."

"I didn't mean to piss you off, and I'm just trying to help, you look like shit."

"Oh, stop it Sweety, you'll make me blush." James said in a girly voice that made Lucius laugh.

"You smell like candy, you're not gonna tell me your dinner existed out of candy too, right?"

James nodded lazily, enjoying Lucius' touch.

"You think you're gonna have to puke?"

"Puh, I just might, as some sort of revenge." James said childishly.

"Right, come on," Lucius lay an arm around James waist "you have to get into bed, did you forget tomorrow is a Monday, we have school on Monday."

"Hmm…"

Lucius helped James get into bed, and putted a bucket on the nightstand.

"Okay, if anything's wrong, just wake me, okay?"

James opened his eyes and looked at Lucius.

"Be fair," he whispered "I'm a total arse, right?"

"Oh, don't worry James, everyone's an arse when they're drunk. Now promise you'll wake me up."

"I promise." He said.

"Good."

Lucius fluffed the pillows so James would be comfortable, and helped him undress. Right before they fell asleep, James gave Lucius a quick kiss. Lucius remember falling asleep with the taste of sugar still in his mouth. Nothing would ever be sweeter then a kiss given by James.

"I have a terrible headache." James whispered, Lucius was brushing his teeth, James was still in bed.

"Yah, you had a lot to drink." Lucius said, his voice sounding distant.

"It was a celebration, you can drink when you're celebrating." James said.

"Of course you can, but then you can't be surprised that your head hurts when you wake up the next day." Lucius spit out some toothpaste.

"I'm not surprised. I just stated that my head does indeed hurt." James said matter-of-factly.

"Yah, sure." Lucius came out of the bathroom.

James couldn't help noticing how hot he looked. There was something about the contrast between Lucius' pale skin and his black underwear. James sat up straight, and tried to smile at Lucius, who was leaning against the doorframe.

"So, do you think this's real?" James asked.

"What do you mean?" Lucius slowly came closer.

"This," James pointed at himself and then at Lucius "do you think it's real?"

"Why wouldn't it be?" Lucius took a shirt out of the closet and looked at James.

"'Cause you're supposed to be a sadistic Slitherin who hates and loathes all Gryffindors." James said, looking Lucius straight in the eyes.

"My, my James, sadistic? And you just be honest, what is this really about?" Lucius started buttoning his shirt.

"It's about…" James fidgeted with the blankets.

"Well?" Lucius came sitting next to James.

"You…"

'You drive me crazy. You make me feel things I'm not supposed to feel. You're unreal. You'll be mean. You'll hurt me. You…'

"It's a trick. You'll take what you want and leave."

'You'll take what you want and leave _me_.'

James got out of bed. He felt like leaving. It wasn't right, whether he wanted it or not. He should leave. He would've left, if there wasn't a certain someone, wearing a white shirt and black boxers, pulling him back on the bed.

"You're insane." Lucius whispered, taking James' hand.

"Oh pleas, let me go!" James hissed, forgetting his headache for a second.

"Don't be this way, I didn't do anything wrong." Lucius said.

'Yet.'

"Yet." James whispered.

"Yet? Come on James, and by the way, what makes you think it will be I who does something wrong? You might do something yourself."

"I… if I do, then that doesn't matter, 'cause you wont care anyway." James turned way.

"That's not true! I would care! Now you're just being childish! And look at me when I'm talking!" Lucius yelled.

James turned his head. Anger was bubbling up inside. Anger that was there for all the wrong reasons. Damn.

"Thank you. And now pleas, believe me when I say this is not some kind of trick." Lucius whispered.

'I can't. You'll hurt me.'

It hurt, but all James did was nod. And he looked Lucius in the eye. Lucius would never need to know that the nod James gave, was a pure lie. He didn't believe Lucius. Not then, not there.

"Good." Lucius took James' head and kissed him on his lips.

The kiss reminded James of something. Before he had left Remus and Sirius in the headboys room yesterday, he had promised to wake them up.

"I have to go," James mumbled against Lucius' lips "I promised I'd wake Sirius up."

Lucius watched as James dressed.

"He can't wake himself up or something? Ever heard of a clock?" Lucius mocked.

"It's just… with the thing and the thing and the thing, I promised to check on them and wake them."

"Them?"

"Yah, them. I can't tell you, but just… them." James kissed Lucius again.

He took a tie that lay on the floor, and left him alone, making his way to the Gryffindor headboys room. Part of him was happy he had an excuse to leave. He was really messed up right now. He just didn't know anymore.

James knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" Remus' voice asked, sounding distant.

"James." James said.

"Hmm, come in." murmured Remus.

James smiled and opened the door. The room was cleaner then it had been the night before. Of course there still were some paper wrappers on the floor, but the empty bottles of butterbeer were gone. Remus was sitting up in bed, and Sirius was still asleep next to him, with his arms around Remus' waist. He looked happier then he had in a whiled.

"Hi." James said, Remus smiled weakly, he looked sleepy.

"Sirius' still sleeping?"

"Yah, how late is it?" there was no clock in Remus' room; he had this sort of instinct, that always woke him up in time.

"About six." James said, then he looked at the tie he had picked up from Lucius' floor.

'O my God! This isn't yours!'

The tie was green and silver in place of red and gold.

"Oh, then we can let him sleep for a while, I think he can use it, we've been up late, so, yah…" Remus yawned.

James smiled and putted the tie in one of the pockets of his robes, before Remus might see it.

"You know, I could leave if you want me to, and give you guys some time or something." James said, he didn't want to interrupt them.

"Oh no, pleas stay James, Sirius wont be up for another hour, so it's really okay" Remus smiled, and wryly came out of bed.

James immediately knew why. He was completely naked. And now, they had seen each other naked before, (do the words 'group shower' ring a bell?) but Remus had always been a shy person, and he probably thought he'd embarrass James. Sometimes James wondered if Remus actually believed him when he said he was okay with him and Sirius being together.

Remus took one of the boxers that was lying on the floor, he wasn't completely sure it was his own, but who cares? Then he sat down on the couch, patting on the empty spot next to him.

"Come on, sit down." He said.

James sat down and smiled.

"Well? How was it? You had good time together?" James asked.

He couldn't help it, he'd ask Sirius too, but since Remus was the first one up, why not ask him? And he wanted to know. Because he cared. And thus he wanted to know. Remus started grinning, his whole face was shinning. He was truly happy, James could tell.

"It was amazing," Remus started, pulling his knees up to his chest "I mean, Sirius is amazing. And he's really sweet."

"Come on Moony, tell me what happened! I want to know every, single detail!" James was bursting with curiosity.

"Well, at first, he actually started cleaning, and when I asked him why, he said he wanted everything to look perfect. And then he gave me my present." Remus pointed at the necklace that hung around his neck.

James hadn't noticed before. It was a silver moon, with a star attached to it. It was symbolical of course, the moon, for Moony; Remus, and the star, for the Dog Star; Sirius. It looked beautiful.

"And then he lighted candles," James looked around, there were little candle stubs on the floor, and on the night table "and well, then… well…" Remus started blushing, and James smiled.

Remus didn't really wanted to get into the details, that was obvious, but that was okay, James'd ask Sirius latter.

"Then you made love." James finished Remus' sentence.

Remus grinned and nodded.

"And you guys are okay, right?" James asked.

He sounded awfully serious all a sudden.

"What do you mean?" Remus lifted a brow.

"Well, I don't know. I mean, it was okay, right? You didn't hurt yourselves or something?"

"No, of course not, we're fine," Remus said, smiling even more "thanks for the concern though."

"No problem." James patted Remus on the shoulder, and they talked, until Sirius woke, and they went to have breakfast.

James would go to Lucius' room that night, and get his tie back. No one knew about them. When they saw each other in potions, they didn't say a thing, but they didn't fight either. Sirius didn't ask why, he just acted euphorically all day.

That night, Sirius and James had a long talk about the anniversary night. Sirius didn't mind going into detail, he trusted James. He wasn't ashamed of what had happened, and why would he be. It made James feel a bit guilty though. But he pushed it away, and after their talk, he told Sirius he had to go to the library.

"Homework and all."

He didn't tell Sirius he was meeting Lucius. More guilt to be pushed away. Minutes later, James found himself being pressed into the wall be Lucius. They made there way to the headboy's room, but all of it was more a fight to rule the other. Inside the room it was a struggle to remove clothes as soon as possible. Under the blankets it was a challenge to get the other turned on as soon as possible. For James, in his dreams, it was hard not to think of Lucius. He tried. But it didn't work. Lucius' warm body pressed next to him, was so real, even in his sleep.

One month after Sirius and Remus' one year secret anniversary James was working late again. He had to do that a lot lately. He liked to be with Lucius, and all the nights that he was supposed to do his homework, he was actually staying over in Lucius' headboy's room. So he was in the library, with his head on the desk, tired of working, but too tired to go to bed. He had been trying to figure everything out for a while. And sometimes, he was really pissed at Lucius for no reason. But most of the times he just tried to enjoy there nights together.

"Hi." Someone said.

James turned his head, and looked at Lucius.

"Hi Lucius." He said lazily, not really realising that Lucius was there.

'Eum, James, it's Lucius.' Said the only awake part of his head.

"Oh, Lucius!" James tilted his head and Lucius gave him an odd look.

"Working late again?" Lucius asked, and sat down on the chair next to James.

"I was, until I became so tired that I had to put my head down on the desk to fall asleep and then you said hi and I became confused and I'm soooo tired." James banged his head against the desk in a Dobby-ish manner, and Lucius grinned.

"Well, then we're just gonna have to get you into bed, don't you think?"

"Mhu." James mumbled.

Lucius flicked his wand, and all of James' stuff disappeared.

"Okay, and now you," Lucius lay an arm around James' waist and helped him get up, but James felt like a sack of sand, and acted like one.

"Come on James! Cooperate here!" Lucius struggled, trying to keep James from falling.

'And then you try to be nice, and all the guy does is act like a potato. Cute though. Very cute.' Lucius thought.

"I don't want to! I'm tired!" James whined.

"Okay fine, but if we get caught I'm so totally telling people that you passed out or something!" Lucius said.

"Wha…" before James could finish, Lucius' free arm went around James' legs, and Lucius lifted him as if he was a feather.

"You know, this is sort of romantic, don't you think?" James said.

Lucius carried him out of the library, and James started wiggling his legs happily, to make it harder on him.

"Yah, sure, apart from the fact that we might get caught and they'll wonder why on earth I'm carrying you. But you're right, it's very romantic. Though I swear James, if you don't stop wiggling, I'll drop you!" Lucius had some trouble holding James steady.

Lucius was afraid he'd really drop James. James just grinned.

"You wouldn't dare."

"Oh no?" Lucius threw James up a little, to scare him, and James held onto Lucius' neck.

He didn't trust him enough to let go. James got more scared when Lucius carried him down the stairs, and Lucius smiled a little to himself as James put his head on Lucius' shoulder. He was enjoying it.

A little later, Lucius dropped James on the bed, and watched as James sighed contently and yawned a bit.

"What?" James asked as he saw Lucius look at him.

"Nothing."

"Then why are you looking at me like that? And why are you just standing there? Come here." James held out a hand, which Lucius carefully took.

He let James pull him down next to him, and continued looking. James looked beautiful thought Lucius. Always.

"Come on? What's wrong?" James asked.

"Really, nothing's wrong." Lucius stroked James' face.

"Hold me then." James whispered.

Lucius was surprised by this. They never hugged, cuddled, or any of that. There wasn't any proximity between them. They kissed, and when they slept, they lay close, but never actually together. Lucius once almost draped his arms around James' waist while he was sleeping, but he didn't dare to do it. Proximity made things complicated, and they were both afraid the other might leave them, though James was the only one who had admitted this. Lucius loved it when James was mad at him, because that gave him a reason to touch James, and hold him for a whiled, to calm him down. But James had never admitted wanting Lucius to hold him. He had admitted that he was afraid that Lucius might leave, but never that he wanted Lucius to hold him. This was the first time. Ever.

Lucius lay his hand carefully on James' hip, and stroke it for a while, James closed his eyes immediately. Then he draped his other arm around James' waist, and pulled him closer.

"Like this you mean?" Lucius whispered.

James nodded. Lucius softly stroke his back, and James let out a content sigh.

"James, I'm sorry."

"For what?" James looked as if he was about to open his eyes, but he didn't.

"For never doing this." Lucius whispered, and continued stroking.

"I'm sorry I never asked you to do it." James brought his face closer to Lucius'.

He aimed for Lucius lips, but ended up kissing him in the corner of his mouth. That was okay though. Lucius smiled and kissed him on the lips. Kissing James always felt new. It never got old, which was fantastic. James put his head against Lucius' chest, and they fell asleep, still wearing there clothes.

An other two months later, they planned on celebrating there three month anniversary. Okay, so who ever heard of that? Celebrating three months. And two days. But they needed to celebrate it. It was a sort of recognition. They needed that. It had been three months, three months and two days, together, but there was a downside. They just didn't know how to celebrate it. They never planned ahead when it came to there relationship. It was easier to live life per day. They were lying in bed, after some huge snogging activities, and they were searching for a way to really celebrate. Nether of them had bought presents 'cause they both agreed that was more of a year thing.

"Oh! I know!" Lucius said all of a sudden.

"You know what?" James asked, looking at him.

"A way to celebrate this." Lucius smiled.

He got up, and handed James a hand.

"Well, what is it then?" James whispered, as they exited the room.

"You'll see." Lucius squeezed James' hand, and led the way.

They went up a couple of stairs, into a couple of halls, had to hide for a professor twice, and ended up in front of the entrance of the prefects bathrooms.

"Oh. Now, that would be a great idea and all, but since nether of us is a prefect we can't…"

"Lemon fresh." Lucius said, and the portrait opened.

James followed him in, and then stared at him.

"How on earth did you know that?"

"Well, I have 'connections' with some of the older students, and they like to do me favours. Telling me the password is one of those favours," Lucius smiled "now come on." He offered James a hand again.

James reluctantly took it, and came to stand in front of Lucius. Lucius kissed James' neck, and started unbuttoning his shirt.

"What are you doing?" James asked.

He felt stupid. It was obvious that he was taking off James shirt. But still. Fear. That was it.

"We're here for a reason, to take a bath, remember? You wanna take a bath with your clothes on?"

"I don't trust you. You'll undress me, and then run away with my clothes." James said.

So it sounded stupid, but he was afraid.

"Okay, I'll go first then." Lucius started unbuttoning his own buttons.

"Wait," James took Lucius' hands, and looked him in the eye.

Lucius smiled.

"Together?" He asked.

"Together." James said.

Fear sounded through in his voice. So Lucius started undressing James, and James did the same with Lucius, without taking there eyes off each other.

When he stood there, in just his boxers, James started doubting. This could go wrong. He didn't trust Lucius. He wanted to, but it was too hard.

"James, it's okay." Lucius whispered, seeing him hesitating.

Lucius had had no trouble whatsoever taking his own underwear off.

"I wont leave you." He kissed James.

James took a deep breath and nodded. Lucius' hands went under the waistband of James' boxer, and he pushed it down carefully. James closed his eyes, and waited 'till he felt the fabric on his feet, then he kicked it away. When he opened his eyes, Lucius was looking at him.

"What?" James asked, his voice was shaking, afraid of what was coming next.

"You're beautiful." Lucius just said, and took his hand.

Not much latter they were both in bath, enjoying the hot water. James swum a couple of rounds, but Lucius preferred to stay by the cranes and just watch him. After the rounds, James came to Lucius. He placed his hands behind the older boy and smiled. Lucius whipped the wet hair from James' face.

"How's the anniversary so far?" He asked.

"Great, 'cause it's with you." James kissed him softly.

It was a first kiss kiss, a kiss that's so new and different and amazing, it just might be your first one. One that opens your eyes, and makes everything clearer, even if it's just for a couple of second. This time, it was James' tongue that explored Lucius' mouth, every corner of it. Lucius let out a little moan, which encouraged James to continue. Lucius took one of James' legs and lay it around his own waist, pulling him closer, if that was even possible. Proximity was a must those days. Since the night that Lucius had carried James and they had fallen asleep in each others arms, they lived for proximity. Lucius even missed James during daytime. Sometimes he'd wait in a classroom, for James to pass without his friends, so he could pull him in and they'd snogg for a couple of minutes. Sometimes he felt like just kissing James while he was walking through a crowded corridor. Sometimes he felt like looking for James and taking him to his headboys room. Most of the times he just wanted to be near James. It had been like that for three months, but Lucius never told James that, he didn't want him to know. It was his own secret.

All of a sudden, Lucius turned around, sort of pushing James against the edge of the bath. James grinned, with his eyes still closed, and Lucius pushed his hips roughly against James'. James pulled Lucius' head down a little, and placed a hand on Lucius' back, pulling him even closer. It could've been painful, if the whole thing wasn't so passionate, and lovingly. Lucius moved his waist, and James started panting, his heart was beating faster then ever before. James and Lucius moved at the same time, it was as if there waists were glued together, going up and down, every now and then hitting the edge of the bath. They wiggled there hips a bit and Lucius let out a moan, James continued panting. James' hands wandered over Lucius' back, softly caressing it. James wasn't really sure if it was right. But what the hell. And so, maybe sort of… how would they call it… well, whatever, what they were doing was against Hogwarts rules. But, thought James, rules were meant to be broken. So they continued panting and moaning, and loving and kissing and…

Seconds before they came, Lucius kissed James, to keep them both from waking the whole school with there screams. Nobody needed to know what they were doing in the prefects bathroom.

When they were back in Lucius' headboys room, they lay in each others arms again. When James thought Lucius was already asleep, he whispered: "I love you."

Much to his surprise, Lucius answered: "I love you too, now go to sleep."

And James did as he was told.

When James woke up, Lucius was already awake. He was sitting up straight, looking at nothing in particular. James smiled a little and lay his arms around Lucius' waist. Lucius looked at him.

"Did you like our three months anniversary?" He asked.

James nodded.

"Loved it actually." He whispered.

Lucius stroked James' hair. It had indeed been great, even though they hadn't had sex. James found it amazing how Lucius was able to make him come and turn him on, by using only the simplest of touches, the roughest of movements. It was overwhelming.

"And you trust me now?"

"No. The whole time I was afraid you'd leave me in the bath, completely naked and half-erect. It was heaven, but at the same time, it was hell." James said matter-of-factly.

"I wouldn't do that." Lucius said, he stopped stroking James' hair.

"I just don't trust you, that's all."

"Why not? I mean, don't you think it's time to get beyond all this not-trusting? Didn't I prove you can indeed trust me?" Lucius said, almost begging James to believe him.

He wanted James to trust him. He needed James' trust, it would make it all so much more real. And this, James not trusting him, it hurt, though he'd never admit it. It was real pain, living on distrust, it made Lucius mad.

"I can't, 'cause you'll leave."

'You'll leave _me_.'

James got out of bed.

"I wont." Lucius also got out of bed.

"But Lucius… come on… we're not supposed to do this, right? I mean… I can't trust you, and we… we don't have a future. At least not together. And nobody knows and I don't like that. I wanna be able to tell Sirius and Remus… we just… we have no future whatsoever and…" Lucius interrupted James.

"James pleas. I don't care whether we have a future or not, I mean, that's the reason why we don't plan ahead. It's so we wont be disappointed when we fall apart. We live day by day. And we see what happens. It's going okay so far, and I mean, before you know, we'll be celebrating or one year anniversary. So pleas, come back to bed James."

James didn't know what to do. He wanted to. But it was complicated. He had doubts. Maybe Lucius didn't even really like him. Or maybe he was just being ridiculous? But even if he was, it was still a secret. He didn't like that. Though maybe that uncomplicated this a little bit. Maybe. Lucius outstretched his hand, James looked at it. He could take it. Or he could turn away. He wondered what would make him happier. Well, obviously, that would be the taking. So he took Lucius' hand. Lucius led him back to the bed, and they lay down again. James looked into Lucius' eyes again, trying to tell him everything he couldn't say.

'Why Lucius? Why me? Why make me doubt? And do you love me at all? Or are you just pretending? Does love mean anything to you? Do _I_ mean anything to you? Do you care? Why?'

Lucius didn't say anything. He just looked back.

'Because he loves you James, because he really does.'

James didn't want to think about it anymore, so he changed the subject. He turned on his back and stared at the ceiling. Lucius was leaning against the back of the bed, with his cushions positioned behind him.

"You know, we could stay in bed all day." James said.

"Could we now?" Lucius said mockingly.

Lucius always mocked. Well, most of the time. It was in his nature, he couldn't help it. It was partly because he too, had a lot of doubts, but if you say something like you're doubting, people think you're weak. He said it like he was mocking whatever the other one said, that way, some people got the fact that he was doubting, while most found him great because he was able to be so 'rude'. Lucius didn't think mocking things was rude. It was what he did, and if people didn't like it, that was their problem. Some people could get mad when he said something in a mocking way, some people just laughed it away. Now James, he was always patient, so he simply said: "Yes, we could."

"How is that?" Lucius asked.

"It's a Hogsmeade weekend. And well, I see enough of it through the week, so I don't really need to go. And Remus and Sirius will probably see this as a chance they just have to take to… And eum, well Peter has a date." James explained.

"Sirius and Remus will see this as a chance to what?" Lucius asked.

"Well, that's none of your business, the point is that they wont go anyway. So, we can stay here, unless you wanna go." James said.

"No, if you're sure you don't want to go, I'd be happy staying here with you." Lucius said.

"Thank you." James murmured, and he looked over at Lucius.

Lucius was staring at the wall, his thoughts seemed to be somewhere else.

"Listen, Lucius, if you don't want to be here with me, just tell me." James whispered.

Lucius turned to look at James. He crawled deeper under the blankets and pulled James close.

"There's no place I'd rather be, then here with you James, believe me." Lucius whispered in James' ear.

James nodded, and kissed Lucius' neck. They'd be fine. Eventually.

"Sirius I don't…" James said.

"Listen James, I won't tell anyone, you just need to tell me, I deserve to know. If you're afraid I'll tell Remus, I promise I wont. God knows I love that man, but I won't tell him James." Sirius said, laying a hand on James' shoulder.

"Sirius, I don't even know what your talking about."

"Pleas James, God, we both know you… 'lost' something tonight."

'Lost?'

"Lost?"

Lost what?

Life got a little more complicated after that. Sirius was getting suspicious since he had noticed James' bed was empty at night, so James had to keep low for a whiled, and he slept in his own bed during that time. Lucius and James saw less of each other, they kissed during the breaks, and sometimes met in the library. There was an upside to them seeing less of each other though: they didn't fight that much, since they thought they should just enjoy their time together. They wrote letters, but didn't plan stay-overs, usually they didn't. But they had promised to meet one night, a little before there five months anniversary.

James knocked nervously on the door. It had been two days since he had been close to Lucius. It was far too long for his fancy, but he couldn't help it. It took a whiled for Lucius to open the door, but when he did, James was really surprised. Lucius was only wearing a towel around his waist, his long blonde hair was resting on his shoulders, and was wet. He had been showering.

"James," he said, pulling the smaller boy in "you're early."

"I'm sorry." James said sheepishly.

"No problem, come, sit." Lucius pointed at the bed, and James sat down.

There was something different about Lucius. Or maybe it just seemed that way. He looked nice, with the towel and all.

"Wait one second, I'll get a robe." Lucius disappeared into the bathroom.

When he came back, he was wearing a black robe that hung loosely around his shoulders, and revealed his chest, which was as pale as the rest of his body. James magiced up a pair of butterbeers, handing one to Lucius and taking a sip of his own.

"It's been a whiled." Lucius said.

There was something in his voice. Regret?

"And I missed you," he continued, sitting next to James "a lot."

"I missed you too, I don't think we should go so long without meeting." James stated, Lucius nodded.

"I agree." He whispered, and pushed James down on the bed, setting James' and his own bottle on the nightstand.

James smiled and kissed him. It seemed ages since they last kissed. Lucius pulled James' shirt out op his trousers, letting his hand travel over James' soft skin.

"So, you think you might stay tonight?" Lucius' voice was mocking.

James gasped when Lucius started circling his nipple.

"Sure." He managed to comprehend.

"Good." Lucius whispered.

Lucius kissed James' chest, and James closed his eyes. When Lucius kissed James' lips again, he started unbuckling James' belt as well. It made James freak out for a second, but he said nothing. Lucius caressed James' inner thigh, and his hands went under James' boxers, pulling them down. He kissed James' thigh, and gave it little pinches. Honestly, he was really turning James on. All of it, from Lucius wearing only a towel, 'till Lucius turning him on by only using his lips, was already a surprise, but what was about to come, was bigger then any surprise James had ever been given. When Lucius' mouth touched, well, let's say, body-parts it wasn't supposed to touch, James let out a moan of pure surprise. It was excruciating pleasure. Earthly divine. James started panting. He couldn't believe that it was actually happening. And God! Where on earth did Lucius learn to use his tongue like that? Shivers of enjoyment ran down James' back. He started moving his hips a little, he couldn't help it. Trying not to make any noise, he bit his lip until it bled, strangely, he only felt the pain for a second, then his thoughts went back to Lucius and his own, approaching, climax. It was coming closer. The end of all things rational. The end of everything that was anything. James had started shaking uncontrollably, he didn't know why. It was probably the feeling of Lucius' tongue against his flesh. Whatever it was, it was driving him mad. The feeling was just so new. And it probably was so great because it was with Lucius. Then there was a heavenly second of nothing but tongues and warm flesh, Lucius and James. James' breathing was loud and hard, with a lot of sudden stops. And after that second of tongues and warm flesh and Lucius and James, there was a great relief. Or at least, it felt like a great relief. As if a burden fell of his shoulders. Like something he had been keeping in had finally come out. Or something like that. James was still panting when Lucius took his butterbeer.

"What…" James swallowed hard "was… that…" he asked hoarsely.

"That, my dearest James," Lucius said, while lying down on his stomach and taking a swig of butterbeer "was, I believe, the first time anyone ever sucked your dick."

"You're…" James began.

"Oh no, don't tell me you didn't like it," Lucius teased "'cause it was obvious that you did."

"I wasn't going to. But you're ama…"

"Shush James, I don't need your complements. I can go without." Lucius said, drinking more butterbeer.

"Oh come on. I can't even complement you now?" James asked, raising a brow.

"No. I don't need it." Lucius simply said.

"There must be something you'd like." James said.

He lay himself on his stomach next to Lucius, rubbing Lucius' thigh with his foot. Lucius looked at his foot, then at him. Lots of people would've taken that as a sort of rejection. James didn't. James knew Lucius was teasing.

"No, not really." Lucius said.

"Not even a kiss?"

"Oh, now I'd be in for a kiss if you…" Lucius wasn't even able to finish his sentence.

Before he knew what was happening James pushed him off the bed. They both fell hard on the ground. James rolled of off Lucius and ended up next to him on the carpet. He puffed, and turned his head.

"Well James, this's what happens when you're too enthusiastic." Lucius said, looking over at James.

He looked hot. His body had a natural brown colour, and he was still naked. He lay wryly on the green carpet, not sure what to do, and his cheeks had a pink flush. His eyes were staring at the ceiling, while his body was turned away from Lucius. Lucius felt a sudden urge to kiss him, instead, he stroked James' spine with a long finger. James turned completely, and looked at Lucius.

"Hi." He whispered.

"Hi yourself." Lucius said.

"Lucius, I've got to ask you something." James said, his voice was trembling a bit.

"Ask." Lucius looked at James' face, he looked very serious.

"Do you… well, do you like me?" He asked.

Lucius blinked. What kind of question was that? James had to be kidding, right? Come on, who asks such a thing? It's ridiculous. But James, he was just afraid. He didn't wanna live a lie. That wasn't his sort of thing. He needed confirmation, he needed to be sure. He had to ask. Though he'd still be afraid Lucius was lying. He _had_ to ask.

"James. I don't _like_ you," Lucius began.

James' eyes widened in shock. He knew this might've happened. But he never knew Lucius'd be honest with him. James had though Lucius'd lie or something.

"I _love_ you." Lucius said.

"Are you sure?" James sniffed.

There were unshed tears in his eyes. He looked darn cute.

"I wouldn't 've done that if I didn't." Lucius said, referring to the earlier occupation of his tongue.

"You had sex with a girl without loving her," James began, and ended in a soft mutter "I hope."

"That was different. She asked me to sleep with her. You didn't ask me to suck you off now did you?" Lucius smiled a little.

James cuddled close to Lucius, and Lucius laid a protective arm around James' waist.

"I still liked it though." James whispered.

"Oh James, you say things like that and I just wanna…"

"Hold me even closer and tell me how you love me all over again?" James winked.

"Fuck you senseless." Lucius ended with no shame.

"Ha. You're gonna have to be really lucky to receive that present." James said.

"Present?" Lucius' brow lifted.

It was his turn to be confused.

"Yah, me and Sirius used to refer to it as our ultimate present. If I give it to you now, then I'll have to give you socks, or a sweater for your birthday." James grinned.

"Right… I didn't mean anything by it. Just expressing a wish and all." Lucius said with a little fake sigh.

James kissed him softly.

"Can we go back to bed? I don't like the prospect of us sleeping on the carpet."

"Why?" Lucius asked "what's wrong with the carpet?" He eyed it suspiciously, wondering what it had done wrong.

"Nothing. I just like the bed better. And by the way, it has butterbeer on it." James stated.

He was right. Lucius had spilled his drink when James had pushed him of the bed earlier.

"That's what happens when you get enthusiastic." Lucius said again, and got up.

He helped James get up too, and they lay down on the bed again. Lucius magiced up two new bottles of butterbeer.

"Here." He handed one to James.

"You do realise this isn't fair, right?" James said and took a sip.

"What?" Lucius asked.

"You being dressed and me being naked." James said.

"But I'm not really _dressed _dressed. I'm only wearing a robe." Lucius argued.

"Tss! You're not allowed to argue here, Lucius! I demand you take your robe off!" James whined.

"Fine," Lucius took the black, silky robe off "better?"

"Much." James snuggled close again, and Lucius smiled.

He was adorable when he did that. Lucius remembered the time in the library where James had banged his head on the table repeatedly, complaining about Lucius complicating him. Lucius had a lot of time to think about things, and mostly thought about James. He had decided that James was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Though he would never say that out loud. Lucius smiled as James closed his eyes, and wrapped his arms around James' hips. He was definitely the most beautiful thing in the whole entire world. Lucius'd be damned to let him go.

When James woke up, Lucius was still sleeping. His robe was on the floor, and he looked nice and peaceful in the light of the upcoming sun that shone through the open window. A light breeze flew in and James stretched. Lucius turned around in his sleep. The blanket was resting dangerously low on his hips. James just considered kissing Lucius' neck, when someone knocked on the door, and James freaked.

"Lucius! Come on! We were supposed to be in the library an hour and a half ago!" Yelled the man at the other side of the door.

James recognised the voice. It was Severus Snape. And he was being very impatience.

"Lucius! Wake up you lazy arse! Come on! What the hell are you doing in there!" Severus screamed.

James looked at Lucius, he stirred a bit, but didn't wake up. He didn't know what to do. Hide in the bathroom? Wake Lucius? The best idea would be covering himself up first, so he did.

'Now what?'

Severus was getting really mad. Then he yelled: "whatever Lucius! I'm coming in! You've been warned you lazy prick!" And the door burst open.

Snape didn't even look at the bed, he was to busy ranting.

"Lucius I have had it with you! God, what is it that makes you so sleepy all the time? I mean, it's not normal for a person like you to stay in bed 'till two in the afternoon, and…" Snape's eye fell on James, who swallowed hard.

James turned away from Severus, knowing that he was still staring at James, and started pocking Lucius' side.

"Lucius," he whispered "Lucius, wake up."

Lucius opened his eyes.

"James," he said, wiggling his nose "what's wrong? Did something happen?"

James didn't dare to say anything. He looked at Snape again. Lucius followed his glare. Then his eyes widened.

"O God! Severus!" Lucius didn't hesitate one second: he started getting out of bed.

He pulled the blanket around his waist, trying to hide his nakedness, which wasn't really helping James. As Lucius walked over to Severus, pulling the blanket with him, he left James behind, with nothing to cover himself up, nothing to hide his own nakedness. Lucius made his way over to Snape, and looked at him. Severus didn't move, he looked back at Lucius.

"Severus, I'm sorry, I should've…"

"It's fine Lucius," Severus said, turning around "I'll go to the library myself."

Severus walked away, and didn't look back, though James hoped, for Lucius, that he would. Lucius continued staring at the door, even though Severus was already gone. Ten minutes, no one said a thing, then, James got out of bed. He stood behind Lucius for a whiled, and lay an arm on Lucius' shoulder.

"I'm sorry Lucius." He whispered.

Lucius lay his own hand on the one that was resting on his shoulder.

"It's not your fault. I just… whished he wouldn't 've found out this way." Lucius murmured.

"I know. I get that. But… do you trust him? I mean, why did we never tell anyone? It doesn't seem fair, it's not because…" Lucius interrupted him.

"It's not because we doubt, that our friends should suffer?" He said.

"Yes." James caressed Lucius' shoulder.

"You think he'll tell? Because, if he does, I wanna tell Sirius and Remus before they find out." James said.

"What about your girlfriend?" Lucius' voice sounded bitter.

Jealousy perhaps?

"My girlfriend? Oh, you mean Lilly?" Lucius pulled his hand away when James said her name.

They never talked about Lilly. But it was true they had been together for some time now, though in the end, James just wanted to be with her as a cover-up for the nights he so desperately wanted to spend with Lucius. It had been a whiled since he had actually stayed over. He needed that, the staying over. He thought having Lilly as an excuse might make it less complicated.

"I care more about what Sirius and Remus think then what she thinks." James said, being completely honest.

"Whatever," Lucius took a step forward so James' hand slipped from his shoulder "Severus' not going to tell anyone. He knows it's big, since it was big enough for me not to tell him."

Lucius' voice sounded cold. Somehow, James knew it had nothing to do with Snape finding out.

"What's wrong Lucius?" He asked.

"Well," Lucius still sounded cold "you were mad when I had sex with a girl, and now you're so obviously doing her, well, that just seems unfair to me." He waved with his arm a little, but was still looking at the door.

"Oh pleas," James pulled Lucius' arm, and whirled him around "I'm a total virgin and you know it." James poked Lucius' chest with his finger, as if to accuse him of something.

"Yah, and I'm not! Sorry 'bout that!" Lucius looked at James.

"Sure. And I bet Snape isn't either." James hissed angrily.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Lucius rose an eyebrow.

"Oh yah, like you're not doing him then? Oh, or am I supposed to believe you never slept with a guy? Or what? Are you saving yourself for me?" James yelled sarcastically gathering his clothes.

"Are you then?" Lucius asked, holding his head a little crocked and looking at James with a small smile playing on his lips.

James stopped dead in his tracks. His eyes widened.

'Do not tell him!'

So maybe he was. Maybe. Lucius didn't need to know. He said nothing, and Lucius let him be. James got dressed, said "bye." And left. Lucius sat on his bed and smiled a little. So he was saving himself for Lucius? That was the sweetest thing he had ever heard. Lucius sort of liked it. He sighed and leaned back. He should write a note to James and Severus. Maybe that'd help.

James quickly made his way to Gryffindor tower. He could feel his face burning up when he thought about what had happened. Lucius must hate him right now. And he had no idea how to explain his absence to Sirius and Remus. Snape had said that it was already past two. That was… late. That was a whole morning of absence. It was a lot. And to be honest, James was hungry. But the first thing he had to do was find Sirius and Remus. They were probably in the common room.

James noticed when he opened the portrait hole that the room was nearly empty. Only Remus and a couple of first years were there. Remus was in front of the fire, reading a book and James decided to join him. Remus didn't as much as looked at him when he sat down.

"Hi." James said.

Remus gave a nod to let James know he was listening.

"I'm sorry Remus." James whispered.

Remus sighed. He placed a finger to mark where he was, and closed the book. Then, he looked at James, but he didn't smile. It scared James. Remus always forgive him. And he always smiled to comfort him.

"Listen James, I don't care," Remus began "I don't care whether you're sorry or not. I just hate that you lie all the time! I mean, what do you think I am? Thick or something? Sirius might not notice because he's too busy worrying, but I know something's wrong with your 'working late' in the library," James wanted to interrupt, but Remus rose a hand, he had to continue now that he had started "I mean, you come in here, 10AM on a Sunday, you tell us you're sorry but that you had to work late. Monday, it turns out you didn't do half of your homework."

James sighed. Remus was right. James tried to spend as much time possible with Lucius. Homework came later. And sometimes he forgot about that.

"And it's just not fair James," Remus looked sad "I know you're never gonna tell me," again Remus had to raise his hand in order to make sure James wouldn't interrupt him "but Sirius… God James! You're hurting him! Can't you see that? And he's not even gonna be mad at you. I just… I'm sorry. I don't know what it is. But just… try to think about Sirius. I care you know. About both of you. And Sirius… just… don't hurt him. 'Cause as sorry as you may be, sorry doesn't heal the wounds."

Remus looked at the book that was resting in his hands.

"Remus… I…" Remus lifted his hand again.

"Just go to him, he's upstairs." Remus said.

James nodded.

"Thank you Remus. You know, you're the best thing that ever happened to Sirius. As long as you know that." Remus looked at James, his eyes were shinning with some lost tears.

James smiled and kissed Remus' cheek. Then he turned around and walked to the dormitory.

'Now Sirius.'

James knocked on the door.

"Come in." Sirius' voice said.

James opened the door, went in, and closed it again. Sirius was sitting on James' bed. He didn't look up, but continued fumbling with the sheets. He looked rather sad and pale. James sat next to him.

"Sirius, I'm so sorry. I should've told you. I'm an arse, I know. I should've let you know. I forgot to tell you. I didn't mean to, but I couldn't possibly explain where I was going." James said.

He decided not to use the library as an excuse. And who'd believe he'd been at the library until two in the afternoon? No one. Sirius looked at him.

"What does that mean?" He asked, he sounded sick.

"I haven't been in the library." James said.

Sirius said nothing.

"Sirius. I'm really sorry."

"About what? Not telling me you weren't sleeping here? Coming in late without warning me? Or not telling me where you've been?"

"All of them Sirius. I knew you were gonna be worried, I should've told you." James looked at him, almost pleading.

"Just tell me when you leave next time." Sirius said.

"I will." James hugged Sirius tight.

"I'm really sorry Sirius." He whispered.

"Sure. Now, you wanna get lunch or something?" Sirius asked "Me and Moony haven't eaten yet, we were waiting for you."

"That'd be great." James got off the bed, and pulled Sirius with him.

Sirius pretended he wasn't hurt. He was good at pretending, after all, he had to pretend not to be in love with Remus for years. And he didn't tell James that every time he came in late, he was worried like hell. James didn't need to know that. Sirius didn't ask about where James went. But James'd make sure he wouldn't come in late again. He couldn't tell Sirius. But he couldn't make Sirius notice either. It was hard. But he'd be fine. Eventually.

When Sirius, Remus and James were having lunch, an owl came for James. Sirius looked at James as he took the letter in his hands. Remus looked at Sirius. James turned his head, Lucius wasn't in the great hall for as far as he could see. Snape wasn't either, and James wondered if they might be together. Then Lucius came in. Snape was indeed with him, and they were talking silently. James smiled, and when Lucius looked at him, he actually waved. James waved. Before he knew what he was doing, he waved. Sirius gave him a strange look, but James didn't notice. Lucius smiled and waved back. It was a little wave, but a wave non the less. Then, Lucius started talking to Severus again.

"Did you just wave at Lucius Malfoy?" Sirius asked, James looked at him.

"I think I did." He said, and looked at the letter.

"Right." Sirius looked at Remus, who smiled.

James opened the letter. Lucius' graceful handwriting filed the paper. So it was Lucius'. James smiled to himself.

_James,_

_So maybe I'm a total arse, right? And maybe I'm so completely wrong for you. Maybe _

_you deserve way better then me. Maybe that's not what you want? I know I can be a _

_dick, and I'm not even gonna be sorry for it. It's just me. It's who I am. And you love _

_me for it. If I'd be anything but me, you wouldn't love me. Otherwise you might as _

_well love one of your friends. But you know, you don't, you love me. For being just _

_me. And you don't trust me. I know you don't. That hurts. But one day, you will trust_

_me. I know it. And the fight we had earlier. It's nothing. I love you. It's nice to know, and_

_the weird thing is: this is the only way I know. You're always so busy blaming me, for _

_anything, for everything, that you forget about you for a second. The way you act. You _

_don't trust me, okay, I get that, but maybe I shouldn't trust you either? Maybe I _

_shouldn't. But I do. I can't help it. But you, with your saint Gryffindor attitude. Even _

_though you don't have a halo. I trust you. Maybe I shouldn't, but I just do. And the thing _

_we talked about earlier. Whatever you accused me of, you were wrong. And about not _

_hurting our friends. Maybe, if we tell them, we could hurt ourselves too, after a while. It's _

_the same reason why we don't plan ahead, right? Afraid. That one day, we'll fall apart. If _

_we tell anyone, it'll seem more real._

_And so will the pain be, more real that is, when we fall apart. I'm sorry I'm too much of a_

_chicken to tell you all of this in person. It's too hard I think. To tell you. I think all _

_depends on you. The ball is in your court. It's up to you. Maybe if I have your trust. _

_Maybe we wont mind things being real anymore. Maybe we can tell them then. Your _

_friends. Maybe things'll be less complicating. Maybe. It's a lot of 'maybe's. But I don't _

_care. Think about it. Write me back. And pleas, come by tonight._

_X. Lucius_

"So, who's it from?" Sirius asked.

"Ah, that's a secret ey." James said, and winked.

He poked Sirius in the ribs. Sirius laughed. He was okay with it. It probably wasn't such a big deal. So he just smiled. And Remus drank some pumpkin juice. James smiled too. He'd write a letter after lunch. He'd go to Lucius tonight. But he'd leave early the next morning. Around six or something. And then go to his own bed. That way he wouldn't hurt Sirius. And people wouldn't even have noticed that he had left.

When Lucius and James had been together for six months, something special happened. Not for James and Lucius though. For two others.

It was one of McGonagall's classes. Slitherins and Gryffindors had gathered in her classroom, for what'd surely be an interesting lesson. Interesting indeed. James had received a note from Lucius earlier, who sat on the other side of the classroom but used magic to deliver almost invisible notes. A note which had made him giggle like a girl, which had made the class burst out in laughter. McGonagall sat behind her desk. Two students were late, and she simply refused to teach without them. Then, when Peter had just started picking his nose, the door burst open. It seemed like the two students had found there way to the class at last.

"I don't believe you! You lousy, good-for-nothing, son of a bitch!" Remus J. Lupin yelled.

He looked unhappy, James could see. He had been crying, and looked rather pale. James wondered what was wrong. McGonagall said nothing, but looked at Remus wide-eyed, just like the rest of the class. From the corner of his eye, James could see Lucius looking at him, then he looked back at Remus. Remus himself walked to his desk, the one behind James and Peter's, and it was silent as he did. But then…

"Come on Remus! I swear it was an accident!" Sirius said, and he too entered the classroom.

Remus stopped. His hand lay on the table, and made a fist. Then he calmly turned around. James could tell that he was holding up a lot of uncontrolled anger. If Sirius wasn't careful, this could turn out badly for the whole class.

"Oh. You mean like a really _real_ accident?" Remus asked politely.

James knew what it was. A trap. It was a trap. Remus was trapping Sirius. Like a snake. May look nice at first, and then it bites, spreading venom all over your body. This could be bad. All James could do, was hope that Sirius wouldn't nod or any such thing. But Sirius, always quite the optimist, indeed nodded. And there'd be a snakebite. James knew it.

"So what? You just tripped and your tongue _accidentally_ got stuck in her throat?" Remus' words were the poison, and his eyes narrowed.

He sat down. James could see that Sirius' heart was failing on him. And he knew most of the people were thinking about why the hell Remus cared about Sirius kissing some girl. James was the only one that knew. He turned around and looked at Remus. Remus had told him not to hurt Sirius, but he looked as if he wouldn't mind Sirius jumping under a train right now. James should've warned Remus not to get hurt himself during the process. Remus looked upset, tears were welling up in his eyes, and Sirius still didn't say anything. He had lost any comparison he might've had with a snake. He was broken. James knew he hadn't meant to make it sound so rude. But when it came to pain, Remus said it the way it was. Even if it was rude. And Sirius, God, James just whished he'd say something soon, 'cause every moment that passed without a word, made Remus look paler and more broken. Then Sirius started walking. He walked to his rightful place, next to Remus, where he belonged. Some girls sighed and swooned with admiration.

"I'm sor…" Sirius began, while he sat down next to Remus.

"Oh pleas," Remus looked at him, he didn't care whether Sirius noticed the tears, he just had to be strong, James secretly putted both of his thumbs up, to help Remus "you're getting as bad as James at this! Sorry doesn't have a meaning when you say it twenty times a day! You're still a self-censored dick with a stick stuck up your ass, and you probably even like the feeling!" Remus said.

James couldn't help but smile. Remus was right about the liking part, that was sure, they both knew Sirius was a gay as gay could be, even though no one else seemed to notice. He was also right about the sorry part. About the not having a meaning. Sirius looked at Remus, but said nothing more. James had always known that Sirius was more of a doer then of a talker.

"Fine. I wont be sorry then." And without an other word, Sirius took Remus' head, and kissed him.

Like one man, everyone's mouth opened. Except for James'. Sirius was a doer. He had proven it once more. James actually started grinning. It was much better then television. And all romantic none the less. James grinned even more when Sirius pulled Remus onto his lap. He could hear silent sobs from a couple of Sirius' fans. Next to him, Peter fainted. When Sirius and Remus finally broke apart, everyone was quiet. James could see a little smile on Remus' face, and Sirius' eyes were clearly shinning like bright diamonds. James then saw an almost invisible note lying on his bench, and he took it.

_Once, you said you might just vomit out of revenge. You know, when y__ou said that, you had been to a secret anniversary. Let me guess: Sirius and Remus'?_

James smiled, and nodded. He knew Lucius was looking at him. He tended to do that when he had just left a note, to see James' reaction. Then professor McGonagall spoke.

"Not really the appropriate time nor place, but I have to admit: it was about time." She said clearly.

Sirius didn't even hear it, he was to busy looking at Remus, who blushed a little. Later, when James would laugh and make a remark about Sirius so obviously looking at Remus all the time, Sirius said he had a lot of catching up to do.

"… so I just said no, and ran away, God! He was totally pissed off! Wouldn't talk to me for months after that!" Sirius ended his story.

James laughed. Remus just shook his head. They were on there way to dinner. Sirius' hand was resting on Remus' hip. Remus' hand was hanging around Sirius' neck. James was thinking about Lucius, and they hadn't seen Peter in ages. The scene in McGonagall's class had been two weeks ago. The hallway they were walking through was deserted, and at one point, they passed an old classroom where no one ever came. The door stood open and James could see Lucius sitting on one of the desks. Sirius hadn't noticed, nor had Remus, they were just talking, and they hadn't even noticed that James had stopped walking. James quickly caught up with them again.

"You know, you guys go ahead, I… have to do something. I'll make sure I don't miss lunch. I'll join you later." James said.

"Okay mate." Sirius patted his shoulder, Remus nodded, and they continued walking.

That was an other pro about them going public. They were happier, so they didn't notice James' strange behaviour every now and then. As soon as they had vanished around the corner, James slipped into the classroom and locked the door.

"What're you doing here?" He asked, and stood in front of the desk Lucius was on.

"I could ask you the same thing." Lucius said.

"Listen Lucius, something's wrong, I can tell, just… come on." James sat down next to him.

"Oh, so now all of a sudden you're gonna care about things being wrong with me?" Lucius asked, he was mocking again.

"What's that supposed to mean?" James asked.

What on earth was Lucius talking about? He really didn't know. He wondered what he had done wrong.

"Yah, it's okay that I'm hurt, as long as you're the reason why." Lucius said, he pulled his leg up to his chest.

"That's not true. What the hell are you talking about?" James asked.

"Oh pleas. Like you don't know it's killing me. Like you actually care that it's killing me." Lucius sighed.

"I honestly don't know what you're saying Lucius, tell me." James nearly begged.

"You. It's… you." Lucius said solemnly, like it was some kind of secret.

"Me? What did I do?"

"You drive me crazy. It's… excruciating. It's eating me up from the inside. It's illicit. Wrong. Right. I don't know anymore. I like you. A lot. But you just… you seem so… far away. You're perfectly fine with it all. With the not seeing each other and all. And that… I don't know… that hurts. And you still don't trust me. I don't know what I did. But you just wont trust me. It's insanity." Lucius dropped his head between his knees.

"Lucius. You're wrong. I know. I don't like it either. But it's this way, and not differently. I didn't mean for it to be like this. I can't help it. I want to be with you, even if we can only be together as a secret. I love you." James lifted Lucius' head and looked into his eyes.

They were sad. Steel. James kissed him. His forehead first. Then both of his cheeks. And then the corner of his mouth. Then nothing.

"Would you mind if I kiss you?" James asked.

He looked like he was doubting. Lucius smiled a bit.

"Of course not. Never."

"Good." James whispered.

Then he kissed Lucius. It was like a kiss should be. Perfect. Not rushed. Full of love. More important: without lies. You shouldn't kiss someone when you just told a lie. Nor when everything you're trying to say by kissing that person is a lie. It's believed that a kiss filled with lies, is a bad one. And will leave a bad taste in the receiver's mouth. That way, they'll know you've told a lie. Lucius pulled him closer. They broke apart a little later.

"Are you okay?" James asked.

He wanted to be sure.

"I'm fine… now." Lucius whispered.

James checked his watch. There was some time left, maybe…

"You know, lunch hour doesn't end for like two hours. And I just said I'd be on time for lunch. So erm…" James blushed a bit and gave Lucius an other quick kiss "how about we go to your room and have a rough remake of our three months anniversary?" James winked.

Lucius' eyes grew wide. Then, he grinned.

"I think I'd like that." He said, and got up.

"I had a feeling you would." James smiled.

And not much later, they made, as said, a rough remake of there three months anniversary. So James nearly missed lunch, he was still on time. And Sirius and Remus hadn't really noticed. When he sat with them, they just talked, all three of them. James pretended he hadn't just snuck to Lucius' room to have sort of, almost sex with him. Sirius and Remus pretended they hadn't been kissing passionately before James had joined them. It worked fine that way.

After that, it all got a little easier. A little. James went to Lucius every night, but he made sure he was back in bed by six. Sometimes even in the night. It was easier. He'd get a few hours of sleep with Lucius, and a few hours of sleep in his own bed. It worked well. Four weeks went by in a daze, and before James knew it, he found himself in his room, checking out his reflection in the mirror. He had a weird feeling about tonight. It was one of the really real arranged sleepovers. Mostly they just both assumed James'd come, and if he wouldn't be able to make it, he'd send a note during the day, between there regular notes. Now, Lucius had made sure to confirm that James would come over. It would be there eight months, two weeks and four days anniversary. But hey, who's counting? James checked his reflection again. He was wearing jeans trousers, and a white shirt. Lucius liked white on James, just like James liked black on Lucius. This was important. So he had dressed up, a little. He had planned for this. He had even made up a good excuse. He was helping some guy out in the library, some sort of tutoring. The guy who would play the one that needed tutoring owed James a favour, but they pretended it was James who owed the guy a favour. So if anyone asked, he had been working with James. He had also promised Sirius he'd try not to fall asleep in the library. He had told Lucius he wouldn't be able to stay all night. Lucius had been disappointed, but understood. This would work. It had to.

James walked down the stairs. There weren't that many people in the common room. Sirius, Remus and Peter were sitting by the fire. Peter was just sitting, Remus was reading, and, as always, Sirius was studying Remus. Every now and then, Remus'd look over his book, and smile at Sirius. Then he'd continue reading.

"Hi, I'm leaving now." James said, and joined the group.

"Sure, you have… fun?" Sirius said, unsure.

"Yah, I bet. I don't even know his name. God it'll be weird." James said.

"You could just tell him you don't want to tutor him." Sirius suggested.

Remus shook his head.

"James owes him or something. Had to do with an individual prank, right?" He said thoughtfully.

James nodded.

"I forgot about that," Sirius said, and got up "come, I'll walk you to the hole."

James smiled. When they reached the portrait hole, Sirius said: "you look nice. You're sure you're not trying to seduce this guy in place if tutoring him?"

"Yes, I'm pretty sure 'bout that." James grinned.

"Right, just routine question," Sirius smiled "so, you think you'll make it back before we go to bed?"

"I'll try Sirius, I'll try," James petted him in his shoulder "goodbye." And left.

It was around seven when James knocked on Lucius' door. He opened the door almost immediately, smiling broadly.

"Hi." He said, as James came in.

Lucius closed the door, and before he could do an other thing, James kissed him passionately on his lips.

"It seems like forever since I've done that." James whispered.

He tried to hold on to whatever it was Lucius tasted like. Tried to remember every curve of his body. He would love to know every single, maybe irrelevant, thing about Lucius. He _would_ know every single, maybe irrelevant, thing about Lucius. He'd make sure about that.

"Come on, sit." Lucius smiled and leaded James to the bed, where he sat down.

Lucius looked good. Beautiful to be honest. He was wearing jeans, a black shirt, and a green sweater. His hair was held together by a black ribbon. Lucius walked to the window and opened the curtains, there was a bright, almost-full moon visible, and all of a sudden, James and the bed were bathing in moonlight. Then, Lucius turned around and looked at James. James smiled at him, and looked into his eyes. He was glad to see, that they were no longer steel. More a stormy kind of grey. With a hint of cerulean.

"Why don't you sit next to me?" James asked, almost accusingly.

Lucius said nothing, walked over to the bed, and sat down anyway. Then he magiced two butterbeers up.

"Want one?" He asked nearly teasingly.

"I do actually." James reached for a bottle, but Lucius held it high.

"I'll need something in return, I'm afraid." He mocked.

"What's that?" James asked.

"Hmm, let me see… a kiss perhaps?" Lucius smiled.

James gave him a soft kiss. While he was indeed enjoying it, he also managed to take away the coveted bottle of butterbeer.

"Did I mention that you look amazing?" James asked, taking a swig.

"No. But thank you anyway. You look breathtaking too, by the way. Astonishing what kind of effect a simple t-shirt can have when _you're_ wearing it," Lucius said "oh, and here." Lucius got a box out of nowhere, and threw it in James' lap.

"Oh! You got me a present?" James cheered.

Lucius nodded. It was covered in black satin. The box alone looked expensive, that said enough about the present. He carefully open the box. And then…

"O my God! It's a ring! And… o my God! It's beautiful! A… o God! Wait… you're not proposing are you? 'Cause I mean I love you but…" Lucius put a finger on James' lips.

"I'm not proposing. It's just a ring." He laughed.

James grinned widely now. It was beautiful. It was a gold ring, a simple one. Not one with a lot of decoration, just a gold circle. But James liked it anyway. James liked simple.

"I feel so bad now," Lucius was afraid for one second there, he thought James felt bad because he didn't like the ring "I didn't get you anything. I thought we agreed that presents were a one year thing, so I didn't… God, I feel awful." James looked at the ring in his hands.

Lucius smiled and took the ring out of James' hands. James freaked for a minute, he felt bad about not getting Lucius anything, but not that bad that he was planning on not accepting the ring. Luckily, Lucius placed the ring around James' right ring finger. James let out a breath he hadn't realised he was holding, and looked at Lucius' eyes again.

"It's okay, I don't mind." Lucius said, and kissed him softly.

And then James knew it. Maybe there was something. Something he wanted to give Lucius. After all, he had known it might happen. He had had a feeling about it. There was something he wanted to do only for Lucius. Only with Lucius.

"You know, there is _something_." James said nervously.

He wasn't at all sure. But it was Lucius. He liked Lucius. He _loved_ Lucius.

"What's that?" Lucius took James' hand for comfort.

He had a feeling. But you could never know with feelings. They could be wrong. So Lucius just gave James' hand a little pinch, to encourage him.

"But…" James stuttered "I can only give it to you if you don't mind getting a sweater for your birthday."

Lucius knew what he meant for sure now. It felt amazing. This probably meant James trusted him. Right? It had to. Lucius felt like singing. He knew what James meant. It was big. Really big.

"Okay… erm… you've given away your… erm… ultimate present." Sirius mumbled.

'My ultimate present?'

"Oh…"

Sirius knew. He knew! How?

"James," Lucius said, and he stroked the hair out of James' face "you don't have to do this if you don't want to."

James shook his head and kissed Lucius' cheek. He softly whispered in his ear: "I really want to. But only with you."

Lucius nodded and softly pushed James against the bed. He putted the bottles away, and looked at James again. An unsure smile played on his lips. Lucius kissed him, and carefully started unbuttoning his shirt. When he was done, he sat up straight again, so James could pull his sweater off and so Lucius could remove James' shirt. Then James undid Lucius' buttons. Lucius gave him a kiss for every button that was undone. To make him relax. It worked. A bit. After the half-undressing, Lucius made sure James was comfortable. He put a pillow under his head, and pulled the blankets up a little. James undid Lucius' belt, he starred at it, focusing on the job. It was amusing, Lucius couldn't help chuckling a bit.

"What?" James asked, wondering what he had done.

"Nothing, you're just adorable when you do that." Lucius said airy.

"I'm adorable when I'm unbuckling your belt?" James asked confused.

"No, you're adorable when you focus on something. You get this little frown in you forehead and… oh, whatever." Lucius kissed James, while he slowly took off Lucius' jeans.

Lucius opened James' slacks, and James' own jeans were removed quickly after that. Lucius started kissing his stomach, feeling all the warmth gathered there, it made him feel safe, one way or an other. James' breath soon became unsteady and hard, but Lucius didn't care, he just pushed James' boxers away and kissed his groin. It didn't make James' breath more steady, but even more uncontrollable, if that was possible. James also took Lucius' underwear off, and kissed Lucius' neck when Lucius began kissing James' chest. Lucius let his hand travel along James' side. He liked to do that. James liked the feeling of it. That was handy. He kissed James' hip and went up again, up, up, up, until he found James' lips. He gave James a deep kiss.

"Do you trust me now?" He whispered.

"I do." James answered truthfully.

And then Lucius kissed him again. Longer this time. As some sort of distraction. Because as he did, he entered. James felt something he had never felt before. Something between excruciating pain, and heavenly delight. A rather odd sensation. As if now, for the first time, he was whole. Reunited with his other half. It was indeed strange. James pulled himself up by Lucius' body, that increased the feeling of being whole. James had a feeling as if he'd faint, but he didn't. He felt it all. Every single movement Lucius made. And he actually liked it. But it tore him apart all at the same time. He kissed Lucius' shoulder, and before he actually realised it, he bit him. For a split second he was afraid for what'd come next, but Lucius simple moaned, pain and pleasure combined. They both carefully moved, Lucius didn't want to hurt James. His body moved at a steady pace, taking in everything that came. James'd moan, Lucius'd go a little slower. When James'd pant, Lucius'd move faster for some time, still considerably slow, but faster. All of a sudden, Lucius moved upwards a little, as if to pull away from James, but since James' leg was straddling his hip, and it seemed as if there waists were glued together, this had no use. James too, got up a little and kissed Lucius, pulling him down again. Lucius didn't mind at all. They slowly moved now, slower then before. It wasn't even like they were moving at all, there was no space for movements. Just warmth. Lucius moaned when James moved suddenly, he had started shaking. He couldn't help it. All of it combined, all the feelings together, made him tremble. Pleasure, expectation, passion, love, prospects, everything. It all came together as he trembled some more.

James' hands went over Lucius back, and he pulled Lucius even closer. James' mouth had opened, since he was panting once more. Lucius kissed his bottom lip, gently sucking it. It was a huge turn-on, not that they needed it. But there was something exciting about the whole, one lip kiss. Or whatever you call it. James' hands still moved over Lucius' back, which was a little wet from sweating. James was also sweating, but it wasn't really that extraordinary. It was hot. This was more strenuous then any sort of exercise. It took James a great effort not to wake the whole school by screaming. All of it was work. But fun work. It was amazing. At least, that's what James thought. A magical feeling, every time one of them moved. He had never been so close to someone. He had never _wanted_ to be so close to someone. Now he could really feel every curve of Lucius' body. James loved it, and his hand slid down Lucius' back again.

And then it came closer. James could feel it coming near. An explosion of overwhelming heat. An end of up and down. Left and right. The world would no longer exist, because how could it ever be the same after that one moment? The one moment of combined heat. James started panting again, Lucius too, had felt it and his breathing was loud now. It was coming closer. And then, James parted his lips, he couldn't help it, he had to do something, but he did not scream. Lucius mouth caught James' cry, and melted it into a kiss of pure passion. All was in there. James' cries, Lucius' moans, whispers, names. All.

James swallowed hard, and Lucius turned to his side, moving James along with him. James looked at Lucius and carefully breathed out. Lucius was still breathtaking. His whole body was shining in the light of the moon outside, and his normally pale cheeks had reddened. Lucius looked at James and smiled. He looked absolutely astonishing in the moonlight. Little droplets of sweat were glittering on his tanned skin. Once more, Lucius whipped the hair out of James' face.

"I…" James croaked, coughed, hoped his voice would be a little less broken, and tried again: "I love you. I hope… that was… okay? I mean… did I do something… wrong?"

He sounded awfully insecure.

"Of course not! Oh, come here." Lucius just had to take him closer.

He looked so fragile and small. So Lucius smiled at him, trying to reassure him that everything was alright, and he kissed him softly, holding him in a tight embrace.

"So it was… okay?" James asked, looking up into Lucius' eyes.

"It was the best gift anyone could have ever given me. And you're the only one who could've given it to me. I love you too." Lucius said and kissed him again.

James smiled. He felt good about this, at last. There was trust now. And it was everything James had hoped it'd be. He looked at Lucius' neck. There was a red spot there, where James had bitten him earlier.

"God, that's awful, doesn't it hurt?" James asked and stroke it softly.

Lucius shivered, a sign that maybe it wasn't completely painless.

"It's okay. I'll wear it with pride." He winked.

James smiled again, and tried to relax his breathing, which still was pretty loud. Lucius himself didn't mind James' breathing, his own was loud too. And he liked the fact that he was the reason why James' breathing was hard and unsteady. He couldn't help feeling all tingly inside. He didn't know, but James felt the same way, tingly, his stomach in a knot. It was a great feeling. Made James feel safe, at home even. Like magic. It made them both feel wanted. It was great. The way they loved each other, made the rest of the world seem so far away. Nothing mattered when they were together. At least, most things didn't matter when they were together.

"I still have to set the clock." James whispered.

Lucius could feel his hot breath in his neck, his hair stroked Lucius' chest.

"What for?" He asked.

"I promised Sirius I'd come back as soon as possible. I thought I told you? Or did I forget?" James started thinking.

"No, you did. I just… forgot." Lucius sounded a bit disappointed, then his eyes started shinning, he was up to something.

"So, how long," Lucius sucked James' bottom lip "do you think you're staying then?"

"Ten." James said, his voice was still hoarse.

Lucius kissed him fully now, caressing his hip.

"Ten?" Lucius asked mockingly.

"And a half." James knew it was a trick.

And he started falling for it. He didn't even really mind falling for Lucius.

"Only a half?" Lucius questioned, he pouted a little.

Then he turned James around again, and kissed his neck.

"Fine… eleven… then." James said, not without difficulties.

Lucius was turning him on again, and he knew it. The sneaky little bastard.

"Hmm, maybe." Lucius kissed him over the length of his chest.

"Okay…" James gasped, trying to sound steady "five past."

"Hmm, I was thinking more like…" Lucius kissed his groin "ten past."

Lucius looked up at him. James had closed his eyes.

"But, that's only five minutes more," James said sadly. "Fifteen past, and we have a deal."

Lucius grinned.

"Fine, fifteen past it is then." Lucius kissed James again.

His tongue softly caressed James', and when Lucius took James close again, James actually purred with pleasure. James turned over again, and they turned and turned, until James sat on top. He puffed a bit, and took the clock from the nightstand. Lucius looked at his magnificent body, and trailed his chest with a finger while James set the clock. He shivered with enjoyment.

"You're cold?" Lucius asked, mocking, as always.

"Hmm," James put the clock away, and pulled the blanket over his back, so it was as if both him and Lucius were lying in a weird tent-ish thing "not really."

He kissed Lucius and Lucius sat up straight a bit. He tried to take his bottle of butterbeer, but couldn't reach it. James looked at him and took it instead.

"Here you go, pour invalid Sweetheart." He said and gave it to Lucius.

"Invalid? Because I couldn't get my bottle?" Lucius asked and took a sip.

"Indeed. You most definitely have the short-arm syndrome." James said know-it-all-ish.

"Short-arm syndrome? What the hell is that?" Lucius rose an eyebrow.

"That's what you have." James grinned a bit and took his own bottle.

"Oh shut it, you'll give me complexes with your sodding 'short-arm syndrome' you bastard." Lucius said, pretending to be hurt.

"Aow, you pour thing, I was just warning you, you know, and making sure you knew that you have some… problems."

"Yah, one of them is the guy that's currently sitting on top of me, he just won't leave, it's really strange." Lucius said thoughtfully.

James pouted a bit.

"Now, now, did I hurt your feelings? I didn't mean to. You take the short-arm syndrome back, and I'll be sweeter." Lucius stated.

"Okay. I'm sorry, you don't have the short-arm syndrome." James said.

"Yah, of course not, it doesn't even exist." Lucius rolled his eyes.

"Does too!" James whined.

Lucius shook his head and kissed James.

"And, you know, even if you _would_ have the short-arm syndrome, I'd still love you. " James stated.

"Right. But I do not have the short-arm syndrome. I don't. I just couldn't reach the bottle."

"Of course Sweetheart," James pulled him a little closer, and they sat in a weird way on the bed "of course."

Lucius set the bottles away and pinned him down again, so now they were lying sort of upside down. There heads were where your feet were supposed to be, and if they would outstretch there toes, they'd feel the pillows.

"Now, I must say, you look ever so hot, lying like that, with your lips parted and all." Lucius winked and let his hand travel along James' leg, then he put it around his own waist.

"Why thank you, you look extremely hot yourself, being so beautiful and sexy and all." James lay his hands around his neck, and pulled him in for a kiss.

Lucius turned around, and pulled James close against him. Then, he yawned.

"Oh, am I so boring?" James asked pouting.

"No, I just had a long day." Lucius yawned again.

James smiled and took the pillows that rested by there feet. He lay one under Lucius' head, and took one for himself. He lay close to Lucius, but Lucius was a little confused.

"Something's wrong," he said "we're not lying correct, are we?"

"What?" James looked around "Oh, that. Yes, we're upside-down." James said, wondering if it mattered.

"Hmm, right. I never noticed the wall being so empty." Lucius said, and looked at the wall behind his bed.

James smiled. He could fix that.

"Wait a sec, I'll be right back." James got out of bed and looked for his jeans.

Lucius looked at him as he took out his wand. He magiced up something Lucius had never seen before. An old muggle device. It was one of those cameras that printed the picture immediately. James got back into bed and lay next to Lucius again. He kissed Lucius' cheek, looked into the camera, and took a picture of the kiss. The picture came out and James waved it a bit, while saying: "here, now you have something to hang there." He gave the picture to Lucius.

Lucius smiled.

"Thank you." He said and crawled to the other side of the bed.

"You have a nail or something? So I can put it up?" Lucius asked.

James came sitting next to him, and magiced up a couple of nails. Lucius took one and pinned the picture to the wall, right in the middle.

"It's still sort of empty." Lucius said, studying the wall attentively.

"Here, take the camera. You can have it. This way you can take pictures and hang them up, your wall will be full in no time." James handed Lucius the camera.

"Are you sure? I mean, you like the camera." Lucius said.

"I have about a dozen of them. It's no problem," James smiled "now come, let's sleep, I'm getting tired myself."

James pulled Lucius back to the other end of the bed, and snuggled close to him. He liked to do that. The warmth of Lucius' body made him feel safe. In a way, he felt totally different. And he was totally different, he was no longer a virgin. It had a downside though, he had hoped that he'd be able to talk about it to Sirius, like he and Sirius had talked about his first time with that one girl, and with Remus. But he couldn't. Sirius didn't even know he was seeing Lucius. He couldn't.

"Good night." He whispered.

"Good night." Lucius said.

James fell asleep shortly after that. But Lucius couldn't sleep that well, so he sat up straight again. The camera was resting on the nightstand, and Lucius decided to do one more thing before he went to sleep. He took the camera and looked at James. He really was beautiful. The blanket was resting low on his hips, and nearly revealed his groin. His lashes threw little shadows on his face. One of his hands lay on his hip, the other rested half on Lucius' pillow. His whole body shone in the moonlight. Lucius'd be damned if he didn't take a picture of that. And he'd hang it on the wall. No one ever came in this room, expect for Severus, but he always asked, and he knew about Lucius and James anyway. So he took the picture, waved with it, and hung it next to the other one on the wall. Then he put the camera away, lay next to James again, and wrapped his arms around his waist.

James was awoken by the clock that started ringing like mad. He yawned and looked at Lucius, he too was waking up. James smiled and crawled to the nightstand. He put off the clock and lazily got out of bed. He had had about two hours of sleep, a bit more, but still. He didn't like interrupting his sleep. Lucius turned on his stomach and watched James dress.

"It sucks that you have to leave, you know." He said.

James came over to him and kissed him. Lucius sat up straight and started buttoning James' shirt. Then James noticed the picture.

"Oh, you took a picture while I was sleeping," James couldn't help giggling a bit "that's sooo sweet!"

He gave Lucius an other kiss. Lucius too came out of bed, and walked with James to the door. They kissed again.

"I hate having to say goodbye." James said.

"Then don't." Lucius suggested.

James smiled and kissed him again. Longer, deeper. He softly caressed Lucius bottom lip, and then bit it. He knew that turned Lucius on. Then he kissed the wound he had made on Lucius' shoulder, kissed Lucius' nose, and left.

Lucius sighed and went back to bed. He looked at the two pictures that hung on the wall. He really was totally, madly in love with James.

James felt extremely happy. He had made love with Lucius. Things couldn't get any better. He felt all glow-ish and stuff. Like he was radiating happiness. Or like he was surrounded by a golden light or something weird. He happily opened the portrait hole, and as he crossed the room, a voice came calling to him.

"You didn't tutor anyone did you?"

James turned around in shock. It was Sirius.

"What do you mean?" James asked silently.

"I can tell. You haven't been tutoring, you had a date or something." Sirius said, and James moved a bit closer.

"I… it's not…" He began.

"God James, just spit it out." Sirius looked at James.

James swallowed hard. Sirius had noticed.

It had been weeks, months even, that James had hid it. He had been very careful. There had been slips, but everything had been fine tonight. But now Sirius had noticed. How?

"Sirius I don't…" James said.

"Listen James, I won't tell anyone, you just need to tell me, I deserve to know. If you're afraid I'll tell Remus, I promise I wont. God knows I love that man, but I won't tell him James." Sirius said, laying a hand on James' shoulder.

"Sirius, I don't even know what your talking about."

"Pleas James, God, we both know you… 'lost' something tonight."

'Lost?'

"Lost?"

Lost what?

"Okay… erm… you've given away your… erm… ultimate present." Sirius mumbled.

'My ultimate present?'

"Oh…"

Sirius knew. He knew! How?

"Sirius, how do you… know?" James asked.

"I can tell James. You've changed. Something major has happened. You're extremely happy. You walked in here, you were radiating happiness. I can tell. I could tell after the first night with Remus. Some people notice such things James. You have to be close, but you notice. I noticed." Sirius said.

James sat down before the fire, and Sirius said down next to him.

"But I know it wasn't with Lilly though. She was here the whole night. Aren't you supposed to be together? I thought you were?" Sirius asked.

He wasn't sure. James looked at him. He should tell him. Sirius'd understand. He really would.

"No. It wasn't with Lilly." James said, his voice was shaking.

Sirius put his hand on James knee, and looked him in the eye.

"Who was it then? James, you can trust me. You know that." He said.

"Lucius." James blurted.

'Lucius.'

"What about him?" Sirius asked cautiously.

"I slept with Lucius." James said.

Sirius eyes got a silver kind of blue in them. James knew that could mean two things: or Sirius was surprised, or he was happy. Maybe both?

"O." Sirius said bluntly "But… James, you did want to right?" He asked.

"What? Of course I wanted to! What did you think? That he raped me or something? Sirius, it's not like that. I wanted to. I'm sort of… Sirius, I kind of love him." James said with some doubts, and he swallowed hard once he had confessed.

The silver in his eyes got bigger. Surprised. And happy. Both.

"Well, I hadn't seen that one coming, I'll admit." Sirius smiled a bit, and hugged James.

"But hey, as long as he didn't hurt you, or at least not on purpose, I can… I can live with this," James smiled too "but I swear James, if he ever hurts you, I'll beat the leaving hell out of him, like it or not."

"Are you sure you're okay?" James asked.

"I will be. I just… I whished that you would've told me sooner. I mean, admit, you wouldn't 've told me tonight if I hadn't told you I knew you weren't a virgin anymore, right?" Sirius said.

"I'm sorry 'bout that. It's just weird you know. I myself had to get used to liking him. Okay, honestly, I did that ages ago. But the idea of him liking me back, it was so… new. And all of it was so frightening. We were unsure about it all. I mean, every time I was alone with him, I was afraid he'd leave me. I didn't wanna give myself to much hope I guess. And I was afraid about your reaction. I mean, this is Lucius we're talking about." James said.

Sirius just smiled.

"I promise, as long as you're okay, I'm okay. Just… make sure you don't end up hurt James, you know… I don't really tru…" James interrupted Sirius.

"I know you don't. But I do, and it took me exactly eight months, two weeks and six days to get here. And I am okay with this. I really, really, really, really, really, _really_ like him." James said.

"Okay. Come on now, let's get to bed. I wanna hear all about this thing first thing tomorrow. I'm sure we can find a place privet to talk about this." Sirius smiled and got up.

He helped James to get up too, and they walked to the dormitory. So Sirius was okay with it? That was great. Now the only thing he had to do, was tell Remus. Then the rest would follow. James got into bed with a strange feeling. Happiness mixed with fear. Or something like that. He didn't pay any attention to it, and fell asleep soon.

Sirius himself was confused. James and Lucius. Right. But he could handle that. Everything for James' happiness. And if to James, happiness meant Lucius, he could handle it.


	2. I Chapter two: Maybe, just maybe

**Chapter two:**** Maybe, just maybe…**

"But… the blindfold…" James murmured.

"I don't recall asking for your input." He hissed.

And he pushed James against the desk. Again. How? How could he find himself in this position. Oh. Why not? He liked it. Hmm. Yah. He liked it.

When James woke up and checked the clock, he was shocked! It was only five! So maybe that wasn't so extraordinary… for a Ravenclaw! He was really shocked. He feared for his life. He'd die of a heart attack. Right there in bed. Okay, so that's a bit over top. But honestly, James never woke up at five. He sat up straight. The bed opposite to his, Sirius', was empty. The sheets of the bed next to his, Remus', covered two people. Sirius did that a lot. He always tried to return to his own bed though. Not that anyone cared. They knew Sirius slept in Remus' bed most of the nights. It was a fact; Sirius just couldn't sleep well without Remus. James understood that. He loved to sleep next to Lucius. He slept so much better with Lucius, then when he slept alone. James had just decided to turn around again, when he heard Remus and Sirius talking. There was the rustle of paper wrappers. So they were eating candy. James smiled to himself.

He remembered a time when Sirius would take away Remus' chocolate. Then he'd run to the toilet and he'd pretend to throw it away, Remus always followed him. Then the door would close, during their 'fight'. All the guys in the dormitory would watch the bathroom. They could always here noises of the 'battle' inside. That was back when only James knew about Sirius and Remus. Those fights were an excuse for Sirius to be stuck in the bathroom with Remus. Of course, there would be a short fight, wherein Remus would overpower Sirius and take back his chocolate. Then he'd eat it. That'd turn Sirius on. And they'd have Hot Bathroom Sex. Honestly, guys could be really thick. Like it would take Remus about an hour to get his chocolate back? Not really. But it could take an hour for Sirius to make love to Remus. Guys were thick.

James softly chuckled in the memory, and couldn't help listening to their conversation.

"So, did you see James?" Remus asked in a low voice.

"Yah. Tutoring went fine, it just took ages. Apparently this guy is thick or something." Sirius answered.

Sweet Sirius. James should've known that he could trust him. James made a note to tell Sirius he was sorry tomorrow. So he had already said it, who cares. And he'd thank him too. For everything.

"I'm a bit worried though," Remus whispered. "He looks like a train wreck. Like he's tired all the time. I mean, not _tired_, tired. Just like he isn't getting enough sleep."

"True. It's totally bringing his hotness level down." Sirius joked.

Remus chuckled a bit. He hardly ever chuckled. Only about things Sirius said. James' funniness was rewarded with a Remus-ish laugh. Not often with a chuckle. James told himself to remember the chuckle forever. Remus' chuckles were rare.

"But don't worry 'bout him Sweety," Sirius said. "I'll talk to him later, and ask him about it."

James turned his head to look at them. The sun was coming up, and the dormitory was weakly lit. He could see them lying the wrong way. With their heads where their feet were supposed to be. Like he and Lucius were lying earlier. Remus' hand was on Sirius' chest, and Sirius' was on Remus' hip. The blanket was resting under Remus' arm, but Sirius was half un-covered. One of his legs was hanging over the edge of the bed, and he was swinging it lazily. They were most definitely naked.

"Thanks." Remus said, and James could see him moving, to give Sirius a soft kiss.

"Hmm," Sirius stroked Remus' hip a bit. "Anything for you my dear Moony, but now try to get some sleep. It's gonna be a big day and all." Sirius whispered.

"Right. I love you Padfoot." Remus said.

Sirius moved to his side, and pulled Remus closer.

"I love you too Moony." He said.

James turned again. Not much after that, he too, fell asleep again.

When he woke up, Remus and Sirius were the only ones that were still in the dormitory. Sirius was taking everything out of his nightstands. He didn't even try to organize all his stuff. He just made a grab in one of the nightstand, and threw all his stuff on the bed. Then he moved to the other one, and repeated the process. Remus was cleaning one out. He _did_ do it more carefully. Taking his things out one by one, and then putting them on his bed, in a neat pile none the less. Remus liked things a bit more neat. Sirius had just ducked under his bed to get out his secret stash of candy when James asked: "what are you guys doing?" And rubbed his eyes.

Sirius came out again, holding only one of the boxes where he hid his candy in. He was smiling broadly.

"I'm moving to Remus' bed!" He cheered.

Remus too had a little smile on his face. James could see he was trying to hide his happiness, but his eyes were shinning like never before. And when Remus' eyes shone, he was happy. His eyes smiled more then his lips could ever.

"Okay, and what does that mean exactly?" James asked, sitting up straight.

"Well, that I'm gonna have to be able to fit all of my stuff in one nightstand for starters. That my bed's gonna be empty for the rest of the year. Oh, and that I finally, FINALLY! Get to share a bed with beautiful, enchanting Remus." Sirius cheered.

He felt very cheery today. James could tell. Remus just shook his head, rolling his eyes, and Sirius sort of tackled him onto James' bed. James started laughing, and Remus started hitting Sirius. Sirius totally ignored that, and started tickling him. Remus moved all spastically to get Sirius off, he didn't like tickling.

"Get off, you sodding wanker!" Remus yelled.

Sirius stopped for a second and kissed him, then he continued. James was feeling a bit in danger, with Remus' arms and legs flying all about, so he backed away a bit. Then Sirius finally stopped, and sat next to James. Remus was panting a bit. James smiled.

"It's a fine day, isn't it mister Prongs." Sirius said all mischief-ish.

Sirius offered James a hand. He shook it warmly. He always did when he said something all mischief-ish.

"I agree mister Padfoot, how 'bout you mister Moony." James asked, an equal bit of mischiefness in his voice.

"Well, I'd say a fine day indeed." Moony turned on his stomach, and watched Prongs and Padfoot.

Prongs gave Moony a hand too. Moony, who's always clever and sees everything someone else might miss and all, noticed the ring.

"What's that?" He asked and rose an eyebrow.

Sirius looked at James' hand. James pulled it into his lap again. Remus kept looking at it though.

"Well Prongs, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were engaged." Sirius laughed.

"I'm not. It was a gift." James said feebly.

He hid his hand under the blanket, because Remus continued looking at it. It made James feel a bit uncomfortable.

"From who then?" Remus asked.

Sirius probably knew. Or he'd have guessed at least.

"Well, one of my old aunts. One of those I've never heard of. Gave it to me. She thinks she's gonna die soon, and is giving all her stuff away. I got the ring. And I'm fond of it." James smiled a bit.

"Right," Remus also smiled. Though he still didn't seem convinced. "I hadn't noticed."

Then Remus pushed himself up by his arms, and got out of James' bed. He continued emptying one of the nightstands. Then Sirius whispered: "it's from Lucius, right? Why don't you go and see him? Don't you think he'll want to talk to you? Or see you? After last night?"

James' eyes grew bigger. Sirius started getting out of bed too. He was right. James nodded, but decided to stay there just a little longer. He watched Sirius get out an other box that contained his secret stash. The boxes were coloured, and the colour depended on which sweet was inside. If the sweets needed to be held in cooler surroundings, Sirius put them in the grey box. The box had a spell on it, and worked as some sort of fridge. It was far most the biggest box of them all, and it was chockfull of chocolate. Sirius kept a lot of chocolate because it was Remus' favourite. The red box, was cooler then the blue one, but warmer then the grey. It held sugar quills and all things related. In the blue one, things like Drooble's Best Bubblegum were to be found. When Sirius had collected all his junk… erm… stuff, he looked at Remus.

"You done?" He asked.

Remus smiled, and nodded.

"Can you help me with this?" Sirius looked at his bed.

James noticed that his cheeks were a bit red.

'My, my,' he though 'Sirius Black, blushing? I never saw any such thing.'

"Sure." Remus said.

James watched them. Remus helped Sirius divide his stuff into two piles. One was junk, the other more important junk. Or something like that. Sirius' secret stash went under Remus' bed, next to Remus' own stash and his important, yet secret box. No one knew what was in the important, yet secret box, but James had a feeling that Sirius knew. Sirius had a box like that too, and so did James. In Sirius' box, there were a lot of pictures. Of him and Remus, him and James, the Marauders, _one_ family picture and many more. There were letters in Sirius' box, most of them came from Remus of course. But he also had a couple that came from James. All the corny letters that he had received from fan-girls, had been thrown out ages ago. James knew all of this because Sirius told him about it. James used to tell Sirius about his box, and they switched sometimes, to look at each others memories. But they stopped doing that around the time that Lucius' letters had appeared in there. James wrote things, sometimes. Like things you'd write in a diary. But then on parchment. That came in the box too. And pictures. Lots of them. Of all sorts of things. Of wicked shoes. Trees. The Marauders. Ties. Hands. All sorts of stupid, senseless things. All in all, James was happy he that Sirius knew. Now they could exchange boxes again. He watched as Sirius tried to fit all of his important junk into one nightstand. James smiled. That was one of the small things that made him realise how much Sirius loved Remus. Sirius needed a lot of space, like _a lot_, a lot. A lot. But for Remus, he'd always settle with less. James then decided to go to Lucius. He got dressed, stretching a bit. He felt sore. So maybe that was normal. Maybe. James wouldn't know. He should ask Sirius about that later. He was putting on his socks, while Sirius and Remus had a tiff about Sirius 'borrowing' one of Remus' books, and Remus finding it, after months of looking, in the junk pile. While James put on his shoes, Remus said: "but Sirius! It was a Charles!"

"Charles!" Sirius yelled. "I've been replaced by someone named Charles?"

"Of course not, Silly," Remus laughed his really happy laugh. "I meant Charles Dickens. The writer. But st…" Remus went quiet all of a sudden.

James tied his laces, and turned around to see what had shut Remus up. He smiled. Sirius was kissing Remus. And as James walked out of the room, Sirius pushed Remus on the bed.

'Knock knock.'

James looked down the hall again, to make sure no one was there. But indeed, the hall was empty.

"Who is it?" Lucius' voice called from the other side of the door.

"James." James said.

Silence. Then…

"Come in."

James came in and closed the door behind him. Lucius was sitting behind his desk and was writing a letter. James leaned against the door and watched him. His quill smoothly slit over the parchment as he wrote words that were invisible to James. He was wearing his black robe. Apparently he had just woken up, otherwise he would've been dressed already. James could see that whoever he was writing to, it had to be an important person. The letter was long, and in fine, clear writing. Normally Lucius' writing was small, and with a little swoop sort of thing. A bit curly. Very airy. Simplified, yet structured and graceful. James stood there. Unsure what to do. Maybe he should leave?

"I'm very sorry about this," Lucius said suddenly. "But this is awfully important. Do sit down."

He didn't even look up. James sat down on the bed. The two pictures were still there, and they reminded James of last night. Thinking of last night made him feel all butterfly-in-the-stomach-ish. Very exhilarated and such things. He sat still for an other ten minutes. He got a bit bored. But whatever, he was waiting for Lucius, it was worth it. He waited an other ten minutes or so. Then Lucius put his quill down and turned around to look at James. James didn't even notice; he was to busy counting the holes in the ceiling. Not that there were any, he just pretended that there were, and counted them.

"So what exactly are you doing?" Lucius asked.

James continued looking up.

"I'm counting the holes in the ceiling." He said.

Lucius got up, and sat next to James.

"There aren't any." He stated, whilst looking up, to make sure the ceiling was hole-less.

"I know," James looked at Lucius now, a little smile playing on his lips. "They're imaginary. I made them up so I could count them. So I wouldn't be bored and all."

Lucius looked James in the eye.

"You're mad." He whispered.

"I've been told." James said.

They stayed quiet for a whiled. It was a bit of an uneasy silence. And still there was something… comforting about it. Lucius' eyes were some sort of dark cerulean. With silver. Lucius thought James' eyes looked a bit golden. He'd always remember how he had thought, at that exact moment: 'beautiful.'

"So," Lucius started. "This is a pleasant surprise."

"Well, I just…" James seemed nervous. "I can go, if you want me…" he didn't know what to say.

A pleasant surprise? Maybe he was being sarcastic. Lucius tended to be sarcastic. A lot. Could he be now?

"No! Of course not!" Lucius took James' hand. "I like you being here. It's just a surprise. I would've dressed." Lucius said, gesturing at his robe.

He looked down at James hand. He could feel the cool metal of the ring. It made him happy to see it was still around James' finger. He probably didn't notice the text though. (What text? That's for later. When James finds out. Otherwise I would spoil the surprise.)

"I don't really mind though," James' free hand started fidgeting with the rope of Lucius' robe, Lucius lifted an eyebrow. "You not being dressed and all."

James lifted his head and looked into Lucius' eyes.

"Well, I could've known that." Lucius smiled.

He took James' head and kissed him softly. James smiled, leaned back, and lay crossed on the bed. Lucius lay down next to him.

"I hope you really don't mind me being here?" James murmured.

"No, of course not." Lucius kissed him again.

"But you looked so busy, writing a letter and all." James said, while Lucius turned to his side.

"I'm not writing one right now," he said. "But James, be honest… what about last night?" This time it was Lucius who sounded insecure.

"What about it?" James looked at Lucius' cheeks, they were a deep hint of pink.

"Was it… well, I mean… were you okay?" Lucius sounded worried.

"Of course I was," James caressed his pink cheek. "I would've told you if I wasn't."

"And was it… I don't know… a good… first time?"

James nodded. Lucius breathed out slowly.

"But I'm completely tired. Though it has to be about ten." James said.

Lucius pulled up the blankets from the back of the bed, and covered James.

"Then sleep," he said. "And I'll finish up the letter, and then join you."

James smiled at him, and closed his eyes.

"And maybe we can have a bath later?" He asked sleepy.

"That sounds great." Lucius gave him a last kiss, and went back to the desk.

He continued writing. This was important, it had to be done. Then he joined James when he had sent the letter.

Two hours later, James woke up, and Lucius hadn't even been sleeping. He had just been lying there, his hands wrapped around James' waist, his eyes a bit closed. He opened them when James moved though. He was very alert. Certainly when it came to James.

"Hi." Lucius whispered when James stirred.

James yawned. His eyes hadn't opened yet.

"Hi." He said.

"You wanna take that bath now?" Lucius asked.

"Sure." James mumbled.

James turned around and Lucius got out of bed. He walked to the bathroom. The tub was an old fashion one, and it was pretty long. Lucius let a mix of warm and cold water run in the bath and waited. While he waited, he looked at James. When the bath was a little more then half full, he closed the cranes. Then walked back to the bed, where James yawned once more.

"Come on Sweetheart." Lucius picked James up, and smiled.

James' golden orbs were looking at him. Lucius carried him to the bathtub, and put him on the side, where he started undressing him. James went through Lucius' long hair with his fingers. They kissed, and James took Lucius' robe off. Lucius sat down in the tub, and James sat between his legs. He took off the ring Lucius had given him, and placed it on the little table that stood next to the bath. James leaned back against Lucius' chest and closed his eyes. He took one of the older man's hands, and entwined their fingers. He loved times like these. Where it was just the two of them. James felt so much better when he could openly love Lucius. That was so much easier then pretending not to love him. And James didn't like to pretend. He didn't wish to live a lie.

He moved the hand that was entwined with Lucius', and let it travel along his leg. Lucius kissed his ear, and James turned his head, so he could blindly kiss Lucius. It went a bit wrong: he ended up kissing Lucius' nose instead, but the second time, Lucius helped. He brought his mouth to James' and James sucked his bottom lip gently. Lucius loved it when he did that. It turned him on. Their hands were still moving over James' leg, but Lucius didn't mind. James let out a content sigh. When Lucius' hand moved along his thigh, he moaned, but didn't open his eyes. Lucius grinned and bit his earlobe. Mockingly, he whispered in James' ear: "you like that?"

"Hmm… yes." James mumbled.

Lucius moved their hands over James' leg, going to his knee. Then to his hip, going to his thigh again. This was the moment where James released Lucius' hand, and both of his hands took Lucius' other one, and brought it to his lips, then to his chest. Lucius' other hand was still moving over James' inner thigh, tracing patterns with his fingers. When Lucius found a sensitive spot, James gasped. He grinned again.

"Well, I can't help it James. You sitting like that. You're just asking for it." He whispered, his breath tickling James' ear.

James moved his head, and kissed Lucius' neck. He licked the wound he had made the former night. Then he kissed Lucius' lips, whispering: "asking for what then?"

Lucius inhaled his words. A shiver ran down his spine. He gave James' inner thigh a pinch. Whispered words in his ear: "you really want to know?"

James nodded. He had a pretty good idea what Lucius wanted to do. He had no objection whatsoever.

"Hmm…" Lucius savoured the taste of James' mouth on his. "Allow me to show you then."

His arms went around James legs, and just like that, he lifted him out of the tub. When he stepped out, they were dripping all over the carpet, but he didn't mind. James took a towel, and Lucius carried him to the bed. He carefully dropped him, and almost completely dried James with the towel. James' hair was still a little damp when Lucius softly pushed him back. They kissed again. James took the towel, and dried Lucius a bit, who leaned over him, and kissed his belly. His hand tiptoed over James' inner thigh. Giving little pinches. Turning both him and James on. James kissed him again. Lucius kissed his thigh. James moaned. Lucius panted. And they made love. Hot, wet, sweaty, exhilarating, exhausting, loving love. Kissing, touching, feeling, throbbing, thrusting. Love.

When James woke up, the blankets were wrapped around Lucius completely. He smiled when Lucius moved, entangling the blankets even more, so now it was as if he slept in some weird cocoon. James got up, and went to the bathroom, the ring was still lying on the table. He didn't put it on immediately, instead he walked back to the bed, and put it on the nightstand. Then he lay down next to Lucius again. Lucius twisted and turned in his sleep. His hair was still damp. The revealed skin was glistering with little sweat droplets. All in all he looked beautiful. He had always been beautiful. Always.

Life could be easier. Life would be easier, if only you didn't love Lucius. You could love Lilly, you could do that James. But no, you had to go and fall in love with Lucius Malfoy. And why? If he'd ask you, would you be able to answer? Why do you love him? Maybe because he is a bloody prick, but for you, he'd be nice. Maybe because he makes you smile, even when you're sad. Maybe because with him, you can be just you. Because only the thought of him makes you mad. Because he'd moan your name, when both of you'd come. Because the littlest of his touches sent you over top. Because he is like you, but still so different. Because he mocks you, and he'd kiss you seconds after the mocking. Because you need him. Because he rights the wrongs and wrongs the rights. Because he sees you the way you truly are. Because he doesn't mind you telling him he has the short-arm-syndrome. Because he was the first one ever to make love to you. Because you long to be with him, every single day. Because you look at him and know that you want him, only him. Because no one else will do. Because you are really falling for him. Because you don't quite mind falling for him.

"Hi Love, is something wrong?" He whispered.

He knew you were awake. And he didn't even need to open his eyes to know. You looked at him. His skin looked so silver. Hmm. Gods you liked that man.

"I'm fine. 'M just not tired, that's all." James whispered.

"Hmm… okay… you wanna get up then?" Lucius suppressed a yawn.

James noticed.

"Oh no, you're still tired. Go back to sleep." James looked at Lucius.

His eyes were still closed. He turned around, oddly twitching as he did. He had a little struggle, which made James giggle, and made James having to hide the giggle so Lucius wouldn't hear. Eventually he lay with his body turned to James', and he took James' hand.

"Please, stay." He whispered.

He didn't dare open his eyes. Afraid James might already be gone. James himself was shocked. Lucius never ever asked him things like that. Okay, sure, he said things like: "I hate that you have to leave." And all of that. But he never actually told James in those exact words. Yah, right, he said he didn't want him to leave, but he never said that he wanted him to stay. James came close, and kissed Lucius' hand. He held Lucius' head firmly against his chest, and kissed his cheek. It made James feel a bit strange. Proud or something like that. As if, for once, it was James who was strongest. Normally Lucius would hold James, not the other way around. But this time it was James holding Lucius. And it made him smile. Because to him it was prove Lucius loved him. He knew Lucius hated to show emotion like fear. But now, with James he didn't mind.

"Of course. I would never dream of leaving you. You're adorable when you sleep." James said solemnly.

Lucius opened an eye, and looked up at James. He had a mysterious smile playing on his lips, and the one eye stared questioningly into one of James'.

"Are you being serious?" He asked, half asking, half mocking.

"Well, of course, a _Malfoy_ wouldn't understand all the sentimental crap," James said heartily. "But yes. You, Lucius Malfoy, are adorable when you sleep. Oh, and I'll let you in on a little secret," James bended over, so he could whisper something into Lucius' ear. "I like to think that you sleep, just for my amusement." He winked.

Lucius quirked an eyebrow.

"Do you now?" He gave James a chaste kiss. James nodded. "Then you wont mind me sleeping some more?"

"Definitely not." James kissed Lucius.

This time it wasn't a chaste one. More like a tongues-curling one. James smiled, and Lucius went back to sleep. He was _really_ tired.

When Lucius woke up, they sat together all day. They talked, just talked. You know. Strange how just talking can be so amazing. Lucius was so _funny_. And so _cute_. And he'd give James peck-kisses. Those little kisses would make James' toes curl. They talked about all sorts of things. And Lucius opened the window. They listened to all the students that were sitting outside, enjoying their free day. Lucius' magiced up food and they ate cereal for lunch. And they just loved each other, you know? Because even just talking, is loving. Definitely when your name is James Potter and you're talking to Lucius Malfoy.

And that evening, James and Sirius talked. James told every icky, teeny detail. And asked stuff. Because Sirius was so _wise_ when it came to loving a man. After all he had loved Remus for quite a while now. And they sat there, in some hall closet eating candy, by the light of their _lumos_, and laughed and stuff like that. Sirius made a perfect audience. His eyes grew wide at the smallest detail, and he'd actually made a couple of 'ooh, that's so sweet!' sounds. It was just great to finally be able to talk about it with Sirius. And after, they told Remus about the talk in the closet. Not _why_ they talked, just that they had. And James was convinced that Remus believed that Sirius had talked to him about his 'hotness level'. James knew Sirius felt guilty about it. And it made James realise, once more, how much he cared for Sirius. Sirius was really like family. In the disguise of a best friend. He teasingly thought about asking his mother if he hadn't had a lost brother out there somewhere, and if maybe, that brother could be Sirius. He restrained himself though. People were confused enough as it was.

All in all, time past far to fast for James' fashion. But then on the other hand, sometimes it went by to slowly. Tests came and went. And then his sixth year had come to an end. Before he knew it, he was sitting on the train with his friends. They didn't know it, but he was staying most of the holiday at Lucius' place. He smiled in remembrance.

"_James, I want to ask you something." Lucius whispered._

_James turned and looked at him. He was still naked and still so bloody beautiful. James crawled closer and kissed his neck._

"_What." He asked._

"_I want you to come stay at the mansion for a while." Lucius said._

"_What? What about your father?" James asked, a bit confused._

_He thought it was some sort of joke. Lucius could have a weird sense of humour every now and then. But whatever. James still loved him._

"_I don't care about him. He can know," Lucius kissed James. "I would really like you to come."_

_James smiled at him._

"_I can do that. If you're sure you don't mind."_

"_Of course I don't mind," Lucius lifted an eyebrow. "I wouldn't ask you if I don't want you to. Do you think your parents'll allow you?"_

"_Oh, they don't have a problem with you or your father," James grinned. "So, when can I stay over?"_

"_Well, we're leaving the first weeks. But you can stay the third and fourth. And the last two, if you want." Lucius said._

_James' eyes grew._

"_Are you sure? That'd be like… four weeks together! Do you think you can handle that?" He winked._

_Lucius grinned._

"_I think I'll manage." He sighed._

_James pulled him down and kissed him softly. Four weeks of Lucius. That'd be heaven._

Only Sirius knew of course. But he didn't mind. He was planning on coming with James the first two weeks, and the fifth and sixth. He'd be spending the others with Remus. James was looking forward to spending time with Lucius. It would be really weird to see him in his natural environment. And to not have to stand up in the middle of the night so he wouldn't make Remus suspicious would do him good too. Two weeks. Only two more weeks. Two weeks. They'd be gone in no time.

"James," Sirius whispered. "James, wake up. Remus' sick. And all alone."

James lazily opened his eyes. Sirius was still resting under the blankets. They always slept together, head on different sides. James didn't mind sharing a bed with Sirius. They were best friends, why would he? But this he didn't get. Remus couldn't be sick because of the full moon. There wasn't an other one 'till next month. And as agreed James would come by then. Remus' parents were in France, he knew that too. But what was this about?

"What do you mean Sirius?" James asked, and yawned.

"Well," Sirius sat up straight. "At first he didn't want to tell me what was wrong, but I pushed and all, and now he just told me his sick. And the poor bastard is all alone." Sirius gave James a meaningful look.

James got it. They both knew that James' parents wouldn't be back for an other week. They too, had left for a distant country. That seemed to be really 'in' right now. Parents went on holidays, leaving their children. James' parents were coming back in 'bout a week, stay for two weeks, and then leave again. James had barely seen them as it was. He'd barely be able to say goodbye, before he left for Lucius' place. And when he'd be back, they would stay about three days, and leave again. They'd came back the weekend before Hogwarts started again.

"Oh fine, you sad git. Tell him to come here." James turned around again.

"But Jamesyyy," Sirius whined. He always whined to annoy James. "He can't! He's sick! Remember?"

"Then you bloody get him! And let me sleep!" Sirius made no attempt to move whatsoever. "Go on! Leave!" James yelled.

Sirius grinned.

"Thank you James, you're the best," he kissed James' cheek. "Floo powder's above the fireplace?"

James nodded. And of Sirius went. He smiled to himself. Poor Remus. He wouldn't know what came over him if Sirius'd pop out of the fireplace all a sudden.

"What took you so long?" James asked.

He had been waiting on the sofa in front of the fire for hours. Now Sirius came out happily, throwing Remus' bags on the floor, and pulling Remus out of the fireplace.

"The guy didn't want to leave. Can you believe that? He didn't want to!" Sirius pushed Remus on the sofa next to James and left to get tea.

Remus did indeed look sick. He was paler then ever and looked very sleepy.

"I didn't wanna be a burden." He murmured.

"Oh, Moony," James petted his arm. "You're never a burden."

Remus smiled a weak smile. Then Sirius came back with two cups. He gave one to James, and one to Remus. James grinned. His was filled with lemon tea. Remus' with hot chocolate. You could say a lot about Sirius, but not that he didn't knew his best friends.

"So, where will we put this irresistible young werewolf?" Sirius asked.

James smiled. Remus drank some hot chocolate. He was too tired to respond.

"You guys can have my bed. I'll find a mattress and sleep on the floor." James said.

"But…" Remus began feebly.

"No 'but' Remus. I'll be okay," he turned to Sirius. "Come on, let's take his stuff up."

Sirius grinned and kissed Remus' nose.

"We'll be right back Sweety."

James and Sirius each took a bag, and carried them upstairs. Then Sirius helped James move a mattress. As Sirius was about to go down and get Remus, he looked at James again.

"You know," he began. "Thanks for this. It means a lot to me. To be able to look after him."

James looked at him. He was leaning against the doorpost.

"It's okay Sirius. I don't mind. And I owe you. By the way, I get this. That you want to be close when he's sick. It's really okay." James smiled.

Sirius grinned, and went down. A little later, he came back into the room, supporting Remus, who looked even paler then before. James wondered what was wrong with him. Sirius helped him get into the bed, and he closed his eyes as soon as he sat down.

"Remus, what is exactly wrong with you?" James asked.

Remus kept his eyes closed.

"I don't know. I just have a fever. And a headache. And my stomach also hurts." He murmured.

Sirius smiled sadly.

"You poor boy. Is there something I can do to help?" He asked.

"No, I'm fine… I just don't feel so good." Remus pulled the blankets up a bit.

James looked at the two of them. They were so different. Remus was pale, and always looked a bit tired. He was very fragile and silent. Sirius was also pale, but was still darker then Remus. He was always excited, and very childish and foolish. He was strong and loud. But they were still very much in love. James could tell. Sirius sat down next to Remus, and James smiled. They'd be fine.

Days went by, but Remus didn't get better. At one point James woke up in the middle of the night. Both Remus and Sirius were gone. He found them in the bathroom, where Remus was throwing up in the toilet. He got paler and hotter everyday, and so did Sirius. Got paler that is. He was really worried, but Remus kept on saying that he'd been worse. James didn't know what to do. He was going to Lucius in two days. But poor Remus still looked like shit.

"We have to go to a doctor." James said to Sirius.

"And you have to go to Lucius in two days," Sirius pointed out. "Listen, we'll take him home again. I mean, we can stay there two nights, can't we? And you know he doesn't want to go to the doctor. But if he isn't better when you leave for Lucius' place, I promise I'll take him."

"But I can't leave you guys alone! I want to help or something." James protested.

"James," Sirius said. "You've been looking forward to this. We'll be okay. And I'll sent you letters."

James breathed in. Then he nodded. Sirius smiled and went inside the room.

"Remus," he whispered. "We're gonna bring you home. We'll stay with you, okay?"

Remus nodded weakly. Sirius placed a hand on his forehead, and hung his head.

"He's getting warmer again."

"I'm okay," Remus murmured. "You can bring me home."

Sirius looked doubtful at James. James just started packing Remus' things. If he wanted to go home, they should bring him there. Maybe it was even better for him to be home. Sirius got up and packed his things too. James had gathered his own clothes days ago. When they were done packing James took the bags and said: "I'll go first, with the bags. You help Remus."

Sirius nodded and helped Remus out of bed.

Remus' house was very cosy. James went up to Remus' room and placed the bags there. Remus' bed was already made, so he went into the kitchen to make tea and hot chocolate. When Remus and Sirius came back, he helped Sirius get Remus into bed, and gave him the hot chocolate. Remus thanked him, and fell asleep ten minutes later. That night Remus would wake up and throw up again. The next day wouldn't be better. And when James left for Lucius', he did so with pain in the heart, because Remus still wasn't any better. Sirius swore he'd take Remus to the doctor, whether he liked it or not. James still worried. He whished he could stay, and be with Lucius at the same time. But he forgot about all his worries as soon as he stood in front of Malfoy mansion.

James looked nervous at the door. A new set of worries arrived. What was he to do? Knock? That would be logic, but somehow, he chickened out. Lucien could open. And he didn't know what to say. Then all of a sudden, the door opened and revealed Lucius. He looked kind of surprised to see him.

"Finally! I opened this door about ten thousand times, and you were never here!" He looked at James, lifting his brows. "Why on earth did you keep me waiting so long?"

James just smiled.

"It was a sad goodbye," he lifted his shoulders. "Remus' really sick and I hate to leave him. He's so pale and all that."

Lucius said nothing and pulled James in. James was planning on looking around a bit, but before he was able to even blink, Lucius pushed him against the wall and kissed him softly.

"Hi." He whispered and looked into James' eyes.

"Hi yourself." James said.

Lucius wanted to say something, but a voice came calling to them: "Lucius! Lucius, where are you? Are you still waiting in the hall? Just give it up! He left you! Come back to the kitchen immediately."

Lucius rolled his eyes and whispered in James' ear: "my father. Don't mind him. He's just a sad, old, bastard." Then he stepped back, and yelled: "on the contrary father! He just arrived. We'll be putting his things upstairs if you need us." Lucius took James' bags and went up the stairs.

James looked around before following him. They were in a big hallway. There were lots of doors and two of them were open. The biggest one, led to the library, the smaller one, to the kitchen. James couldn't see Lucien, but he knew he had to be in there somewhere. There was a large set of stairs, and a landing, that led to more doors. When he followed Lucius, Lucien shouted: "no introducing?"

Lucius continued making his way upstairs.

"Introducing comes later father. Be patient." He said.

James smiled. He liked this already. And Lucius looked good too. Very cheery and happy. A bit more coloured then usual, but James could get used to that. And coloured skin or not, Lucius looked hot.

When they were walking on the landing, James looked around. The house was really big. He felt so _small_ in there. James was interested in some of the paintings. There were paintings everywhere. Of the Malfoy family of course. Lucius had to hang there too. But before James could try to find him, the real Lucius stopped and opened a door to their left. He stepped in, and James followed.

Lucius' room was one word: gigantic. Everything was so… airy. And green and silver-ish. With black too. There was a large window/door, opposite of the entrance, that led to a balcony. It stood open and the black curtains that hung in front of it fluttered a bit. There were no pictures or paintings on the walls, but there was a big night sky painted on the wall opposite to Lucius' bed. It was beautiful. The wall itself was black, and there were all sorts of night animals painted on it in silver. There was a moon, and stars, and plants, and so much more. James thought it was fascinating. The bed was made, and was covered with dark-green sheets, that had silver outlining. There also was a large desk and some bookcases. Lucius was a reader, so much was clear. And then there was an other door, that stood a bit ajar, and led to the bathroom. Lucius set James' bags down, and closed the door, while James was still staring at the night sky. Then he felt a hot, tickling breath in his neck, and Lucius kissed him under his jaw line. James smiled and turned around. He had missed Lucius. A lot. And he had thought of Lucius. (Needless to say: he had thought of Lucius a lot.) He lay his arms around Lucius' neck and pulled him closer, so their foreheads were touching. He needed that. The touching. So he was sure that this was real. Lucius' arms were resting on James' hips, and he tenderly caressed them. I believe that they _both_ needed it. The touching. Lucius guided James to the bed, and they sat down. There was an odd silence, and then James kissed Lucius, pushing him down softly. Lucius grinned and looked up at James, saying: "I thought you'd never do that."

James unbuttoned Lucius' shirt, kissing him over the length of his body.

"Well, I _am_ full of surprises." He winked and kissed Lucius' lips again.

"Yes you are." Lucius murmured.

James smiled and continued kissing his torso. When James lowered Lucius' jeans and kissed his groan, Lucius let out a quiet moan. James moved up again and Lucius cupped his face. He whispered: "I missed you."

James kissed Lucius' palm.

"I missed you too." Lucius took off James' sweater.

It didn't matter then. Not right there. It didn't matter. None of the crap. It didn't matter that James was supposed to be with Lilly. It didn't matter that, as James kissed Lucius' stomach he moaned loudly, and Lucien would probably be able to hear them. It just didn't. Two weeks were far to long for their fashion. And they had some catching up to do. As James straddled Lucius' hips, and kissed his neck, Lucius undid his slacks. Then he whispered: "you want this, right?"

James looked down at him.

"Like… really badly." He admitted.

Lucius grinned.

"Good to hear."

And then they, to put it in a very icky way, totally ravished each other. Still being fairly certain that Lucien could hear every moan. Every whisper. Every sigh. Every draw of breath. Not that they cared. It really didn't matter. And though he didn't hear it all, he could hear _some_ things as he passed his son's room. He paused for a second. And when he heard them both cry out in ecstasy, he was sure. This _had_ to be stopped.

When James woke up, the bed was empty. He covered himself in the blankets, and wondered where Lucius was.

"Lucius?" He asked.

"I'm on the balcony." Lucius' distant voice said.

James walked over to the door, the blankets stilled wrapped around him. He stepped out into the evening. It was darker outside, darker then it had been before. The balcony was big and old and lit by some candles, that were resting on the floor. He looked to his left, there was a swing there, holding Lucius. It was old, and made of white wood. Lucius was sitting on it, completely naked, with his eyes shut. James stepped a bit closer. Lucius didn't need to open his eyes to know James was there. He could just feel it.

"Come, sit with me." Lucius whispered.

James smiled and came closer. He didn't sit down immediately though, he was afraid the swing wouldn't be able to hold the weight.

"Are you sure it'll work?" James asked.

Talking about the swing, of course.

"It's held together with magic, it'll work." Lucius still didn't open his eyes, and James sat down.

There was a beautiful view. Apple trees, you know, in the orchard. Lots of grass. A moon. Stars. James liked it. Lucius took his arm, and pulled him against his chest, letting his hand rest on James' hip.

"Like the view?" He asked.

"Yes. It's magnificent." James kissed Lucius' shoulder.

"Good." Lucius murmured.

There was a soft breeze, and the distant smell of apples, coming from the orchard. James placed a bit of the blanket on Lucius' legs and kissed his cheek.

"Thank you." He whispered.

Lucius opened one eye and looked down at James. He had placed his head on Lucius' legs and was fumbling with the fabric that was resting on Lucius' knees.

"What for?" Lucius asked.

"For letting me stay here. With you." James mumbled.

Lucius smiled at him. James was staring at something in the distance, and didn't notice. Lucius stroked his cheek.

"I like you being here, James. I like you, being with me." Lucius said.

James smiled now, but continued staring though. He liked the late evening. It was getting darker with every passing second, though it couldn't be _that_ late. They heard an owl in the distance. The trees rustled in the wind. Lucius looked at the door. He was hungry, to be honest.

"Are you hungry?" He asked.

"Famished, actually." James said.

Lucius grinned.

"Well, we should fix that, then," he made attempts to get up. "Come on."

James sat up straight, and stretched. Then he followed Lucius, who was still naked. It was funny really. Lucius' body was a bit more coloured then before, but his ass was still as pale as ever. James actually found that it was a huge turn on. He followed his naked lover, who gave him a robe, so he didn't have to get dressed completely. Lucius too, putted on a robe, and looked at the clock. It was past ten, and his father hadn't even called for dinner. He was probably pissed. They'd be fine in the morning though. Lucius took James' hand, and they walked out of the room, and off the stairs. He led James to the kitchen, that was connected to the living room by a glass door.

"Okay, so…" Lucius opened a cupboard. "So… I'm not used to this," he opened an other one. James looked at him. "I never had to find food before," Lucius explained. "This is a first."

James smiled. He kissed Lucius' neck, and was about to whisper something, when he noticed the glass door. He got the shock of his life, and stepped back immediately. Lucien was standing in the doorway.

"Erm…" James mumbled. "Hi… sir."

Lucius turned around, a little confused. Then he noticed his dad.

"Oh, hi father. We were looking for food. This is James Potter." Lucius said, all cheery-ish.

Lucius' father nodded, and James offered him a hand. Lucien carefully studied the hand, and Lucius made a sort of 'go on, be nice, shake it' movement with his head. Lucien reluctantly took the hand and shook it.

"We had dinner at six Lucius. You should've been here." Lucien said, looking at his son.

"Sorry, we were sleeping." Lucius carefully pulled James back a little, as if he was afraid Lucien might hurt him.

"Sleeping? At six? Rubbish," Lucien was about to leave the kitchen. Before he did, he looked at James and Lucius again. "There're some leftovers in the fridge." He said.

"Thanks father. You're the greatest." Lucius gave him a warm smile, and Lucien decided to stay.

Why not meet his son's new fling. Why not hope it _is_ just a fling. Why not?

"So," Lucien began, sitting down. "Don't your parents mind you being here?"

"Of course not," James sat down too. "Why would they?"

Lucius gave Lucien a sort of warning look. He knew _why_ they could object to this. But if James didn't know, so much the better. Lucien did not need to inform him. It was the same reason why James and Lucius couldn't really be friends. Thank God they broke that rule.

"Oh," Lucien saw the look his son gave him. Knowing Lucius'd be furious, he wisely decided not to tell James a thing. "No reason."

Lucius looked at James, but James just smiled. No odd looks whatsoever. Lucius walked to the fridge and took out some cold chicken, salad, and bread. Plates and more. He sat down next to James, and looked at him as if he was waiting for a reward or something. James didn't say a thing. Lucien looked at them from the other side of the table.

"Is something wrong?" Lucius asked.

James looked at him.

"Why would something be wrong?" He asked.

Lucius just lifted his shoulders. He knew something was wrong. He just couldn't put his finger on it. He watched James eat in silence. Lucien watched Lucius watching James eating in silence.

"I know something is wrong," Lucius said all of a sudden. "I just don't know what is. I think you should tell me."

"Really," James began. "Nothing's wrong. I'm just thinking."

"About what then?" Lucius asked.

Lucien watched the two in silence.

"About nothing serious." James said, he turned to Lucius.

"Your face was pretty frowned for not thinking about serious things." Lucius held on.

James sighed, and bended over. He whispered something in Lucius' ear, and Lucien watched his son's eyes grow big. Then James simply continued eating.

"You…" Lucius began, still looking quite shocked.

James nodded. Then, all of a sudden, Lucius jumped out his chair, knocking it over, and jumped James, who let out a yelp as they both fell to the floor. Lucien got off his own chair, and walked around the table, to find the two boys snogging on the floor. He sighed deeply, and left the kitchen.

Breakfast went better. They even had a nice conversation. About trivial things, sure. But still. It had been a conversation. After breakfast, Lucien left for work. James didn't ask about Lucius' mother. He had heard terrible things about that. He didn't wanna upset, or piss Lucius off. They sat on the porch together, watching people pass. Lucius let his hand rest around James the whole time. They didn't speak. Just enjoyed the silence. Every now and then they kissed. And then they watched people again. They sometimes talked silently about all sorts of things, forgetting their words as soon as they were spoken. Life passed by quietly, without worries. And they sat and let it. Until Lucien came home. He seemed to be surprised when he heard they had been sitting there all day, but didn't give any comment. In the evening, they sat together, all three, in front of the fire. James had fallen asleep on Lucius' lap, who was reading. Lucien too, was reading a book, looking at his son every minute or so. When Lucien was sure James was really sleeping, he said: "do you like him?"

Lucius didn't look up.

"I _love_ him." He said.

He knew his father would be pissed. He knew this could cause trouble. But he couldn't lie. Not about James. Not about what they had.

Lucien didn't speak, but continued reading instead. James turned, and Lucius looked down at him. He was still breathtaking. Still amazing. He hadn't changed. And hopefully, Lucius would always be able to love him.

They went to bed not long after that. When Lucius had become to tired to read more, he had said goodnight, and had carried James upstairs. He had wrapped his arms around James when they lay together in the bed. James had whispered something incoherently in his sleep, and Lucius had kissed him softly. The wind carried the distant smell of apples in, through the open window. The almost half-full moon shone brightly in the ink black sky. Lucius had watched James, before he too, fell asleep.

When James woke up, Lucius was gone. He felt as if he'd been abandoned. Alone in the ugly morning. All alone and almost naked. He got out of bed, and checked the balcony. No Lucius there. When he walked down the stairs, he soon heard two voices coming to him.

"No! I will do no such thing!" That was Lucius' voice.

"You will do as I tell you!" Lucien yelled.

"Never!"

And before Lucien could say something more, Lucius stormed out of the kitchen.

When he saw James, he stopped immediately. James stared at him, a bit frightened.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

Lucius took his hand, and took him upstairs. James looked back down at the kitchen. Lucien was leaning against the doorpost, his arms crossed. He stared after them, until they were gone.

"Lucius?" James asked, when Lucius closed the door, and sat down on the bed.

"Nothing's wrong. We just had a stupid fight, as always. Nothing to worry about." He pulled James down next to him.

James nodded and fought the urge to ask him what the fight was about. He wasn't sure he even _wanted_ to know.

Time passed fast there. In Malfoy mansion. It's always like that. When we want things to last forever, they're gone in no time. It wasn't too long until James found himself on the white swing, all alone, a blanket draped around his naked body. He and Lucius had made love, and they had both fallen asleep in each other's arms. But James had awoken, and decided to come outside. He sat there, and enjoyed the night. There was a bright sky, and an almost full moon. Life past slowly during the night. And James loved that, because that way, it seemed as if he could stay there, just a little longer. Because time past slowly. When everything was quiet. The trees rustled in the wind. There was a soft breeze. It was really comforting. He had cried. He wasn't even ashamed to admit it. As long as Lucius didn't know. Because he himself had fought the tears for about half an hour. Until he couldn't handle it, and went outside. There he had cried for about an hour. Silent sobs coming over him, again and again. And for what? For knowing that tomorrow all of it would be over. He'd go back to Sirius. And Remus, probably. (Remus was okay, by the way. Doctor didn't say what caused the high fever, only told Sirius what would stop it.) And it'd be two weeks without Lucius. He'd have fun. Sure. But without Lucius. He couldn't stand that. It was pure agony. And in the end, it had made him cry.

'Poor me,' James thought. He was mocking himself. Now who'd he have that from? 'Poor, poor me. God. What are you? Crying over two stupid weeks. Jesus.'

He wiped the tears away, and pulled his knees to his chest.

'It'd be great to be in the orchard now,' he thought, to distract himself. 'Under the trees. With the wind. And…-'

"Hi." someone said

James looked at the door. Lucius was there, covered in a black blanket.

(Malfoy mansion. Hundred of rooms. Lots of bedrooms. In winter, every bed had 'bout seven of those black blankets. In summer there are only three on every bed. But it's still enough. Malfoy mansion. Lots of rooms. Lots of blankets.)

Life is so different there. Even time past differently. Life wavered there. Time was so… fast, that you could nearly catch it, just like that, with your bare hands. Even now. How long had Lucius been there? Or was he already gone?

"Why are you here?" Lucius asked.

James said nothing. He continued swinging, and then lifted his shoulders. His eyes had closed again and his tears had long dried. Lucius didn't even notice.

"Wont you come back in?"

Again, James just lifted his shoulders. He could hear Lucius sigh. Then silence. And then the swing made a cracking noise as Lucius sat down. He had slightly disturbed the balance, and it took a while before it returned to its usual, steady rhythm.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing." James' voice was a tinny bit messed up from crying.

He got a red blush with embarrassment.

('Nice one James. Jesus. How he stays with you, I don't know.')

James mentally slapped himself. Lucius, again, didn't seem to notice.

"Then let's do something."

To James' surprise, he sounded quite chipper. James opened one eye suspiciously. Lucius was looking very… something-ish. And was that a bit of mischief-ness, just there, in his eyes?

"What?" James asked.

"Oh, just come on."

Before James could protest, Lucius got up and pulled James off the swing as well. They went back inside, and Lucius took some blankets out of the dresser. Then down the stairs they went, into the garden, heading for the orchard. To be honest, James was a bit chilly. And everything was so dark. But it didn't matter. Lucius put down a blanket on the grass. They were surrounded by trees and everything smelled like apples. Lucius lay down.

"Come." He whispered.

James lay down next to him, and he put a protective arm around James' hip. They looked up to the moon and stars, and James couldn't help but smile. He might've been crying only ten minutes ago, but now, it just _didn't_ matter. Sometimes it was better not to think of the future. And then James looked at Lucius' eyes, the moon being reflected in them, he wondered if maybe, maybe Lucius could read his mind. He had wanted to do this (being outside, at night, in the orchard) for ages. He had never said it though. Dunno why. He just hadn't.

"You're just so damn beautiful." James whispered, barely loud enough for Lucius to hear him.

His soft voice carried on with the wind, and Lucius smiled. Words were worthless here. What could he have said to James? Well, he covered James with one of the other blankets. He said James was more wonderful then the moon and stars. Softly caressed his skin. Held his hands and kissed his fingers. Said he was softer then the softest flower. Kissed James' neck, and whispered that the beauty of a rose was nothing compared to James' beauty. Compared him with the wonders of the world. And after that, they made love under the stars. James still being covered with the most silly, yet most flattering compliments ever imagined.

After, Lucius stroked James' thigh. He collected little drops of sweat and dragged them all around James' leg, so the little pool of sweatiness became bigger. James just lay there, mouth a bit opened, still amazed by the proximity and hotness and magic of their encounters. (Mark 'encounters' as in multiple, more then one.) James was panting heavily. Lucius smiled, not minding, his own breathing was strong too. He was still trailing sweat, bringing it to James' tanned tummy. James' hair was as messy as ever, and Lucius pushed it behind his ear, so he could see James' face. James was looking up, one of his arms tucked behind his neck. Lucius wanted to say something. But he didn't know what he could say. Everything would sound so trite and stupid. And he couldn't start to compare James to the wonders of the world again. He'd already done that. Words ran through his head, bumping into each other as they passed. But nothing, nothing was good enough. James was simply the most wonderful being ever to walk the face of the earth. Nothing would suffice. Never would Lucius be able to describe just how much he loved James. It made him wanna weep like a baby.

In any other case, James would've started laughing. He had to admit, he was horrible. He always laughed at the worst possible moment. Which of course, was bad. When everyone was quiet and the whole room was full of serious tension, James would defiantly start laughing. Now that he was here, with Lucius, and nothing existed but them, and the trees, and the smell of apples, and the wind. He would've started laughing. The laughing was part of his immaturity. But with Lucius, he felt no need what so ever to laugh. He laughed when he was nervous, but with Lucius, he wasn't. He mostly laughed for all the wrong reasons. With Lucius, there were no wrong reasons. And no urge to make the world safe. Because honestly, with serious tension, and quietness, he felt unsafe. This world, the world he and Lucius shared, wasn't unsafe. Not now. Not here, under the trees, with the smell of apples, and the wind. Here, James felt really at home.

Lucius let his hand slip over James'. James looked at him, his eyes were shining.

"Hey." James whispered.

Lucius turned to him, also smiling.

"Hi."

James took Lucius' hand, and put it on his stomach.

"Stay with me forever." He whispered.

Lucius remembered things. The letter he wrote so many days ago. The fight with his father. Complications in his future plans. The threats his father had repeated about a thousand times. All the things his father ever said ran through his head. But he knew he had to say something, otherwise James would worry. He couldn't have that. And he loved James. He promised himself, right there and then, that he would stay with James, for as long as he could.

"Of course." Lucius kissed him softly, and they fell asleep.

There in the grass. Surrounded by trees. Smell of apples all around. A soft moon caressing their skin. All in all, a perfect night, to end a perfect vacation, if you will.

"'…which is great.' I said. She flipped. And I made a run for it." Sirius ended.

There was an outburst of laughter, and Peter looked sort of confused. He never got any of Sirius' stories.

(All four of the Marauders. Sleepover at James' place. Parents went to sleep hours ago, have to get up early, 'cause they were going to France in the morning. Door is locked and has a silence charm on it. Lots of candy. Lots of butterbeer. Lots of secrets being spilled. James' tongue getting looser. Sirius trying to shut James up by telling one weird story after an other.)

Sirius opened another bottle of butterbeer and James stuffed some more candy in his mouth. Remus was placed with his head in Sirius' lap. Peter was still trying to get the story.

"You know guys, I have to tell you something," James began. Sirius gave him a nervous glance. "I'm ga-" James began.

Sirius, always quite the hero, stuffed some candy in James' mouth, and he was off again. Telling nonsensical stories, in hope to keep James secret a secret.

And time passed by. And they did stuff. James helped Sirius with his motorcycle, which he had been working on for ages. When 'the Black bitch' would be done, she'd be great. Sirius told James she'd be able to fly. James didn't take it, but they had fun anyways. And James wanted to be with Lucius. And he packed his bags again. And Sirius offered to drop James off. And James asked how? And Sirius revealed a fully finished Black bitch. James was shocked, and Sirius admitted that she had been finished for a couple of days. He had already taken Remus (who was afraid of heights, and had cling himself to Sirius through their ride) for a drive. And 'yes James, she does fly'. So Sirius took James for a ride. And he was in Malfoy mansion again. Without realising it, time had gone by. And all James could think of was: 'that's really handy.'

"Hi," Lucius looked like an anxious puppy-dog. Well, didn't _look_ like. Acted like one. Would he have had a tail, it'd be wiggling like mad. It seemed as if no time had passed in Malfoy mansion. It looked exactly the same. And Lucius, if possible, looked even hotter then before. "My dad isn't here," he said, and dragged James in. "Work or something. Gone for two days," he took James into the kitchen, and James sat down. "Wont be back 'till Wednesday night." He finished.

James said nothing and just smiled. God he had missed the other man. He let Lucius look for tea and cups and let him rant about his father always moving things and not knowing where the bloody house-elf was. When Lucius gave him tea at last, and wanted to turn around and get some for himself, James took his arm. Lucius looked at him, a worried look on his face.

"Something wrong?"

"I've missed you." James whispered.

Lucius grinned.

"I've missed you too Love." He said, and took James hand.

They sat on the sofa, and just talked for a while. Amazing how just talking can become so _great_ when you're talking to the one you love. And plain, ordinary jokes can be so _funny_, coming from your boyfriend. And little peck kisses can be so _amazing_ if your lover is giving them to you. It made James all happy and tingly inside. He had a good feeling about these couple of weeks. Oh, but never rely on feelings though. Feelings can be wrong.

"Had a good night sleep?" Lucius whispered.

They were in bed. It's Tuesday morning. Lucius had made some funny faces, they had made love, and fell asleep. And now they were both awake, but James still looked a bit sleepy. He lay on his stomach, head on the pillow, blankets by his ankles. All clothes had been disposed of as soon as they had entered the room, so they now lay forgotten on the floor. James' head was on his arms and Lucius let his finger glide playfully over James' buttocks. Lucius was on his side, still caressing James' body. The sheets were a bit damp, and their bodies were graced with little droplets of sweat. James sat up a bit, supporting on his elbows.

"Yes, very good actually." James lay back down, yawning a bit.

"I always sleep better with you next to me." Lucius said, a voice, barely above a whisper.

James smiled and gave him a soft, little kiss.

"Yah, I sleep better with you too." He said.

Lucius grinned. He came closer until he was right next to James, rubbing James' thigh with his foot. James reached out an arm and touched Lucius' cheek. The latter closed his eyes, and then… someone knocked. James stopped stroking, and Lucius opened his eyes immediately. (Lucius was a bit shocked. Who in his right mind would have the nerve to disturb a blissful moment like this? God, if he'd ever get the wanker alone, he'd hit him. That is, presuming that whoever knocked, was a he. But whatever.) James looked at him, totally terrified. The blonde sat up straight and looked at the door. James pulled up the blankets. And they waited. There was an other knock.

"Lucius!"

James' eyes grew bigger. It was Lucien. Lucius just looked confused.

"Father?" He asked. "Aren't you supposed to be working?"

James took Lucius' hand, and gave it a little squeeze. And just to be sure, he also pulled the blanket up even higher. He was afraid Lucien was able to see through doors. I mean, you never know, right?

"Of course not!" Lucien yelled, sounding outraged. Lucius gave James a confused look. "Come out of your bed, this instant, we're going to the jeweller! Did you forget?"

James looked back at Lucius, frowning. Jeweller? What did Lucius need a jeweller for? Lucius avoided his gaze, and yelled: "dad! That's in three weeks! When I'm back at school! The first weekend!"

James was still looking at Lucius. Why was Lucius avoiding his gaze? Why wouldn't he just look at him? What the hell was going on?

"No! I told you about changing the date!" James couldn't help noticing a change in Lucien's voice.

He sounded… malicious. Sneaky even.

"You didn't!" Lucius yelled. "And, I can't now!"

"Oh, come on," they heard an other voice say. James realised with shock that it was Narcissa. "What's wrong with going now?"

"Lucius, what is _she_ doing here?" James whispered, a bit aghast.

Lucius just squeezed his hand. He could not tell him. Jesus. He was sure his father was doing this on purpose. Ruining their two weeks like this. The bastard.

"Father, you very well know I can't now!"

"Oh, do I?" He asked, sounding fake surprised.

"Come on Lucius," Narcissa whined. "Do me a favour."

"Why would I?" Lucius yelled, knowing the answer.

Before Narcissa could say something though, Lucien said: "you come out of there, right now!"

"Never!" Lucius shouted.

James was awfully confused. He didn't get any of it. What was Narcissa doing here? Why were they going to the jeweller?

"Fine! I'm coming in!" And without an other word, Lucien came in.

Well, at least he had the decency to close the door behind him. Lucien looked at James and Lucius, and started grinning. James felt quite uncomfortable. And then Lucius. He hadn't even pulled up the blankets. Even _if_ Lucien hadn't even had the faintest idea what they were both doing in bed, he would get it. I mean, Lucius being completely naked wasn't really what you call a small hint, now was it?

"Right. I see. _You_'re back." He said, nodding at James, giving him an very unwell-come feeling.

James felt strangely naked, and he still didn't get it.

"Lucius," he whispered. "Why are you going to the jeweller?"

Lucien looked at them. He was planning on stopping whatever was going on, so before Lucius could answer, he said, in a taunting voice: "you mean you didn't tell him Lucius?"

"Father, please…" Lucius began.

"He didn't actually," James interrupted. "Why don't you tell me now?"

James looked at him. Lucius was starring at Lucien.

"Well, why don't I just tell you?" Lucien said, in a sugar sweet voice.

James looked at him, Lucius wanted to say something. Anything, to stop Lucien from talking, but James said: "Lucius, shush."

"Well Darling," Lucien's voice was still taunting. Lucius felt like yelling at him. Calling _his_ James 'Darling'. How dare he. "Lucius is actually engaged. As in, getting married, next summer. To Narcissa."

But still. Maybe he shouldn't? Oh. Fine. Like it then. Pff. But really… doesn't he even think about the pain for one second? Because the desk can't be good for his health. Honestly. Okay. It's new. But really? And maybe it's even a bit kinky. But this is not… something. The other's jealous. No trust. Not really. Not right now. Is that what you want? How can you? Like it that is. With your stomach pushed against the desk. And he loves it. The other above him. Out of pure jealousy. And he loves it.

And that was it. The end of the world. James' ears were ringing. He wasn't able to breath. His heart was failing on him. He exhaled. Failed to inhale. Rooms were spinning. He felt nauseous. All he wanted was for Lucius to say it wasn't true. But Lucius said nothing, he just stared at the blankets. Why wouldn't he tell James is was a lie? Why wouldn't he yell and call Lucien a liar? Why not? And then something snapped. It hit James, hard in the stomach. Lucius didn't say it wasn't true, because it _was_ true. He was engaged to Narcissa. His brain wasn't getting any air. He exhaled. Failed to inhale. Longs collapsing.

'Breathe James. Breathe,' Nothing. 'Inhale,' Nothing. 'Exhale,' Nothing. 'Get out.' Now that was an order he _could_ obey. Still struggling for breath, James got up, the blankets draped around his body, and started looking for his clothes.

'Inhale,' it was working. A bit. 'Exhale,' working. A bit. 'Breathe.'

Which wasn't easy with the damn room spinning. Weird how breathing seemed to be so _unimportant_. And he whished the damn room would just keep still.

'Inhale. Now that's better. Exhale. Breathe.'

He got his ability to think back. He didn't need to be there. He had enough, and took his clothes. Lucius got out of bed, and tried to take James' hand. But, something had changed. So far, all James had felt was hurt. Betrayal. That sort of thing. Anger was starting to take over now.

(How dare Lucius! Making it hard to breathe! How dare he! Letting the room spin like that! How dare he! Being engaged! How dare he!)

"Let me go! You useless wanker!" He yelled.

(His ability to breathe was back too. And he'd use it well.)

Lucius pulled back his hand immediately, as if he was touched by fire. He had never seen such anger in James. Not like this.

James pulled on his boxer and jeans, decided it would take to long to search for his shirt, and started walking to the door.

"James! Wait!" Lucius yelled.

Lucius wrapped himself in the blankets, deciding, finally, that doing _something _was better then doing _nothing_. James opened the door. Narcissa was on the hallway, looking bored. She looked up when the door opened, and it seemed as if she wanted to say something. James turned right and continued walking. He heard Lucius close behind him, but didn't turn. He started running.

"James! Wait! Please don't go!" Lucius yelled, running after him.

Lucien followed both of them.

"Don't go?" James shouted, still running, heading for the door. "You're bloody engaged! What the hell is your fucking problem!"

James reached the front-door, and threw it open, wanting nothing more then to leave. He stopped as soon as he reached the driveway. Now what? Knights bus was probably his best shot. He was about to reach for his wand when Lucius whirled him around, with that amazing strength of him. He held James tight and looked him in the eye, but James tried to get out of Lucius' arms. From the corner of his eye he could see Lucien and Narcissa standing in the doorway.

"James please don't go. I'm so sorry." He said.

"What for exactly?" James said very hotly. "Sorry because now you can't use me as your plaything anymore? Sorry 'cause you wasted all that time on me?"

"James please," Lucius didn't know what to say. How could he explain? "I lo…"

"Oh shut up!" James ranted. "How dare you say you love me! You're engaged! You bloody bastard! You're just an ignorant, self-censored, pigheaded, malicious prick!"

Lucius took James' head and kissed him. Hard. Forcing. But James pushed him away, with a great power he didn't even knew he possessed.

"Don't ever," he poked Lucius' chest. "Do that again!"

His voice was so timid and calm, that it was actually scary. And James started walking again. He decided to cool off before he took the knights bus. And to go to Remus' house. His parents weren't at home, and he knew he'd find Sirius at Remus' place anyway. Lucius followed him.

"James, plea…"

"Fuck off!" James yelled.

Then nothing. James was a bit surprised. He had at least though Lucius would fight it.

'An other prove he doesn't love you.'

"Father! Back off!" He heard Lucius yell.

When he turned his head a bit, he saw Lucien dragging Lucius back to the house. Pulling his arm and that stuff. Lucius had some trouble with keeping the blanket around his naked body. (He wasn't dressed whatsoever.) No matter how hard Lucius pulled, Lucien was stronger, and dragged him back to the front-door.

"JAMES!" Lucius yelled. James swallowed hard. "READ THE RING!"

James stopped walking. He could still see Lucius struggling. Narcissa looked sort of smug. Happy even. Probably can't wait to get that shinny engagement ring around her finger.

'Read the ring?' James thought. 'What the hell does that mean?'

He saw the front-door closing and continued walking.

('Serves him right, being dragged away like that. You don't need to help him. He's a bloody bastard. You don't owe him anything.')

It was not 'till he had been walking for ten minutes that the anger faded. Being replaced by pain. And lot's of it. Before he realised it, he was sitting on the sidewalk, knees up to his bare chest, crying like a baby. People stopped to watch every now and then. He must be really something. Just sitting there, crying. Not even wearing a shirt. An old man stopped and said: "here you go lad." Pressing one of those weird, coloured pieces of paper in James' hand. You know, one of those that has the queen on it. James was too bedazzled to thank the old man. It _did_ give him some time to straighten up. He couldn't sit there for ever. He had to find an alley. Had to get to Remus' place. He couldn't go home, his parents weren't there. And what was the use of being alone? He needed Sirius. Sirius would help him. Sirius _always_ helped him. And he'd know what to do. He and Remus had been through plenty of fights. Then again, Remus nor Sirius were engaged. To a _woman_. He got up, tears still in his eyes.

'Okay. An alley. You can to that James,' inhale. Exhale. 'And breathe.'

Luckily, he didn't need to walk all to long. He found a creepy, deserted alley soon enough. Stuck out his wand hand. And up the knight bus he went. There weren't that much people. Most wizards were working at this hour, so it wasn't too long until he was knocking on Remus' front-door. And the door opened within seconds. Remus. In pyjama trousers. Looking sleepy.

"James?" He said groggily. "What are you doing here? Come in."

(Remus didn't know about him staying with Lucius. He hadn't really given it any thought. All he knew was that James was standing on his doorstep. And that he had been crying. And wasn't wearing a shirt.)

James went inside and waited for Remus to close the door again. Remus lead him to the living-room. James sat down, and then he heard someone coming down the stairs. James thought he might know who it was.

"Remmi! Where have you gone? I was waiting!" Who else but Sirius?

Sirius stormed in the living-room, nearly jumping Remus, but then he noticed James, and his mood changed completely.

"James!" He ducked and held James immediately. "What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be playing an I'm-so-happy-I-could-pee person?"

James sobbed onto Sirius' shoulder. Sirius hold his shaking form, and Remus went upstairs to fetch him a sweater.

"James, what happened? Tell me." Sirius whispered.

James lifted his head a bit, staring up at Sirius' blue eyes. They reminded him of Lucius'.

"He's…" James began, sobbing loudly. "Engaged." And he collapsed again.

Sirius held him tight, and Remus came back with the sweater. It took exactly five minutes for James to forget his own pain and feel rude.

"Oh God," he sobbed. "I'm so sorry," he started getting up. Remus and Sirius looked a bit frightened. "I should go."

"Oh no!" Remus pulled James back onto the couch. "You're staying here James. Your parents are on vacation, and we can't have you being depressed and all alone. You have to stay," James tried to protest, but Remus interrupted. "I will not take no for an answer! Now, come on. Sleep will do you good."

And so they helped James get up, and into Remus' bed, after Remus had changed the sheets. James still tried to protest, but Remus would have none of it. And Remus went and made tea. And Sirius whispered soothing words. But the tea didn't help. The soothing words made him weep. And life just sees to exist. James was absolute _trash_. He left Remus' bed soon, not wanting Remus and Sirius to sleep on the floor. Remus insisted that they could all three fit in his bed, but James said he'd sleep on the floor. He stayed up all night. He couldn't help feeling so _jealous_. Remus and Sirius were so _happy_. Sleeping in each other's arms. And God, he wanted to blame them! Luckily he didn't. But at night he could be so furious! He wanted to yell, but didn't. James was just not himself. His friends said he should come down, take some fresh air. When he went down he stayed in the sofa all day. Outside he just sat there. It was no use. Nothing cheered him up. And he wouldn't eat. And barely talked. He had told Sirius about what happened. Once. He didn't want to think about it. He preferred to just sit. And do nothing. Remus was really worried. But didn't ask. And James decided to tell him. Soon. He didn't take off Lucius' ring. He should've really, if he had any self-respect. But he just couldn't. It was part of him. He didn't take it off, but studied it every now and then. 'Read the ring.' But there was nothing there. Just some sick joke. Didn't make James feel better. All he did was throw up, not eat, and look paler every day. It was hell.

But no doubt that the worst thing was the first lessons back at school. He had made sure he looked as if he _hadn't_ missed any sleep. Made sure he _didn't_ go to the great hall. He wasn't hungry anyway. He promised himself he'd be on time for the first lesson. He stayed with Remus and Sirius, but then Dumbledore wanted to talk to him, and by the time he was done giving a speech about something James hardly understood, lessons had been going for ten minutes. So he ran, to the dungeons. Potions with the Slitherins. With Lucius. And Slughorn. Slughorn was always so _caring_. Even when it came to Gryffindors. He'd ask questions. And James would _have_ to answer them. He knocked.

'Inhale. Exhale. Breathe.'

"Come in."

James opened the door. He restrained the urge to look for Lucius, but starred at professor Slughorn instead.

"I'm sorry professor, but the headmaster wanted to talk to me." James said.

Good. His voice sounded quite normal.

"That's okay mister Potter," Slughorn sounded so _cheery_.

'Jesus,' James thought. 'Why is everyone so _happy_.'

"The headmaster told me he would talk to you about your… appearance." Slug-horn continued.

'Oh, so that was what he was rambling about.'

"Do I look so bad then?" James mocked.

'Jesus! Don't mock. That's _his_ thing.'

Some girls swooned with admiration. That meant he was still likeable. If they still swooned for him.

"No, it's not that," professor Slughorn smiled. "But your mother sent a letter."

"Oh." Was all James could say.

"Yes. If we wanted to look after you. Apparently you haven't been so well. Not eating. Being pale. And throwing up. Even though the doctors can't seem to find a illness matching your symptoms."

'Jesus. This is so embarrassing. Now he_ definitely_ knows you care.'

"Well. Maybe I'm just not sick." James shrugged his shoulders.

"That's what I said," Slughorn laughed. "But then why don't you eat? Why do you throw up? Why do you look pale?"

"Well maybe," James looked at Sirius. He could get himself out of this. He just knew it. Laugh it away or something. "Maybe I do eat. But only like… at night. And that's why I throw up. 'Cause my stomach can't handle that. And I look pale because I spent a whole night eating and throwing up afterwards. Maybe that's it." James shrugged his shoulders.

"Well, is that it?" Professor Slughorn gave him a piercing look.

He and Dumbledore could be so alike sometimes.

"No," James said honestly. "But I think it's my own business why I don't eat, why I throw up, and why I look pale."

"Yes, indeed. But your mother is very worried. Maybe you _should_ tell her mister Potter." Slughorn said, still looking rather forcing.

"It has _nothing_ to do with her. Now please sir, can I sit down?"

"Of course, now let me see, you can sit with…"

'Oh God! I knew I should've been on time!' James freaked. He was going to give James a partner. And by the look of Sirius and Snivellus, all teams were Gryffindor and Slithering. 'Fuck! Please not Lu…'

"Mister Malfoy."

'Shit! Shit! Shit!' James looked up, managing to stay rather cool.

Sirius gave him a worrying look, but James granted him with a teeny tinny smile. Better then nothing. James calmly went over to the other side of the dungeon. He didn't look at Lucius and just sat down. As Slughorn explained the working of the potion, and how to make it, James pretended to pay attention. Honestly, all he did was stare at the blackboard. Nothing more. Oh, and he caught every third word of what Slughorn said. That should be enough to be able to make the potion. Lucius tried to say something every now and then, but James shushed him every time. Anyway, he had a reason to shush him. At least _one_ of them should be able to prepare the potion. And James would definitely fail. And then Slughorn said they could start. Now they _had_ to talk.

"I'll chop the beetle-eyes." James said.

Chopping had _always_ been his favourite thing about potions. It releases so much tension.

"James, please…" Lucius whispered.

"What? You wanna chop them? Fine, here." James pushed them to Lucius' half of the table, but Lucius took his hand.

It was such a familiar feeling. Like an electric shock. It made all the hairs on James' back rise. But, all at the same time, James hated how Lucius' hand lingered on his own. It made him want to kiss him. Want to forgive him. Tell him how he loved Lucius, over and over again.

('James, breathe. Inhale. Exhale.')

Luckily he managed to restrain himself.

"No, you can chop them. I know how you like that." Lucius said.

Lucius _did_ know how James liked that. They talked a lot at first. About every-thing. Even their favourite occupations during potions. James couldn't help noticing how _cold_ his hand felt now that Lucius had released it.

"Do you now?" Said James bitterly, chopping them nonetheless.

"I do."

James said nothing.

('Breathe James. Restrain the urge to touch him. Inhale. Exhale.')

Slughorn did his round.

"We have to talk." Lucius whispered.

Slughorn stopped by the table next to theirs.

"Oh. By all means. _Do_ talk." James said, sarcastically.

James knew Slughorn was listening. That would be something typical Slughorn. He'd probably listen until he found a reason for James to be sick and that crap. Even though he looked a bit doubting. As if he wasn't sure Lucius was the real reason. James whished he could tell him to bugger off.

"Don't be this way James." Lucius hissed.

He too knew that Slughorn was eavesdropping.

"What way?" James said all sweet-like.

('Breathe. Don't let him know you care. Inhale. Exhale.')

"The way where you just end this." Lucius said.

A few people where watching them. The conversation had gotten _a bit_ louder.

"I'm afraid I'll have to correct you there," James said. "I'm not the one who's ending it. You _are_ engaged, remember?" James pointed out, still chopping fiercely. "I mean, you were oh, so nice to inform me about that this summer, I'm sure you yourself can't 've forgotten it so soon. Or do you have some problems with long-term-memory?"

James could see all the pupils, who were listening that is, thinking: 'what the hell are they fighting about?' And: 'why the hell would Potter have a problem with his arch nemesis getting married?' And: 'why the hell would Potter's arch nemesis care about Potter being pissed.'

Lucius said nothing, and made some notes.

"Done chopping?" Was the first thing he said.

"Yep."

James added the chopped beetle-eyes, and the potion turned blue. Well, you could say a lot of things about Lucius, but _not_ that he sucked at potions.

When James left the classroom Lucius slipped him a note. James read it, walked to the nearest bathroom and threw up. Not because of the note. Just because Lucius was now something he _could not_ have. And _that_ made him sick.

Hogwarts was miserable. Well, at least, that was what James had decided. After the first two weeks, he had managed to put on a bit happier face. He and Lilly were doing okay. Life carried on. But life still sucked. James had to leave classes sometimes, just like that. It was hell. Having to throw up, just because he _could not_ have Lucius. And weeks passed, and life carried on. And Narcissa walked around, showing her ring to everyone who bothered to look. But she wasn't seen with Lucius that often. When she was, she'd make sure to kiss him when everyone could see. It was enough for James to lock himself up in the bathroom for an hour. He knew he couldn't go on like this. This was no life. But Lucius wasn't making it easy either. Wanting to talk to him. Giving notes. Inquisitively notes. And James had always known they'd have problems. It was only normal. If they ever wanted to go public they'd have problems. But James had never ever though that they would _never_ go public. He had always been convinced that one day, he'd be able to hold Lucius in a crowded room. Well, talking about bursting your bubble.

After a while, Sirius started hitting Lucius. He had been quite good at controlling himself at first. But every time Lucius made any attempt to talk to James, Sirius hit him. Hard. At first Sirius apologised to James. Saying he hadn't mean to, but that it just happened. James said nothing. Sirius had told him he'd hit Lucius, if he hurt James. James was just surprised it took Sirius a week to give the first punch. And the really weird thing was, that it didn't stop Lucius. He took hit after hit. Blow after blow. He was seen with a lot of bruises. But didn't tell the professors. He just kept on trying. And James really wished he didn't. It hurt even more to see him, with a black eye and stuff like that. But Lucius never hit back. He just let Sirius hit him, and drag James away, though he'd always protest when the dragging thing occurred. But there is only so much a man can do when you've just been kicked really hard in the stomach. Remus and Peter were really confused, and Remus was concerned. And James promised he'd tell him. Soon. When hell had became a bit more earth like. When things got a bit better. And it didn't look like that would happen any time soon.

But life went on. It did. Without any sudden stops. And after a month, James woke up one day without a start. Without bad dreams. Without having to vomit. He ate that morning. The first real meal in about six months. And he told him to toughen up. Professor Slughorn had allowed him to use the dungeons today. So, he'd be making one of the missed potions on a Saturday. Not the best way to spend your weekend, but it had to be done. He had missed two lessons because of his 'absentee'. (Absentee being professor Dumbledore insisting that he'd have himself checked up in the nursery.) He'd make one of the potions today. Find professor Slughorn, give it to him, and go to the library or something. He decided to spend the rest of the day with Peter. Remus and Sirius would be indulging in serious snogging activities, and that was _not_ something James had to see.

"Okay," James said aloud. "Now a bit of this." He added a bit from the purple vial. "And it should be… crimson?" James looked a bit confused at his liquid. It was all wrong. His was crimson. It shouldn't be crimson _yet_. It should be green. That was not even _close_ to crimson. "Right," James huffed, removing his potion with one quick swoop of his wand. "Again."

And he started over. He was about to turn his potion green, ('oh God, please make it green, oh please. No more crimson. I don't even _like_ crimson.') when someone grabbed his sides. He jumped in shock and the purple vial slipped from his hand. The glass connected with the ground, and broke into a hundred pieces. The contents were spilled all over the floor. James ducked, forgetting _why_ he had dropped the vial. That was, until someone next to him ducked too, to help him clean up the mess. Lucius.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you like that." He said, taking bits of glass.

"No problem." James managed to say.

He wanted to yell. Scream. Tell him to go. But he couldn't run for ever. He couldn't keep on hopping Lucius would give up. And no, that was not only because he secretly _didn't want_ Lucius to give up.

('Breathe. Just breathe.')

"We need to talk James." Lucius said.

"Talk."

James took the fragments of glass and put them on a pile.

"I _am_ really sorry about not telling you. I never saw you as my plaything. You must know. And I don't feel like the time I spend with you is wasted James. I _love_ you. There's I reason why I'm going to marry her," James got some unwanted tears in his eyes. He didn't need to know. He didn't _want_ to know. How Lucius 'loved' him. But how he'd marry Narcissa nevertheless. "Not because I want to, but because my father's making me. He doesn't want me to be with you. He wants grandchildren. Preferably blonde ones. With blue eyes. That's why he's making me marry her. And James, I wish I could take you away from here. I wish I could make you feel better. But I can't." James swallowed hard. "Me and my father, we had a fight about it, while you were staying over. I told him I would never marry her. When you left, he told me he would kill me if I didn't." James looked at Lucius.

Upset. Not being careful. He cut himself with the glass.

"Oh, God…" James looked at his hand, but Lucius took it instead.

The blood was streaming all over his hand, and James took off the gold ring, so it wouldn't have blood on it as well. The cut wasn't that big, but it bled a lot. Lucius got out a clean handkerchief, and bound it around James' hand.

"I only love you James, I swear. I will always, _only_ love and want you." James looked up into his eyes.

He could see Lucius was speaking the truth. But, oh God. This couldn't be. For a second, he wished Lucius _wouldn't_ love him. He continued collecting fragments of glass with his free hand. Lucius was still holding the other one. Softly caressing it. It made James feel all tingly.

"I want to hate you," James whispered. "I just can't. You know, I _could_ like any-one else. I could be perfectly happy and in love. I could want anyone else," he seemed to be thinking. He could do this. He could tell Lucius to go fuck himself, and be unhappy for the rest of his life. Or… "But then… there is _one_ problem." James murmured, still taking bits of glass from the ground.

Lucius was still looking at him, eyes full of hope.

"What's that?" He asked, in a silent voice.

"I kinda… only want you." James whispered.

He looked up. Lucius was grinning widely, and kissed him, full on the lips. James remember when he had told Lucius never to kiss him again. He wanted to yell. Be brave. Be all Gryffindor-ish. But he couldn't. He wanted Lucius. And _couldn't_ have him. It was just so wrong. They couldn't be doing this. But still, they did. Lucius softly pushed him to the floor and continued kissing him. He stroke James' hurt hand with his cheek. Oh God. If anything, it was making James go mad.

"Lucius, we can't…" James began.

Lucius looked at him. Kissed his fingers.

"Why not?" He asked.

"You're marrying Narcissa."

"Not yet," Lucius bend over. His long hair brushed passed James chest. James could feel it through his clothing. A whisper by his ear: "and I don't want to. I want to be with you."

"We can't be together for ever." James whispered.

Lucius took his hand again.

"So we can be together, for evermore." He said.

James looked confused.

"What?" He asked.

He had his I-don't-get-shit-of-what-you're-saying look on, and it made Lucius chuckle a bit. But all James could think about was, how they _couldn't_ be together for evermore. Lucius took the gold ring, and lay it in James' good hand. The metal felt cool.

"I told you to…" began Lucius.

"Yah, read the ring. I know, there's nothing here." James said, shaking with desire.

They'd been away to long. A month and two weeks _and_ one day. Far too long. Lucius took James hand and held the ring up a bit. He pointed at a little… was that a crack? on the inside of the ring. James looked at it more carefully. No. It wasn't a crack.

'So we can be together for evermore.' It said.

And, foolish James, all he could do was be so _happy_. So what if he'd get married. That wouldn't be for an other nine months. Things could happen during those nine months. A lot of things! James pulled Lucius down and kissed him. Maybe they _wouldn't_ live happy ever after. Maybe they _wouldn't_ make a happy family. But Christ, they could be together now! And they _could_ be together forever! In there hearts, right? Yah, right!

Lucius kissed James' palm and James got shivers all over. Oh, how he had _missed_ Lucius. And how he wanted for Lucius to _really_ love him. Not just pretend to. There were no words able to explain. And all the little touches, after a month, two weeks and one day, they felt so quite _new_. Like it was the first time Lucius' hand ran the course of James' body. Lips on skin all so different from how it was before. Whispers sounding so surreal. Love more touching then it had ever been. And sleep. Sleep, better then it had been for a while.

James awoke with a start. He had been fine. Sleeping really good actually. Being perfectly happy, and having dreamless dreams, which was better then bad ones. He sat up straight and rubbed his eyes. Something was wrong. What could it be? He had sent a letter to Sirius, to tell him he was with Lucius, so that couldn't be it. Lucius was dead asleep next to him, unaware of James' discomfort. Then it occurred to James. It was wrong. Illicit. How could he have made the same mistake, again? He couldn't. He had to leave. He got out of bed. Lucius and he hadn't slept together, so he didn't need to look for his clothes. He left, and made a run for it. He didn't know where to go. The school was crowded, and he was far to ashamed to face people right now. He had to be alone. Where could he go?

"Sirius?"

Sirius and Remus were sitting in the great hall. They were having lunch. Remus wondered where James was. Sirius knew he was with Lucius. They had been talking and snogging, when someone had said Sirius' name. Sirius and Remus both turned. It was… Lucius? Remus' mouth opened a bit in surprise. People were looking at them. A Slitherin at Gryffindor table? This better be good.

"Lucius?" Sirius was quite surprised to see him. "What are you doing here? You _do_ know this is the Gryffindor table, don't you?" He asked, half mocking.

Lucius quirked an eyebrow. Some of the Gryffindors were standing on their seats, to see what was going on, since a whole pack of people were coming near the table.

"What do you think I am Sirius, thick or something? No," Lucius sighed. People were staring at Lucius and Sirius. Remus was very confused. "I was actually wondering whether you have seen James."

This made Remus look at him in surprise. Sirius on the other hand, stared at him in utterly disbelieve.

"What do you mean: 'have you seen James'?" Sirius was on the verge of yelling. "Have you lost him or something?"

Everyone had heard Sirius screaming, and they were all looking at Gryffindor table. Even the teachers.

"God Sirius," Lucius rolled his eyes. "No I did not 'lose' him. I just…" Lucius seemed to be thinking. "Can't find him. That's all. He ran away." Lucius placed his hands in his sides.

Sirius got up. So did Remus. People were pushing to see what was going on. Some of the teachers had gotten up.

"Ran away!" Sirius screamed. He was really getting angry with Lucius. No matter what James said. "What the hell did you do to him!"

"Nothing, he just…" Lucius started.

"Holy Merlin," Sirius poked Lucius in the chest. "You better hope he's okay when I find him, you bloody idiot!" And he started running out of the great hall.

People separated to let him through, and Lucius yelled: "wait Sirius! Does this mean you know where he is?" And ran after him.

Everyone looked at Remus now. He hesitated for a second, but followed them anyway. He left the great hall that was buzzing with excitement.

The astronomy tower. The part where people never came, because it was too cold. Very handy when you wanted to be alone. Remus reached it, and stopped. Lucius was in front of one of the doors, looking down at his feet. He was making patterns in the dust. Remus had some doubts, but then sat down next to Lucius. Lucius didn't look up.

"Are they in there? Both of them?" Remus asked.

Lucius nodded.

"Would you mind explaining what _you_ are doing here?"

"They wont let me in, so I'm waiting here 'til they come out."

"Yah, I got that, but why…" Remus stopped talking.

The door opened. But only a little, so Sirius could stick his head out.

"Remus? I thought that was you, come in."

Remus got up and so did Lucius. Sirius let Remus in, but when Lucius wanted to follow, he closed the door and locked it again.

"Hi!" Lucius yelled. "Come on! Let me in!"

But Sirius ignored his screams.

James was on the far end of the room, his head resting in his hands. He was definitely crying. On the other side of the door, Lucius was still yelling. Sirius sat down next to James, laying an arm around his shoulder. James just continued sobbing. Remus sat down in front of him.

"James, what happened?" Remus asked.

James sniffed a bit. He was holding his specs in his hand. And then he murmured something incoherent. Remus looked quite puzzled.

"Excuse me? I didn't get that." He said.

James raised his head and looked at Remus. His eyes were red from crying, and he looked rather pale.

"I said: 'I'm in love with Lucius Malfoy, and he's supposed to marry Narcissa and have babies.' And," James inhaled deeply. "We had made up but it's so _wrong_. And I feel so _stupid_ because I want him but can never _have_ him." He hung his head again.

Remus looked a bit shocked but smiled nevertheless.

"James, did you ever ask him if he _wants_ to marry her?" Sirius looked a bit surprised at him.

You could say what you want about Remus, but he knew he families like that tended to work. And he was so wise. Sirius decided then and there that he just loved Remus so _much_! He wanted to stay with Remus for ever.

"He says he _doesn't_ but…"

"And do you believe him?" Remus interrupted.

"Yes, but Remus…"

"Then what's the problem?" James looked up in disbelief. "I mean, you love this guy, right?" James nodded. "He's marrying this woman, but loves you, right?" An other nod. "Then she'll never _have_ him James. Don't you see? If he loves you, then _you_ have him. Even if he gets married, it really doesn't matter. He's yours, as long as he loves you." Remus patted James' shoulder. "And if he's getting married, then shouldn't you enjoy the time you still have?" James looked a bit surprised. Remus got up. "Now, I think we should leave," Remus took Sirius' hand. "Cheer up James. I mean… Carpe Diem." Remus smiled.

(Remus was so cheery. So matter-of-factly. So smart. So helpful. Don't you just love the guy?)

"Carpe Diem?" Sirius asked.

"Seize the day." James whispered.

"While you still can." Remus added, just to be sure James got what he was talking about.

Remus pulled Sirius up, and they left. Outside, Lucius got up immediately. Sirius wanted to say something, but Remus kissed him, and pulled him away from Lucius.

"Come Dear," he whispered. "Let's find an empty closet." And he winked.

Lucius was quite bedazzled by this, and looked at the door, which stood ajar. He carefully approached the room and looked inside. James was still on the far end of the room, holding his specs. His head was resting in his hands. Lucius locked the door, and came a bit closer. His feet chased away the dust that lay on the floor. Lucius ducked, and sat down in front of him. James looked up.

"Hi Darling, what's wrong with you?" Lucius asked.

He sounded so _sweet_ and _sincere_ and _caring_, it just made James melt for him. Maybe, just maybe, they could do this. Lucius took his hand again. The handkerchief was still bound around it.

"I… freaked out. But, Remus is right… 'bout that Carpe Diem shit. He's right. I shouldn't… you know just… Carpe Diem." I came out a bit blurry.

"Seize the day?" Lucius asked, a bit confused.

"While we still can." James murmured.

Lucius smiled.

"I'm so sorry Sweetheart," Lucius kissed his hand. "I just love you so much. I know we _can't_ and _shouldn't_. But I just want to be with you," he looked deep into James' eyes. "I need you by my side like air to breathe. I've never felt so miserable as when we weren't together. I love you, I really do."

James caressed his cheek, pulled him closer and kissed him. They talked. And sat there. Enjoyed being together. As long as they still can. Just seizing the day. That's always fun. And they could do this. Yah. Sure. They'd make it through. For as long as it lasted.

It took a while for them to get back to their usual level, but they got there. It still hurt every time Narcissa kissed Lucius, but it didn't make him vomit anymore. And James just thought about how Lucius and he'd be spending the night anyway. No matter how much Narcissa kissed him, he refused to see her at night. And if his father dared to complain, so Lucius said, Lucius planned on telling him he was against pre-wedding-sex. It had made James laugh in relief. They were okay, as long as they lived in the moments. It wasn't _that_ hard. What was hard, was to pretend to love Lilly. He wanted to tell her everything. But he couldn't. When he thought about it, it made him cry. He thought she deserved to be happy. She deserved to be with someone who loved her back. It made him cry, because he thought he deserved that too. He sat with her, listening to her talk, secretly thinking of Lucius. She talked about their future together. About them buying a house, getting married, having kids. As she sat there, talking, James toyed with the idea of proposing. He had thought of it before. Because some part of his brain said things like: 'he's going to get married James. You wont stay with him forever.' And when he felt guilty, it said: 'he can't expect you to wait for him forever. It doesn't work that way.'

James had never really _considered_, considered though. He hoped that he and Lucius would have there happy ending after all. But life chose not to follow the James-way. There was proof of that.

(Lucius had admitted that there was an other reason why he'd marry her. Lucien hadn't only threatened Lucius, but also James.

"I don't care about me James," Lucius sobbed. "But you…")

It was then that James realised they _really_ wouldn't have their nice, fuzzy, warm, growing-old-and-dying-together future. So James thought about proposing. He wanted to love her. He really did. But he just couldn't. He didn't know why. He _did_ propose. Because he thought that it wasn't because he couldn't be happy, that she shouldn't be. And she said yes. And she was so _happy_. It nearly made James smile. Nearly. Only the Marauders knew they were engaged. He didn't tell Lucius. He and Narcissa still kissed in public. And James just didn't want to fight.

There was this one time, just before potions began. Lilly was all happy and stuff. James had no clue why. She'd always been quite shy. They kissed when they were alone, and hadn't slept together. James decided that he could refuse that. Sex was a marriage thing, and he was quite sure Lilly felt the same. And about the kissing, he could do that. He thought about trivial things. Counted the imaginary holes in the ceiling. Thought about anything but her when they were kissing. So, she'd always been shy. But now she came to him, beaming, and kissed him on the lips, grinning. James was absolutely shocked, but what was he to do? She whispered something in his ear, but he couldn't make out what it was. He was starring at Lucius. Lucius was looking at him. His eyes were out to kill. And it didn't really make James feel better.

James sighed and put his book down. He was in the library. Homework. He really _should_ plan ahead. He had tried to do some, but his mind had kept on wandering. To the events of that morning. When he had kissed Lilly. And to Lucius' reaction. He picked up the large volume, and decided to put it back, and then go to bed. While he walked over to the darker section, where he had found the book, he thought about Lucius' look. It hadn't been sad. But murderous. James knew he would pay for that. One way or an other, Lucius would let him pay for it. Honestly, Lucius was amazing. James loved everything about him. But he was a bit dominating. If James did something wrong, he would be punished. Or Lucius would deny him sex for some days. Or he wouldn't return little notes. Or no kisses for a week. No shower dates. Things like that. James really didn't get the problem. Lucius kissed Narcissa all the time. Okay, everyone knew they were supposed to get married, later on. But he could at least _pretend_. James remembered feeling sick for weeks, when Lucius had told him. Well, told him. Sometimes James wondered if Lucius would've told him, if he hadn't been there when Lucien and Narcissa knocked on Lucius' bedroom door. But then he'd remind himself that Lucius wasn't happy about it ether. But still, he didn't mind kissing her in public. And it hurt every time he did. James didn't tell him though. He would've. If it wasn't so complicated. He had brought it up once, and Lucius had told him it was easier. Easier to get along. And that it wasn't him kissing her, but her kissing him. He had been a bit… hurt, maybe. After that, James never brought it up again. He was afraid Lucius might leave him. So then Lilly had kissed him. But it hadn't made him feel better, only worse, certainly when he had seen Lucius' look. Deep down, James knew Lucius would never be able to leave Narcissa. He _had_ to marry her. For their own safety. Lucien would kill them both if he knew this was more then a fling. But… if maybe, just maybe, they could…-yank.

Before he could even try to put the volume back in his rightful place, someone pulled him into an other row of books.

"Hey, what the…" James stopped.

'Lucius?'

"Lucius?" He whispered.

It was indeed Lucius. He was wearing blue jeans, a black shirt, and his hair was tied together with a dark-green ribbon. Lucius said nothing. He didn't even look at James. He was looking around the corner of a bookcase, to see if someone else was in the library. Then he started walking to the section of the library that should be forbidden, but wasn't. It was pitch black there. Well almost. But you couldn't see a lot. He was pulling James after him. James looked a bit confused, but Lucius said nothing. Just continued walking, holding James by his collar.

"Lucius, what…" James began.

"Shut it." Lucius snarled.

Lucius continued dragging James to the dark part, until they reached the line. A very thin one. The line that divided the library in two pieces. The side they were on, was lit. The other side, dark. Without a word Lucius crossed the line, and continued. Through rows and rows of books. James could barely see where they were going, but he didn't really care. He cared more about Lucius. And what he was up to. Then Lucius stopped, turned, and looked at him. James didn't dare say a word. He was fascinated by Lucius' eyes though. There was anger. But they were lust-clouded none the less. And there was love. But not sweet at all. Loving hate. And lots of desire. James could tell right there and then that Lucius wouldn't be able to deny him sex for some days. Or kisses for a week. Or shower dates. He could tell by looking in his eyes. Lucius wanted him, just as much as he wanted Lucius. James turned away from Lucius' starring eyes, and looked around for a whiled. They were in an aisle. The aisle was full of books, of course, but in the centre of it, stood a desk. James never came in this part of the library, but he knew most students didn't come there either, and he was surprised to see it. Even if people came here, they wouldn't study in this part, would they? That'd be ridiculous. In the dark and all that. Before he could give it anymore thought though, he felt a hand on his chin, turning his head, so now he faced Lucius again.

"It was a really stupid thing to do James." Lucius said, sounding a bit calm. "I know we've been through shit, and that it was my fault. But it doesn't give you the right to play with me. You should know by now I don't tolerate shit. Even if it's coming from you."

James could see he was holding up a lot of uncontrolled anger. He was pissed off. But there was something in his actions, that gave James a satisfying feeling. Lucius' actions were driven by jealousy. And that felt good to know. Lucius took James by the sleeve of his shirt, and pulled him over to the desk. James wondered what would happen now. Lucius pushed him roughly against the desk, and James felt a stinging feeling in his back immediately. He wanted to scream, but bit his tongue instead.

"Well, at least it proved one thing," Lucius hissed. "You're really good at faking."

James got tears in his eyes. The edge of the desk was hurting his spine. A lot. He would've moved away. If he could. But Lucius was keeping him firmly in place, using his hips. But now, through the pain, James just had to say something.

"Faking? Faking what exactly?" He murmured.

Lucius didn't answer immediately. Instead, he bended over, placed his hands on each side of James' body, and held his head in front of James'. James didn't even think about backing away. Why would he? We're talking about Lucius. The man he needed. The man he was falling for. The man he was _really_ falling for. And then Lucius kissed him. Hard. Rough. A kiss containing pure lust and love and wanting and desire. Tongues twirling, until James let out a stifled moan; Lucius pulled away directly after that. James felt like telling him not to, but he knew Lucius was about to say something.

"That." He whispered.

Anger? Disappointed? Maybe both.

"That?" James asked inquisitively.

"Pretending to get pleasure out of me kissing you. That's called faking James." Lucius said matter-of-factly.

Anger. Disappointed. Definitely both.

"That rubbish! I wasn't faking! I lo…"

"Be still for once, will you?" It wasn't a question, but an order.

It made James shut up anyway. Lucius started unbuttoning James' shirt. James was still wearing his uniform.

"It doesn't matter," Lucius said, as he pulled James' shirt out of his trousers. "Let's see if you can also fake your body's reactions."

He let a pale finger travel along James' chest.

"Lucius I wasn't fa…" there was a sudden stop.

James inhaled deeply as Lucius' finger started circling a sensitive nub of flesh. He got chicken flesh all over. Lucius circled and circled and got what he wanted; seconds later, the nipple became erect. He should know, that nipples becoming erect wasn't something James could fake. As he had said, _that_ was a reaction of James' body. Not something James could control. But somehow, James knew it didn't make a difference. This wasn't the end. And one way or an other, James didn't mind. He didn't want this to end yet. Even though the desk was still hurting him like hell. Lucius made him forget about that for now. And, what is love, if not a mixture of pain and pleasure? Right?

"Now, let's see, what next?" Lucius took off James' tie and threw it on the floor. "Oh. I know."

"I really didn't fake th…" James started again.

Lucius put a finger on James' lips.

"James, when _are_ you going to learn that you should be quit on moments like these?" He said taunting.

James said nothing. Lucius smirked and dropped to his knees. James shifted a bit, so the desk didn't press his back as much as it did before. He looked down at Lucius, asking himself what he'd do next. He had a good idea though. Lucius unbuckled James' belt, and began undoing James' slacks. James said nothing, but inside he was dying. Not in a bad way. Just, you know, the way Lucius undid his belt was way too slow. The softness of the latter's hands on his thigh when he lowered James' pants, too teasing. When he also removed James' underwear, he looked up, daring, into James' eyes. He said nothing. Nether did James. James wanted to say something though. But he didn't know _what_. Lucius looked more sad then angry now. More betrayed then malicious. But not for long.

"Let's see if you can fake this." He said, a bit snide-ish.

'If this is punishment, so be it.' James thought, as he let a hand slide over James' thigh.

But he knew what the meaning of this was. It was to prove something. That Lilly could kiss James as much as she liked, his body would never react to Lilly's kisses in the way it did when Lucius kissed him. Or touched him. He could pretend all he liked. (He wanted to yell that he wasn't faking. Because he wasn't. Nobody could force these feelings. Not now. Not with Lucius. He wanted to scream that he would never pretend with Lucius. But he couldn't. His throat went dry.) But here, there was no denying it. James loved Lucius. (He really did you know. Like, _really_.) And they were here, so James' body could prove that one simple fact. Since Lucius did not trust his words anymore.

'If this is punishment…' was James' last thought before his mind wandered off.

Lucius' fingers flickered over James' stomach, going down. He traced patterns on James' thigh. He kissed James' hip. And James closed his eyes. Not that he didn't want to see Lucius. But touches were so much more real if they were the only thing left. So he kept his eyes shut. And as Lucius' fingers caressed his inner thigh, going up, he dared himself not to start panting _too_ loud. He tried to control his breathing a bit. And it worked. A bit.

'Relax. This is a library. Relax.' James thought.

He couldn't get Lucius' nerve though. In the library. Of all places in the world. In the _library_. Pff. James bit his lip as he started stroking parts of James' body that he shouldn't be stroking in the library. The urge to wake the entire school with his screams got stronger. Then, Lucius stopped. Stopped caressing, stroking, kissing. He stopped, and got up. He had what he wanted. A reaction from James' body. James could feel Lucius' hot breath in his neck. The fabric of his clothes touched James' legs. James opened his eyes a bit. He gave Lucius a lascivious look, whose eyes were still lust-clouded. Lucius touched James' cheek with a finger and outlined his cheekbone. He pressed James against the desk again, harder then the last time, and kissed him. It was more a struggle to caress each other's tongue as much as possible. When Lucius pulled away, he gently sucked James' bottom lip. Then he studied James' body. He looked sort of hot. His shirt was the only piece of clothing he was wearing. Hanging open, leaving nothing to your imagination.

"You're hot." Lucius said.

James actually thought it was a question.

"I am, a little." He admitted.

Lucius snickered, and James didn't get it. But it didn't matter. Lucius took the dark-green ribbon out of his hair and James wondered what he'd do with that. Lucius kissed James' earlobe and whispered: "don't struggle."

And before James could do an other thing, Lucius blindfolded him.

"What… Lucius… what is this?" James muttered.

He put his hands on the soft cloth.

"That, James, is a blindfold." Lucius said.

It smelled like Lucius. Very airy. With a masculine scent. And roses. James out-stretched his hands, and grabbed Lucius' shirt, for safety.

"I know. But why am I…" James began.

Lucius kissed him again, and James realised it was no use to argue. He was blindfolded. Okay. Live with it. James let his fingers travel along Lucius' shirt, going down to his jeans. Before James could undo his belt though, Lucius took his hands and kissed them. James felt waves of pain, surging through his body. But somehow that didn't matter now. Lucius turned James around and kissed his neck, now it was James' stomach, that was pushing against the desk. He placed James' hands on the desk, on each side of his body. In his ear he whispered: "you shouldn't want to go so fast, dear. It's more fun if you take it slow."

James turned his head and kissed Lucius. Slowly. If he wanted slow, he could get slow. Lucius took one of James' legs, and pushed it back. James felt the fabric of Lucius' jeans, and whished it gone. Not that it worked. He'd have to wait for that. Lucius kissed his spine, and cheekbone. He left little marks there. Little blue ones. James'd admire them later. Lucius pulled back for a second, and James heard a noise, like a cork being removed from a flask. Minutes later, his hands glide over James' back, going down to his buttocks, spreading oil all around. He could smell the oil. Mint, combined with Lucius' masculine smell. Lucius' strong hands moved under the shirt, massaging James' body. When James kissed Lucius' neck, his lips touching the soft fabric of his shirt, Lucius finally removed his own jeans and boxers. James felt like cheering or something. He loved the feeling of skin on skin. Definitely when he was with Lucius. He entangled his leg with Lucius', and rubbed Lucius' thigh with his foot. The latter pulled James close against his body, and the pain in James' stomach went away for a whiled. They were both still wearing their shirts, but James didn't care. It was weird. It was wrong. They couldn't be doing this, certainly not in the library. And there was something forcing behind it. But James actually liked that part. It was all so weird. So wrong. James was messed up. He didn't know what to think. But then again, if this, being with Lucius, was wrong, then what was right? Being with Lilly? But James didn't want that. He wanted Lucius. _Only_ Lucius. James rested his head on Lucius' neck. He could feel Lucius' need for him, pressing between his thighs. Lucius took James even closer, and whispered: "I'd hold still," he kissed him behind his ear. "As you know, this can hurt."

James knew. Making love to Lucius _could_ hurt. Lucius entered and James bit his lip, hard, until it bled. The oil was working as a sort of lubricant. But still. This was excruciating pleasure. Earthly divine. James would almost lose it. But only _almost_. And he didn't. This was always new. Yet never changed. What he felt, right then, was not something that could be faked. There's no such thing as hiding things from yourself. You and you alone, will always know what is true and what isn't. And James knew that it was real. After all, he could feel Lucius moving inside of him. If that wasn't real, then nothing was. There was only one thing that was bugging him. Okay, it was part of the excitement, but still.

"But… the blindfold…" James murmured.

"I don't recall asking for your input." He hissed.

And he pushed James against the desk. Again. How? How could he find himself in this position. Oh. Why not? He liked it. Hmm. Yah. He liked it. But still. Maybe he shouldn't? Oh. Fine. Like it then. Pff. But really… doesn't he even think about the pain for one second? Because the desk can't be good for his health. Honestly. Okay. It's new. But really? And maybe it's even a bit kinky. But this is not… something. The other's jealous. No trust. Not really. Not right now. Is that what you want? How can you? Like it that is. With your stomach pushed against the desk. And he loves it. The other above him. Out of pure jealousy. And he loves it.

James didn't even wanna think about not liking it. He loved Lucius. This couldn't be wrong. And he loved the feeling, of above him, Lucius, so quite new. Yes he did. And there's nothing he could, or even wanted, to do about it.

Lucius moved slowly above James. His hands were resting on James', holding them in place. They were both panting. James knew this was happening, there and then, out of jealousy. Otherwise they would've been in bed. There wouldn't have been a desk pressing against his stomach. He would be able to look at Lucius. He wouldn't have to worry about being caught. Yet there was still the feeling of comfort. Knowing that you're not alone. Knowing that you're loved. (Even though he couldn't see the man he loved so much, at that point. He could still feel him. Yah. He could feel him.) That never changed. No matter where they made love. That didn't change. Lucius moved in a steady pace now, and James whished he could just hold him. He knew that was part of it though. Sex, without all the proximity. Okay, there was a little. But less then normal. Most of the feelings were the same. The strange feeling of being whole. The feeling of your heart beating so quick you're afraid it might explode. The feeling of blood surging through your veins. Only a little lack of proximity. And a bit more pain then usually. Oh, but what is love if not a mixture of pain and pleasure. Love hurts. Now it just hurts more then usual. But he whished that Lucius would kiss him. He had some trouble with staying still. The panting got louder, and there were more moans. James wasn't the only one responsible for that though, Lucius had his equal share in the panting and moaning.

"Lucius… I need…" James managed to comprehend.

But his voice failed on him. He didn't get any further. His throat couldn't produce an other word. Lucius got it. (Oh how James couldn't help being proud. Lucius always _got_ it. Always knew what James meant, before he even spoke. Sometimes James even believed that Lucius could read his mind. The way he _knew_ James, always came as a surprise.) He turned James' head and sucked his bottom lip, and then kissed him full on his lips. A softer kiss. And James knew, that old Lucius was back. The anger had gone. The jealousy remained. But that was okay. James liked Lucius' jealousy. It made him feel even prouder. In a weird way. As if he deserved the jealousy. As if he had earned it. Prove, that Lucius loved him. Or something.

Inches before their climax Lucius released James' hands, and pulled him close against his body. He deepened their kiss, and that was it. The end of all things rational. It was all ending, as James poured his heart and soul and moans and all his feelings and love and pain and pleasure and so much more in that one kiss. Lucius stepped back, leaving James to feel oddly empty. They continued their mind-blowing kiss though. And when Lucius broke it, James trembled against his strong body. He put his head against Lucius' chest, and said nothing. He wanted to stay there for a while. To feel the warmth gathered there. To sink it in. Lucius wrapped his arms around James, caressing his bellybutton, and whispered: "I'm sorry."

(Sorry. But not for this. James knew that. He wasn't sorry about this. But about Narcissa and all that crap. These days, he said sorry on irrelevant moments. When they were almost asleep. He'd whisper: "sorry." It had been that way for a while. He even said it in his sleep. And James knew he was sorry for him and Narcissa having to get married.) James turned around and looked up, though he couldn't see a thing with the blindfold. He held his hands together as if he was in cuffs. He knew Lucius was watching him. He could feel Lucius' heart beating in his chest.

"I should be. I shouldn't have pissed you off like that. And," James stood on his toes so he could continue whispering in Lucius' ear: "I liked it."

"Hmm…" Lucius kissed him again, and held him closer.

James relaxed in his touch. He loved to just _feel_ Lucius. It reminded him that it was real. He needed that. After all they'd been through, he _needed_ that.

After standing there for a while, in silence, with there eyes closed, Lucius took James' hand, and took their clothes. (He could feel the cold metal of James' ring. And felt guilty. For having to leave him, in the end. But… if maybe, just maybe, they could…-) He didn't take the blindfold off though. Instead, he helped James put his boxers on again, and got into his own too. He fliffed their clothes away, and guided James out of the library. So if someone would see them, I'd be weird. But whatever, who walked around at this hour? No one. Lucius guided him to his headboy's room, and they went to bed. They didn't talk. Just lay there. James fell asleep immediately, the blindfold still on, but Lucius watched his belly instead. There was a long red mark right under his navel, made by the desk, that had been pressing in James' stomach the whole time. He outstretched his hand, and softly touched it. He followed the line with his pale finger, and James stirred. He turned his head and looked at where Lucius should be lying. He couldn't see it, but Lucius stared sadly at the mark. He _could_ feel something was wrong though. James lifted an arm and caressed his cheek.

"It's okay," James whispered, and came closer. "I love you. And what is love, if not a mixture of pain and pleasure?" James smiled.

Lucius looked at him. He was serious. Lucius himself was confused. He had never felt this way about giving people what they deserve. And after all, James _had_ pissed him off. Then why did he feel somewhat guilty? Jesus. He just felt messed up.

He pushed his thoughts out of his head, and nodded, kissing James softly on his lips. Carefully, he took off the blindfold. James blinked his eyes a couple of times, to get used to the half-dark. He looked at Lucius. He hadn't changed one bit. Blonde. Silver-cerulean eyes. Great smell. Breathtaking. He wanted to be close, and lay his head against Lucius' chest.

"I'm sorry for not… being able to… run away with you or something." Lucius said.

"Don't be. Just kiss me, and tell me you love me. I'll be alright when you do." James whispered.

And Lucius, never the disappointer, kissed James softly, and whispered: "I love you." Before they both fell a sleep.

'So that was one of the most amazing things that had ever happened to you. The love. Well. More like anger. Or maybe love. It could've been. Because he was angry because of the jealousy, that came from the love. Right? I mean, it's weird to explain that way. But somehow, that's just it. But you still got through it. And it was beautiful. In a really ugly way. Oh Gods. But where does this leave you? What does this make you. Oh, I'll tell you: this makes you someone who's really, very much in love with Lucius Malfoy. Like that?' James snored in his sleep. 'Yah,' his mind commented. 'Thought you would.'

They woke up late, Sunday afternoon. James looked at Lucius, and Lucius looked back. He wanted to say something, but couldn't. Nothing made sense. All he knew was that he loved Lucius no matter what. And that his body felt sore. Lucius caressed his cheek.

"I love you James." He whispered.

James smiled. He sat up, and stretched. It was a beautiful day, but all he wanted to do was stay inside with Lucius. Oh, if only his body didn't feel so… stiff. He tried to stretch the stiffness out, but failed. Lucius grinned.

"Oh you poor thing. Feeling a beet tense, aren't you?"

James nodded, and pouted a bit.

"All your fault." He said, and kissed the taller man on his lips.

"Well," Lucius crawled to the nightstand, and took something out. "I have some left, come on, turn around."

James frowned. Then he noticed what Lucius was holding. The flask. He lay down on his stomach.

"If you insist." He said a bit airy.

Lucius grinned, and helped James with his shirt. Lucius spread oil all over his back, and James could smell the mint again. It reminded him about last night. Last night didn't per say make him feel all butterfly-in-the-stomach-ish. But it did make him feel _something_ good. He relaxed and Lucius dug his fingers in sensitive skin. It felt so good to be with him. So _natural_. Like it was meant to be.

"You know, I wonder what would happen if we stay in all day." Lucius said pensively.

"People would look for us and we wouldn't care." James answered.

He was feeling _really_ relaxed.

"And what if we'd look ourselves up in this room tomorrow?"

"People would think we're sick and we'd have fun and wouldn't care." James said again, sinking into state of perfect bliss.

"How about we do that?" Lucius offered, his voice a whisper.

"You wanna lock ourselves up in your room?" James asked, thinking he was joking. (Wishing he _wasn't_.)

"Why not. I mean, what happens on Monday?" Lucius asked, working his way down James back.

"Oh, nothing really. Just that we have a double hour of potions on Monday. You know, and class. Nothing important." James said sarcastically.

"Okay fine, and for you potions is a problem. So we do the double hour of potions, and bale again." Lucius proposed.

"And people wont notice that we weren't there the first two hours, but _where_ there the third and the fourth, and that, oh, just like that, we skipped out on the rest of the day?"

"Well, James, people _are_ thick you know."

James started grinning. He _loved_ Lucius. And his plans.

"Okay, it's a deal." James said.

"Great." Lucius kissed James' neck and continued.

Hmm. L'amour.

"Fuck! I knew it! We're being late!" James looked for his shirt.

He _knew_ this would happen. Oh, sometimes he just wanted to _curse_ Lucius and his turn-on tricks! But he loved them anyway.

"Relax James, we'll be on time." Lucius zipped his jeans and looked at James.

He was running from hither 'til yon looking for his clothing. Lucius was holding one piece of James' clothing. He didn't seem to notice.

"And now I can't find my…"

"Looking for this?" Lucius whispered.

James stopped. Turned. Looked at Lucius.

"…tie. Yah."

Lucius smiled and put it on for James.

"Relax Darling, we're not _that_ late."

"Pff." James looked at him.

"Come on," Lucius guided him to the door, kissing his forehead. "Let's go."

"… and then you-"

Lucius pushed the door open, without knocking. It made a vague cracking noise, and James felt very 'looked-at', nonetheless, he said: "Lucius, that's rude."

Lucius shrugged his shoulders. Everyone was looking at them. Slughorn looked rather shocked at their appearance.

"Sorry for being late," Lucius said, glancing at James. James looked rather… de-shelved. And his last buttons were wrong. "Got caught up and all," Lucius gave a little wave with his hand. "And by the way, Potter, your buttons aren't really correct."

James looked down. He was right. Grinning a bit, he fixed them. Slughorn grinned knowingly. No one else got it though.

"Well, I'm sure you're both fine now." Slughorn stated.

Lucius gave James a meaningful look.

"Oh, I… erm… well," James straightened his back. "I beg to differ sir, I feel rather… sick, to be quite honest."

"Yah. Me too," Lucius backed him up. "I think there's a nasty virus going round. You know. Influenza and that crap."

James looked at him with disbelief.

"Influenza?" He questioned, not getting it.

"That's floo, you dense sod." Lucius rolled his eyes.

"Oh." James looked a bit sheepishly.

Lucius smirked. Students watched them. Slughorn looked at them.

"Well, then," he gave a small wink. "Shouldn't you be in bed then?"

"Probably," Lucius shrugged his shoulder again. "But I wouldn't _dream_ of missing potions."

"And I don't want to spend an other Saturday catching up." Explained James.

"Right. Then, take a seat. And don't be late again." Slughorn said.

James sat down next to Sirius, who was grinning like mad.

"So, you have influenza then?" He asked, innocent-like.

"Yep. I'm afraid so." James smiled a bit.

Lilly was smiling at him too. And James felt guilty. It took everything he had to smile back at her. Oh how he wished he could love her. And why, oh why could she not love someone who loved her back? Yes, it took everything he had not to start crying. Because indeed, James thought he deserved that too.

But later, after a double hour of potions, he was back in bed with Lucius, laughing about their appearance. And their was his sent, clouding his brain. And their was his blonde locks, touching James shoulders as he kissed James' back. And it made him feel. And it made him love. And there was a soft breeze. And everything reminded him of Lucius. He loved Lucius. Needed him. And he thought, that it was everything he would ever love and need. It took everything he had not to break down in front of Lucius. Not to talk about what was on his mind. But then there was a kiss and he forgot his worries. But… if maybe, just maybe, they could…-

A/N: The third chapter of part one is nearly done, so hold on thight you ;)  
Loves, Crazy4Moony


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